The Dark Lord's Horcrux

just another day at hogwarts

a bad night full of nightmares brought me back to my dull existence. what were these nightmares about?

Edward Cullen.

Screw you Edward. He was too bootiful to exist. His tense muscles, eyes filled with bloodlust, his paper-white sharp fangs. he could pierce my heart all he wanted. 

But no. he was too bootiful. too bootiful to appear in the grotesque depths of my mind. I was so hideous even the minotaur wouldn't slay me. 

I glanced around the dorm with my yucky smokey orbs, and jumped out of my bed like a WWE wrestler... and smashed into the wall. It was very early. but i couldn't go back to sleep. 

i ran to the bathroom naked with my enormous feet, and immediately crashed into the door. i was 7 feet tall and super strong. we'd always get along. wait. wrong song.

i stared at myself in the clear mirror. i was a 7 foot tall dinosaur, who was sLeNdEr BuT sOft.with an ideal hourglass body. because apparently that's the only acceptable archetype to write female puny humans as. 

normally, i would cry, which made me look even more ugly. but i ran to the bathroom, and shoved a paper bag over my head to suffocate myself. it didn't work, because the cheap paperbag was from 'Joe's Plastics: you use it, we fuse it'. and then it spontaneously combusted, the teeny-tiny fireworks assembling to create a picture of donald's trump duckface.

i spit on the fireworks, and howled. i was half werewolf. i was also a fairy princess, mermaid, firebender,  slytherin queen, avenger, artist, a hunter, a victor, 1/1294837507928758375027580135092370957240957th vampire, an angel, a Charizard, a demon, god, a bucket, warlock, smurf, an emotion, a Taylor swift song, a jedi and a victoria's secret model. but i'm not a book, because those are for mudbloods like that crusty musty dusty rusty Hermione granger. omg, she's so not fetch.

but more about me. 

im so unpopular uwu. the last time i ever had a friend was 2 days ago. i don't even know how i survived that long. 

one day, i was contemplating my sad, bad, mad existence, and started barking. did i forget to mention that i am sirius black's great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- aunt's neice's daughter's nephew's cousin's brother's boyfriend's sidekick's piranha's baby's broomstick's wife's boyfriend's nephew? but i'm pureblood, so it's fine.

and then i cried, because screw you that's why. i galloped like a chihuahua and smashed into this very very very very very very very very very big tree. i think it's called a whupping willy wonka or something. but i was angsty, and blew my tiny nose into a branch, and hugged the whining woowaa tree.

and then it bitch-slapped me. ouch, wilma. 

so i cried again.

and then i flew on my nimbus 290475034957092390971094275308957 all the way to the bahamas.

i fell down because the wind hates me, and while falling down a volcano i saw jeremy renner making out with an arrow. he waved to me, and i blushed. but probably like Clifford the big red dog.

i got up using my stick-thin arms. and heard a noise with my bat-like ears. suddenly,  i've been hit by a magical floating car thingy.. i'm only 6.9 pounds so i crashed into the volcano and died. it was that ginger headass Weasley #6 and pottah with that scar who crashed into me.. he's so hawt. but he's not my favourite smol boy. he thinks he's such a main character. so depresso. and his hair is like, big yikes.

but i'm not judgy-wudgy, i'm just a poor, pathetic, rich-rich loner uwu. so god hated having me with him so much he respawned me. and then i cried. i was so emotional.

i've told daddy so many times to buy me some friends but i have to make some. is there supposed to be a potions lesson or something for that? because i'm so big-brain. i pay the brain bills everyday. but i'm so hideous, i look like a troll. but mommy and daddy won't do magic to fix my fugly face.

the car had hit my already disoriented face, and broke my nose into 102470358167489302987364243564367546370210397543204913641305643850356898465845602363802 tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny 

- 1 million seconds later - 

tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny little pieces.

so i now sound like a british paris hilton. the only reason i know so much about muggles is because of that mustard britney spears in 2nd grade. i'm not even sure that mudblood IS a witch. she could become a singer though. 

i step out of the bathroom after i have finished my satanic ritual, and proceed to cowabunga on my bed and break my nose into 203532956204276783902873469230956370601012947508361560319753113956151305680135683165083265013650316523850813568031650316536501365315860831563 more little pieces. but i fix my nose, because i'm very good with a wand 😼😼😼

I'm such a nerd uwu.

i dress into my 3857310719071971-973-731902685024607590317307240975024975209475249067403 piece bikini, and cry. 

i put on my high heels, and trip. but i am already tall, so i trip all the way to the stairs. back in my day, we didn't have stairs. we jumped off of buildings. oh wait, I'm only 12. 

never mind.

as i rolled down like sonic the hedgehog, i found myself plummeting down like a dead bird. because, at this exact moment, the stairs decided it was the perfect time to randomly move. so, i died again.

but i came back because satan thought i was too pure for hell uwu. he's so sweet.

so i spawned back to the great hall. 

and then...