Tales From A Wheelchair

When Inner Demons Force You To Accept Reality

When I first woke up I was very accepting of the fact I would never walk again. I didn't dwell on it much. I was accepting of the fact that I would be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. I did not dwell on what I wouldn't be able to do. I was just trying to digest that my life had changed so much so fast.

I have had people tell me that I took it so well but the truth is I really didn't. The truth is that I pushed it aside. The first four months I was out of the hosptial I was draped with other people's drama and insecurities. It was easier to dwell on those things than it was to dwell on my own issues. Still I couldn't escape them.

The reality is that no one can out run their own inner demons forever. Everyone has to face their own inner demons sooner or later. Mine would usually show their face when I was trying to sleep at night or even when I was daydreaming. One of my little demons would pop its hand out and wiggle its fingers at me. It was almost like those demons were testing the waters. When those inner demons saw I wasn't quite ready to face reality quite yet they would go back to their hiding place for awhile.

When I moved back to Americus, Ga a couple months ago I guess the inner demons finally felt safe to come out. I had had about seven months of a drama free life. It was time for me to face what I had been mentally denying for so long.

About a couple of weeks ago Jose had seen something on Facebook about a disabled woman who was using one of the braces that allowed the woman to walk ( I can't remember the proper name of the device). I was watching the video and it started really bothering me. I was forced to face it. I wold never walk again.

Logically I knew I couldn't. I mean Jose picks me up out of bed and puts in my chair each morning. My wheelchair is how I get around. I can't feel my legs at all except when they are cold. Still it was at that moment I realized that I do miss having use of my legs. It hit me all the things that either I couldn't do or would be harder to do now. I cried.

Jose was a little startled that I reactted the way I did. He tried to verbally tried comfort me. Jose expained he had shown me the video in order to show me what I could do in the future. I just nodded my head but kept crying. I couldn't get the words out. I was both embarrassed that I was crying over something so silly and ashamed that I was being so vain about the whole thing. I had survived something I shouldn't have and now I was crying over not having use of my legs.

When Jose realized words weren't helping, he did the next best thing. Jose gathered me up in his arms and just let me cry. That was the best thing he could do for me. Let me get those tears out. I knew I was in a safe place and for once I could grief for what I had lost,

After I cried it out, Jose let me know it was okay to cry. Jose also let me know he would be here for me when I felt the need to cry it out but he wouldn't allow me to use my disablilty as an excuse.

Now I am thriving at school. I am even going to a Chamber of Commence meeting next week to represent PBL with Jose. I am surrounded by teachers who believe in me. Above all I am starting to believe in myself finally. Something I have never done before, even before the wreck. I am finally facing those inner demons that dwelled within my brain and I am winning. Something I never thought would happen.