Isn't it Ironic

All Too Well

It was December by this point and I was starting to feel much better. One friend from The Emerald Club had contacted me and we had lunch and talked about Alex and I. He seemed to be on my side of things. I told him I really didn't want anyone picking sides but I thanked him for the support. By the second week of December the Emerald Club group chat was filled with our anual Christmas party plans. I definitely wasn't thinking about showing up but Johnny convinced me to go telling me if I didn't I was being weak and that Alex would win. He proceeded to tell me that I deserved to be happy too and that this party could serve as closure. That really did me in since everyone knows I'm a big fan of closure and that I hate feeling like a victim so I agreed to go. But if they thought I was going alone, then everyone was highly mistaken. I was going to get key closure at the party but I was taking Caroline and Antonio with me.

Once we got there everyone was acting like normal and it was great, obviously Alex hadn't arrived yet. When Alex did walk through that door I thought I felt ready enough to be in the same space as him and not cry and I really was but everything came crumbling down as soon as she walked in after him. Suddenly everyone was on top of them to meet this shiny new person coming into "our fold". I felt the air leave my lungs and the hurt creep up and key heart breaking all over again but this time it wasn't Alex breaking my heart it was my supposed friends/family. The breaking point for me this very night is when Johnny reached towards her with a smile and enveloped her with a hug and a nice to meet you, followed by Vinny (the guy who was supposed to be my best friend, the guy who broke my heart was before Alex ever could by betraying my trust) giving this woman the same treatment. The worse part of this is not everyone welcoming her, because I understand that Alex is their friend too and they might just want to be polite, no it was the fact that she looked annoyed. Annoyed about being there, annoyed at the hugs and nice to meet yous from all of Alex's friends. Now instead of heartbroken I started to get angry, before I could lash out and do or say something I might forever regret I felt a hand on my back bring me back to my bearings. I looked to my left and saw Tony smiling at me holding a glass of sangria at me.

"Here it looks like you might need this." He shoved the sangria into my arms and propped me to take a sip. I nodded at him and took a second sip, then I took a big gulp until I finished the glass altogether.

Tony laughed "Alright I'll get you a refill, why don't you go over there with Caroline and relax a little bit while I get this?" he pointed with his head behind him where Caroline was talking with Alice's sister by the kitchen.

It's been a good half hour of me drinking sangria and enjoying the conversations around me, by this point Johnny and a few others had joined our small group by the kitchen. No one had said a word about the obvious elephant in the group and I was grateful, Alex also hadn't acknowledged me yet. I didn't expect him to be quite honest, not with her here. I was deep in mindless conversation when we suddenly got interrupted by loud voices coming from the balcony about 10 feet away.

"I DON'T CARE, I WANT TO LEAVE, I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO COME IN THE FIRST PLACE ALEX"

"Come on, we are at my best friend's house with all my friends for a Christmas party can't you just suck it up for a while longer? I met all your friends, it's time you met mine" Hearing Alex interact with her felt numbing.

"yeah well I met them and now I want out of here. I don't care if you want to stay I don't"

"that's to bad because I'm not leaving yet, you can wait in the car if you want, I don't care but we are not leaving"

"FINE" next thing we hear is the gland door from the balcony slam and the bitch storing out of the house. Everything was quiet for a few seconds until Alex came into the house smiling and announcing he was getting another drink. The party continued like it was nothing, chatter resumed, the music continued playing but I could barely hear it all because as Alex passed in front of my little group towards the kitchen his eyes found mine. He held eye contact with me and gave me his signature panty dropping smirk until he walked inside of the kitchen where I could no longer see him. It had all felt like time had slowed around me, once again it felt hard to breathe and suddenly I couldn't take it anymore so I ran out to the balcony. I couldn't believe Alex could hurt me any more than he already has but here he is once again proving me wrong.

This hurt almost as much as when he walked out on us. This hurt because it didn't seem like he loved her all that much since he wouldn't have ever done that to me before. It hurt because he chose this woman, a woman he barely cares about to marry and spend his life with and to be the mother of his children instead of me whom he supposedly loved. This hurt because I felt worthless in that moment. I was clearly having a panic attack and no one was giving me a second thought. No one gave a shit tonight that my heart has been breaking. For everyone tonight has been business as usual, as if any other single member of this group was bringing a new date to meet everyone.

At this very moment I feel heartbroken and pathetic. I scoffed and bitterly laughed out loud and I say to the wind "I guess now I understand how Taylor Swift felt after Jake, how pathetic are we Taylor" Literally felt like in a Taylor Swift music video like in "All too well" my heart was shattering and I was hurting but the room behind me continued to be lively and here I was alone in the balcony.