Colours of the Snow | Yuki Ishikawa

19

"All I could do, I've done
Down every road I've run
Just tryna find someone, but
I did it all for nothing."

"Mama, it's all my fault. I am very sorry. I will take all the responsibility for hurting Erinne." I couldn't help but feel like I had ruined everything.

Mama looked at me with a sad expression, and I could tell she was struggling to find the right words to comfort me.

I wanted to fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness, but my mother stopped me and said, "Let's hope for the best. Erinne is a very strong girl. She's taking her time on herself. She never wanted to be a burden, so she chose to go away. I know that kid. She will definitely return."

I sat on the floor, still on my bended knees. I felt so guilty of what I've done.

After the Olympics, I was so busy with celebrations and media appearances that I didn't have time to communicate with Erinne properly. And then, when I realized she had gone out of reach for days, I panicked and flew to Manila to try and find her. I felt like such a failure for not being there for her when she needed me most. There was a blazing turmoil in my heart.

Why do I keep repeating mistakes? It felt like I'd never learned. I'm good when it comes to volleyball, but with Erinne, I scramble. She has always been mature and very understanding, and I acted like a child in front of her.

After all this time, I still feel small in front of her. It made me so insecure knowing she met her ex-boyfriend while she was in Melbourne. I've always known Erinne deserves someone who could truly understand her, someone who shares her passion for her field and could support her through the ups and downs of her career.

I have always felt that way whenever I watched her working overtime back in Milan--whether making computer-generated models, making timelines and schedules, or even sketching and painting on paper. I felt so useless that I couldn't do anything for her.

All the while Erinne was facing everything head-on, I used my volleyball to escape myself. I was too wrapped up in my own world to see that. Erinne had gone out of her way to learn about my interests and dreams and followed me as much as she could, but I have never made an effort to do the same for her. I took her for granted, and now I was paying the price.

"I was a fool, you know
'Cause who'd ever let you go?
But when the story's told
The one, it all just would be for nothing."

As I sat there, lost in my thoughts, everything came in a flashback, but what stood out was the first time I looked into her beautiful, languid brown eyes.

Her eyes that only look at me
Her eyes that only shine when she sees me

And I suddenly realized how stupid I was. It hit me hard that I had been so focused on my happiness that I had completely overlooked how much she meant to me. Erinne had been my pillar, the one person who had always been there for me no matter what. And yet, I had let my insecurities and fears get in the way of our relationship.

She accepted me for who I am, flaws and all, and encouraged me to be my best. She's someone worth fighting for.

"I made you feel worthless
You should have felt priceless
I was in the wrong, yeah
But now I'm gonna right this
No, I didn't see it from the start
But now I know exactly who you are."

I felt like a glimmer of hope shone upon me when I heard Mama say in tears, "Thank goodness! What happened, Erinne? Where are you, my child? I'm so worried about you."