The Dark Lord's Horcrux

Hogsmeade and mead

WELCOME BACK, FELLOW CRACK READERS. WARNING: THIS CHAPTER MAY LEAD TO YOU LOSING BRAIN CELLS UNLESS YOU ARE COMPLETELY INSANE. ( also, there might be some parts of the story which might be considered racist, so I would like to start off by apologising if I have offended you)

as i opened my White Black Orange Maroon Red Yellow Lime green Salmon Green orbs, i cried. 

THE LIGHTS ARE SO BRIGHT THAT THEY ALWAYS BLIND ME ( #foreshadowing )

and there's also the fact that cedric bedrick was so close to my face that I could see his DNA, his soul and his past lives. 

did y'all know he was a vampire in one life? damn, boi.

oh wait, i'm supposed to sound british

shit. 

I mean, GREAT HEAVENS TO KING GEORGE GRACIOUS FASTIDIOUS LORD SAVE THE KING HENRY.

maffmatics is hard, innit?

okay, done.

so, anyway, i mustered all the slytheringnessestablishmentdeterminationcowabungapowerpuffgirlslayqueen inside of me and looked him in the eye. he turned into a badger and i ate him. 

but i felt bad, so i prayed to gordon ramsey to give cedric one more chance. 

he did. and he called me an idiot sandwich. 

but i had to sell my first-born cow to him.

where do you buy a cow???

eh, daddy will figure it out.

okay, so anyway, cedric respawned with a rubber hammer, and for some reason was wearing a green cap and mechanic outfit. and he kept speaking in a pizza accent.

tell me. what is the function... of a rubber duck?

i mean, hammer.

the function of a rubber hammer. 

you know, because he was holding a hamm- 

yeah, i'll just stop talking. 

he respawned, and i liked his green clothes, so i changed into my tree outfit, which was made by this norwegian dude with slick black hair and dark green clothes and he sounded really british and he was super-duper hot and i think his name was 'low-key' or something? 

 so yeah, i was wearing my ensemble, called 'grut' pronounced gur-ooooooooooooo-ttt.  yeah, i don't understand french or whatever language he spoke.

but i'm so smart, like, I know everything. 

ask me a question. 

like, who were the four finders of hogwarts?

easy.

gorilla gryffindor, holla hufflepuff, romanoff ravenclaw, and, last but not least, sallyjar Slytherin.

like, only the smartest badasses know this.

but I'm ugly, so, no one cares.

uWu 👉👈.

so, yeah, sorry i keep getting distracted. i have adhd, attention disorders, learning disabilities,  Oppositional defiant disorder, Conduct disorder, Anxiety, , Obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression, because when i was 0.1294751935693597593679515197563867958488652395248765436784956854378349569543287364673456784932987617892304958654327w209432452839576472097849683769402846935269763759243 seconds old, some strangers decided that i was too ugly, and yeeted me into the grand canyon, where i cracked my head open.

 there, i was raised by a group of purple lizards, who thought that eating was bad for humans, so i have never eaten food in my life. I'm so skinny. the lizards, opppppppppppppu, and mmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmyu, were super duper kind, but they liked to eat bunnies.