The Dark Lord's Horcrux

Low-key

sorry for not updating for so long, I died and then turned into a clown and went into the Mediterranean sea to receive serious therapy from all the lobsters. under the sea, do-do-do-do.

i woke up, and the world was upside down.

are we in a mirror maze?

oh wait.

never mind. i'm just upside down. 

i woke up, and then found out that blondie was carrying me. he twirled around like a ballerina and then he swung his hammer around and flew into the sky. 

I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

and then this asteroid or something came along. it was soooooo cool, it looked like a depressed 2000's tumblr user girl's rainbow coloured hair. anyway

we were flying, and screaming, and yelling, and dancing, and flying, and singing, and crying, and flying, and talking, and waiting, and boring, and mouthing, and flying, and ascending, and thoring, and lokiing, and hammering, and flying ( did I say flying)

we did a lot of stuff, but then... we reached ass-gard. over there, there was this really bougie dude with a golden princess tiara and a  golden sharp, long, pointy selfie stick standing in the middle of a circular ring in the very middle of the room. 

showy much?

i leaped off of thor's neck ( omg how did i get there hehehehhehehheeheheeeehehehehehhehehehehhehhhhhehehehehehheheehhehehehehhhehhehehehhehehehhheeeeeehhhhhhheehehhhehehehhehehehhehhehehehheheehhehehehehehehehhehehhhhhhhhhhehehehehehehheheheh) 

i tiptoed over to the bootiful princess tiara self-obsessed man who looked eerily like idris elba, and slapped him. 

he slapped me back.

thor told me it's how you introduce yourselves in ass-gard.

he's so polite, uWu.

then idris elba carbon copy looked at me with his mesmerising tangerine orbs and then dropped to floor and yelled " BELOVED LADY Y/N, YOU HAVE COME TO SAVE ASGARD AFTER ALL! "

 what the heck, i thought, because this dude's a weirdo. 

"what the heck" i said.

then he hopped back up and said to me " Lady Y/N, allow me to introduce myself. I am Heimdall, the All-seer and All-hearer of Asgard, Guardian of the Bifrost Bridge. I can see and hear everything that happens in the nine realms. I have assimilated that your presence will be benevolent to Asgard beyond substantial correspondence. Indebted to your future are we, for what comes ahead has lied in deep trouble before your beckoning. Once more might I add that it is possible that once and for all, our turbulence has conceived the potentiality of gratitude towards our emancipator of dismay." and he looked at me like i understood everything. 

i did not understand anything. 

"wot" 

The All-peer or whoever he was came closer to me, he knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said MARRY ME, JULI- no, no, i'm just joking. shut up, y'all. 

yeah, so, Big Driis came over, took my hand and gently touched his lips to it, so obviously i screamed "STRANGER DANGER" and leapt back into thor's arms, and he walked me over to his enormous castle. 

somebody's rich-rich.

so, then, guess who i saw...

LOW-KEY. 

"ayo, LOWKEY!" I shrieked like Mariah Carey. he turned around, and turned into a snake. 

now, y'all know how much i love snakes, so i picked up the snake to admire it, but then he turned back and said, "mblergh! it's me!" and then he stabbed me. 

so i cried. 

thor gave me a lollipop ( as all know that lollipops cure sadness ) and said, "don't you cry, my petite toe-ring, he has performed this trick on me countless times".

so i stopped crying, because of the lollipops, and because thor is hot ( but mostly the lollipops )

i'm past patiently waiting, i'm passionately smashing every expectation...

by not making any noise. 

but i was hElPlEsS, and i looked into his eyes, and the sky's the limit, i'm hElPlEsS, so i said

"gimme ur gold, bitch"

and he said, 

"k"

so i ended it with him, 'cuz that's a toxic af reply. like, GODDAMN u, thunderbolt, a letter can HURT.

"guess who's single, thor?"

"who, my precious bathtub?"

"u"

and then I skyrocketed back to ceddy-beddy, because fuck you that's why ( have I said this before, i feel like said this before )

and he was smashing his ice-cream or whatever the heck he was eating onto the wall, screaming, "I LOST THE ONE REAL THING I'VE EVER KNOWN. AND IT WAS RARE. I WAS NOT THERE. I REMEMBER IT ALL TOO WELL"

...

i don't know what the crapdoodles he was doing or singing, because this song didn't exist until 20 years later.

so I jumped onto his back. 

and I slipped off and almost fell, but cedric sang, "I'LL CATCH YOU, I'LL CATCH YOU" but he did not catch me. and started crying. "When people say things that bring you to your knees-"

but I cut him off by shrieking at the top of my lungs, saying, "NO ONE GIVES A B*RF, YOU MINIATURE CITRIC BAG OF IDIOCY"

so he shut up. and saluted to me, because I'm his american ( I mean, british ) queen. 

then I got a PING on my non-existent galaxy 124019249258192812509120925813065790742 ABSOIFKLSAFHLAKSHDFWELAHFLWEKFHWELKF 1231290710957129057129057129 that I was invited to dora's wedding. apparently she was marrying diego????

sweet home alabama, i guess. 

i looked up at cedric, and his beautiful eyes were filled with raw.... beauty. 

"i got the invite too"

"slay, bbg"

"come with me?"

"what the fuck do you think I'm gonna say, ceddy?"

"..."

"yes. you moron."