All That Bloodshed

Chapter 15: my hand was the one you reached for

None of them had gotten themselves a restful sleep that night. Ryouhei had cried himself hoarse. He cried and cried until there was nothing left and he'd passed out.

He didn't know what he was expecting — maybe for his father and brother to just... continue as normal — but he really should have seen the confrontation coming. He'd been out of the hospital for a few weeks now, and the nightmares weren't exactly a rare occurrence. He knew it troubled his family, but it wasn't like he controlled his nightmares. He didn't exactly want to be reliving these awful memories either.

Still, he hadn't been prepared for the sight that greeted him when he finally managed to peel himself from his bed. He'd woken alone to a silent house. Had it been any other day, he would have then proceeded to spend the rest of his day alone. Alas, he'd ended up passing out in panic while being held down by his family members.

Instead of an empty table, both his father and brother were sitting down and eating silently. Ryouhei didn't bother with waiting by the doorway until one of them acknowledged him and instead chose to simply take a seat on the opposite side of the table.

"Ryouhei," his brother said softly, fiddling with his food in a way that Ryouhei hadn't seen him do since before their mom died. "Your nightmares... they aren't getting better."

Ryouhei bit his lip, his eyes firmly fixed on the table. "I'm sorry," he bit out. It felt like he was sliding again and he didn't know what to do. This house had been filled with uncomfortable silence for years. He didn't know why he'd thought things would be different after coming home from the hospital. They may all want to try, sure, but none of them know how.

They'd just been dancing around each other for weeks. Hajime may have spent time with him in the hospital, but it was like he didn't know how to treat him when he got home. His father worked just as much as Ryouhei remembered, and he only really saw him for dinner, which was a quiet affair. His father seemed to be waiting for him to approach him when he was ready and was patient enough to wait.

Ryouhei knew nightmares were a possibility. His sleep hadn't been the most restful even before the Borderlands, although if he had nightmares in the hospital he didn't remember them and one said anything. It was like, as soon as he got home, he let his guard down. Rarely did he go a night without a nightmare, although they weren't all screaming ones like the night before.

"You don't have to be sorry, Ryouhei," his brother said stiffly. "But clearly something is wrong."

"What do you want me to say?" he said. Speaking was easier now, although sometimes his words still got trapped in his chest. Hajime got upset when he didn't speak though. His father didn't say anything either way.

"I don't know," his brother huffed. "Maybe be honest with us when something's bothering you? We just want to help."

Ryouhei wanted to curl his lip. Everyone just wanted to help but it was nightmares. His subconscious was just deciding to fuck him over now that he was back in the real world. It wasn't like he wanted to live like this! It wasn't his fault .

"You think I'm doing this on purpose?"

He was so tired of everything going wrong being his fault.

Hajime carefully placed his chopsticks down. "You talk in your sleep, you know," he pivoted. "Maybe if you talked about your nightmares, they'd go away." He paused for a moment. "Who's 'Niragi'?"

It felt like his blood turned to ice. He hadn't heard that name in a while, although he had done his best to avoid thinking about him too. He knew that that didn't do much.

Sometimes his nightmares were about watching lazers kill people — that first night with the man in the alleyway... Asahi at the Beach. Sometimes it was being hunted by the King of Spades or seeing his people all dead in the alleyway. Sometimes it was the 7 of Hearts — watching Karube explode — or the 10 of Hearts and the terrible fire. Sometimes it was even the Queen of Hearts, one of his and Usagi's closest wins.