Isn't it Ironic

Jaded

"No Alex don't you dare fucking leave this house. The moment you put this ring on my finger you made a promise. So if you are fucking angry, feel like you need space, like you need to leave; then you leave this room and close yourself off in another one but you don't get to leave this fucking house. That's not how this work, how do you expect me to marry you if every time something doesn't work the way you want it to you leave and find something or someone to take your frustrations out on?! You wanna fuck the anger out of you, then so be it I'm right here!" I was too damn angry, i felt 50 feet tall, how dare he. When I can finally focus and see him, he is no longer desperate and angry. He seems tired and sad now, so calm reminded me of the calm before a storm.

"SeleneIi need to fucking breathe and I can't do that with you here. I can't do that in this perfect space you've made for us! I am a bulldozer in a china shop always fucking tiptoeing, always holding back my strength. I can't live this life Lena. I know I made you a promise, a promise I've been trying, since the moment I first kissed you, to keep. I love you so damn much Selene, always and forever like I promised. But it's because I love you that I know you deserve better. You deserve to be happy, have everything you want and more. I'm not a good man, I'm not good for you. Our worlds are different, I come from a world were we solve our problems with our fists not words. I know that you love me, that you don't try to make me fit in a mold but try to help me improve me; and thats why i know you deserve better because you are willing to change your world for me, so that I can feel comfortable in it and fit. I know I made you a promise, and I will always keep it. I promised to love you always and forever and I always will just not the way you want me to baby girl." I was a crying mess on the floor by the time he was done talking, he was crying too sitting against the wall in front of me.

"I have to go Selene, I'm so sorry, I really do love you don't ever think I don't" Alex said after a few moments of silence looking defeated.

I looked up at him with tears streaming down my face "all of this for some bitch? You are willing to walk out on me for some bitch?"

"No this has nothing to do with that, this has to do with the fact that I felt comfortable and like my old self when I was with her, I hate myself for it. I hate that I need to be this asshole. This has to do with the fact that I finally realized I'm being selfish and that you deserve more than I could ever give you." He got up, walked over to me and gave me one long kiss on the forehead and walked out of the room.

"If you walk out of this house, there is no turning back, if you leave this house you will lose me. Please don't make me loose you, please don't leave" I was desperate at this point, my heart was broken but the pieces were still there, and if they were there then they could be fixed.

Alex looked at me in the eyes "You are the best thing to ever happen to me but I can't stay" I felt he had the pieces of my heart in his hands, the ones I needed to fix my heart, to fix us.

He quickly walked over to me and kissed me. It was a desperate, sloppy kiss. I could taste the saltiness of our tears, I could feel all the love he said he had for me, I could feel his goodbye. You know people say how before they die they see flashes of their lives, at this moment during my last kiss with Alex I saw flashes of our lives together. I saw from how it all started up to this moment and then I saw everything that wouldn't happen, everything we wouldn't be. We come up for air and he put his forehead against mine still holding me by the back of my neck, I was sobbing, he looked me in the eyes "I love you Selene" and then he let me go and walked out of the house taking the pieces of my heart with him.

How could such beautiful words, "I love you", hurt so much. How can words that are supposed to heal and comfort, burn like the fires from hell.

That night was the worst night of my life, the upcoming days were even worse. I went through every single emotion a person could feel. I went from heartbroken, to angry, to feeling guilty, to being jealous that I couldn't give him what he needed, back to heartbroken, and in some sublevel of my heart happy and hopeful. Of course those two emotions I couldn't decipher at that time because I was so blinded by the sadness of that moment.

I was happy because he had loved me, and I was hopeful because I knew deep down that if Alex, the notorious selfish ladies man, was able to love me and finally be selfless then someone else could someday love me too.

After a few days of isolation, I finally decided to look at my phone. The phone was blowing up with all kinds of messages and calls but I just needed one person at that moment, I wanted Caroline. So I called her and asked her to come over. Once she arrived she walked in the house and saw me still in bed all nasty and tear eyed.

"Oh honey" she walked towards me and pulled me for a hug. I loved Caroline because I never really had to tell her anything for her to know.

"Okay first order of business, let's get you to shower and while you do i'm going to order some food and clean up this room. Alright?" She was pulling me out of bed and towards the bathroom. I did everything she wanted me to that day. I showered, ate, cleaned the house, and changed the bedsheets. We sat down and i told her everything, the unfiltered ugly real version of Alex and I. I cried again with her, we watched movies and I laughed and then she put me to bed getting in with me.

That was the best sleep I got since the last time Alex slept next to me. The morning after I felt strong enough to look at my messages and re-enter society. Boy was that the biggest mistake I could make. 

Jaded: made dull, apathetic, or cynical by experience or by having or seeing too much of something