Serilda: Part Two

Chapter 14

Aaron

My words crushed her. They practically made her want to run away. It was the same pain as the last time, maybe more than that. I never wanted it to come to this. Serilda and I had been strong. We were a team and, together we could face anything. It was us against the world.
The world wasn't easy to live in and it was one of the reasons I had to get out of Nevada for her and my well-being. Yet here we were in San Francisco still haunted by the past.

Serilda looked at her hands and I wish I could hold them but I knew that right now she would be loathing me. She would loathe my touch. I didn't want her to scrub down her skin until it burned just like once I had done. I didn't want to inflict any pain on her ever yet here we were. I wanted to be her hero and suddenly I had turned up nothing else than a villain in her happiness.

How did I explain to her that I was the victim? I was ashamed to even admit what had happened.

"Serilda," I pleaded with her through my voice to just look at me but she didn't. Her hand slowly went to her stomach and tears escaped my eyes as I realized how much pain she could have been going through. There was nothing I could do to lessen her pain and it made me feel powerless and helpless at the same time. Why did this have to happen to us?

"How could you do this to her?" Erik snapped at me, the sting on my cheek made me realize that I had been slapped. I wanted to yell out at him and fight him but right now I wanted the pain. The pain right now felt like my escape, the hurt I felt on the inside for ripping apart Serilda's life once again could never be compared to what she was feeling.

"Erik", her voice was barely more than a whisper but enough to make me turn towards her.

"Don't," her eyes were teary, lips trembling but she was holding onto her emotions and pain

"Serilda, did you hear what he said? Even I," she stopped him with a gesture of her hand.

"Don't get down to comparing yourself with him, especially in a situation like this," I could hear the pain as she forced herself to say those words. "We have been on the same road too, you were just not as shamed as he was." Her words forced Erik to look away and take a step back. Sitting down on the chair he just sat there with his head in his hands.

I just stared at Serilda with teary eyes as she looked at me, making me wish to crawl to her and make her pain go away. I knew at the moment I couldn't do that because how could I when I was the reason for all of this pain?

I should have killed her, strangled Serena the first time she had dared to cross me and maybe then I wouldn't be here like this.

"How did this happen, Aaron? How did it come to this?" Erik asked in a pained voice. "I never expected this from you. From me, yes but not you." For a moment Serilda's eyes flickered to Erik before setting back to me.

I was ashamed to bring the word to my lips. How did I tell her about what happened? The memories of that night still haunted me, it made me want to crawl under the bed and hide. My eyes moved to stare anywhere but at Serilda or Erik. I couldn't meet their eyes.

The feel of the rise of bile inside my mouth from the memories made me want to puke to the last of my guts until I fainted. All the days that followed, Suddenly it felt as if ants were crawling over my skin. Rubbing my hands together I tried to take control of the nervousness that I was being drowned in.

"I ... was," my throat felt as dry as the Sahara. I could feel eyes on me but would they still look at me the same when they knew the truth? Would it be pity or disgust? Would they even believe me?

"Sexually assaulted," my eyes shut closed as I let that word out. I couldn't look at any one of them. There were days following that incident when I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I was disgusted that I had something like that happen to me. It had hurt straight right through my male ago that I could be affected by something like this. For days the idea of even admitting it to myself had felt repulsive, I wanted to ignore it. Ignore what had happened at all, like it was no big thing.

"Aaron," Erik called out my name and I just couldn't lift my head to look at him to see the pity I heard in his voice.

"Why didn't you call me?" His question was full of concern but how could I tell him something like this? It hurt, to even accept it. "You should have let me know, I could have done something."

"You couldn't have done anything, Erik," I was human but the male ego held me back from any kind of support from anyone. "We were never that close, to begin with where I could tell me something like this."

"And what about me?" Serilda's question had me face her. With tears in her eyes, she just stared at me with pity.

"Because I couldn't see pity in your eyes for me just as I'm seeing right now," my voice seemed cold as I said those words. I could feel a storm of emotions inside of me. Accepting it tore me apart but at the same time, I felt immense anger. Conflicting emotions had me trapped. Scrubbing my hands down my face I just looked at her once again. Erik now stood beside me but I couldn't look at him. In the back of my mind, I felt less of a man than him.

"I'm sorry," I kept my eyes on Serilda. "There was already so much going on in our life and I didn't want to stress you out. I wanted to keep you away from all of this but I couldn't in the end."

"Aaron, you could have said something," the pain in her voice affected me but I had no idea how to make her feel better. I didn't want her to hurt further but at the same time, I wanted to ask her why didn't she notice the change in me. How couldn't she notice the redness on my skin as I scrubbed myself violently for weeks? Didn't she see me building a distance between us, not sitting to have meals with her for weeks?

Why didn't she see all the subtle changes that occurred six months back? I wanted to ask her all these things but one look in her eyes and I knew the answer. She was trying so hard for us. All through the years, she had been trying for both of us. She had been the one to go in and out of clinics. We both wanted a family and every time the stick came back negative I could see how she felt yet she held herself strong for both of us.

She deserved all the happiness I could give her and that is why I let go of all those idiotic questions.

"I wish I could have Serilda," I tried to give her a small smile. "I couldn't have handled any of your pity and I still can't. I didn't want you to be thinking that I was less of a man. It was my pain and problem to bear, that was what I had thought to be, yet here we are."

"Aaron," Erik sighed as he stood beside me. "What did Serena do? How... did ...she, it's so hard for me to even say it. You are stronger than me," he slapped his hand on my shoulder gently.

"I don't think we should talk about this now," Serilda spoke up and I was at a loss of words because I was being torn between telling it all and nothing. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. I wanted to rip the band-aid off and never talk about it again, close the chapter of what had happened to me for once and all.

"I want to." She stared at me before shaking her head in denial.

"Aaron, not right now," I was adamant to let her know about it.

"I need to share it with someone because if I don't it would just keep on eating me and you both. I don't want it to do more damage to us, enough has already been done," there was no need to prolong it.

For one last time, I closed my eyes trying to remember as many as details I could for one last time before I could forget it at all.