Love Story Telling

Dear Ex

To that person who had been a part of my life, here's for you, Mahal. We'll see each other sooner. :)

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Dear Ex,

I am not that bitter. Am I?

I wrote this letter, intentionally, just to say that you're one hell of a jerk and a goddamn asshole. I am very, very much thankful that we didn't end up together. I am so glad that I'm not that fool to stick with someone like you, after all the things you've done. Lalo na nung bigla ka na lang nang-iwan.

You're definitely an idiot for hurting someone as precious like me and for leaving me without any explanation at all. Damn you, with hard feelings. And maybe you deserve what you got right now and I am worth a man who's way, way beyond you. Someone man enough to fight for me and someone who'll be scared of leaving me. Someone who you cannot be. Hindi na ikaw.

I won't beg just for you to come back, hindi ako tanga para gawin ang bagay na 'yon. I realized that I deserve more and nothing less. I won't do stupid things again just to hear from you, just to know your whereabouts and what happened to you after we part ways. I'll stop visiting your accounts from now on just to check if you have new photos with her, or if you go out on a date with her, or just one simple post about how much you love her. I know time will come that I'll stop being pathetic and maybe I should start now.

Maybe you're right back then or maybe not. We should stop communicating, right? So we cannot hurt each other any longer. But I guess you didn't know you have this certain capability of hurting me even with the slightest memory of you. Hiniling ko pa nga na sana mawalan na lang ako ng alaala. Maybe then, I could start anew.

Do you even know that I got myself drunk just to forget you for a while? You don't? Because you're not there anymore, and alcohol does not have that kind of effect. It just worsen the feeling. Mas lalo lang naging masakit.

Am I blaming you? No. I just want to let you know the pain and hardships I've been through after you left that night. I want you to realize that it is not my lost but yours. You're not the only person who got hurt, and it is me who broke into tiny little pieces. It is me who needs to do the moving on and letting go. It was me all along. Ako lang mag-isa, kasi 'di ba may iba na?

Remember your promise? Hindi na natupad, 'di ba? 'Cause after a couple of months, you found this girl that I never was. You chose to stick with her and continue your life while I'm still stuck with your memories. Ironic, right? Parang sa mga movies lang nangyayari pero ginawa mo sa'kin. Pinaramdam mo sa'kin kung gaano kasakit ang dating pinapanood ko lang at 'yung dating naririnig ko lang.

Know what? I could be more than happy if you didn't promised me anything. I could have moved on back then and forget you that easily but because of that damn promise, umasa na naman ako. Because you told me you'll be back and we'll patch things up. Sinabi mo rin sa mga kaibigan ko pero hindi mo ginawa. Hindi nangyari at nagmukha lang akong tanga sa kahihintay. Pinaasa mo lang ako. Dinagdagan mo lang 'yung sakit na binigay mo sa'kin noon.

Maybe that's it. Promises were really made to be broken.

Can I ask a few question?

Am I not enough back then? May kulang pa ba sa'kin? I've almost give my all to you. I've given you all my time, my understanding, my love and everything. Kulang pa rin? Hindi pa rin sapat? Could you please tell me what I've done wrong? Nasaktan ba kita? Physically? Emotionally? May nasabi ba akong masama? Nag-away ba tayo? Nagkatampuhan? Wala naman, 'di ba?

Ni hindi ko nga maalala kung bakit nanghingi ka ng space, kung bakit ka nakipag-cool off. Nasasakal na ba kita noon? Am I being too clingy? Possessive? Obsessed? Sumobra na ba ako sa dapat kong kalagyan sa buhay mo? Or you just fell? Out of love?

I've said I won't be pathetic again yet I couldn't help it. I want to know why, what and how. Why did you left? What happened to the love that we had? How did we both end up like this? Maybe the 'how' was only applicable for me. May be I'm still holding on to that promise kahit na alam kong hindi na mangyayari.

Maybe I wrote this, not consciously knowing, that I want to start all over again. I'll start with letting all of your memories go then I'll move on. Siguro noon, hindi ko naman talaga nagawa ang mga 'yan eh, baka akala ko nagawa ko pero hindi pala. 'Yung inakala kong pagmu-move on at pagle-let go na ginawa ko, iba pala. Baka binaon ko lang sa alaala ang lahat kaya nung nakita kita na masaya na kasama ang iba, bumalik lahat ng sakit at pait. Bumalik lahat sa'kin.

Even after five years of not being together, you're still a part of my dreams. Dreams na pangarap, at dreams na panaginip. You're still on it.

Sa pangarap ko, aasa akong darating 'yung araw na makakasama ulit kita kagaya nung dati, na kahit tayong dalawa lang okay na sa'kin. Aasa ako na babalik ka at mamahalin mo ulit ako kahit na malabo na talaga. Dumating sa point na inisip kong mawawala sa landas nating dalawa 'yung taong mahal mo ngayon para tayo na lang ulit. And that's me being selfish, I know.

Sa panaginip, you're there watching like the old times, smiling at me like I'm the only girl you can possibly fall in love with and you'll kiss me out of nothing to say. Then you would say you'll never leave me again and that you love me more now than before. That's me... wishing that it was true. Na sa pagmulat ko ng mga mata ko, sana totoo lahat.

But reality would always hit me over and over again. Wala na nga palang 'tayo'. Ako na lang ang natitirang mag-isa na umaasa pa rin hanggang ngayon. Ganoon naman talaga, 'no? Sa bawat relasyong natatapos may mas masasaktan, at sa ating dalawa ako 'yung mas nasaktan. But it's okay with me, it would mean that I loved you so much it hurts me that bad.

Sa ngayon, I couldn't give anything anymore. Parang nabubuhay lang ako dahil kailangan. My days were gloomy and not that exciting for me anymore. I would start my day and would end it like nothing happened. It was so ordinary. Just ordinary.

Now, can you help me move on? Don't text me anymore. Delete my number or just don't reply when I text you. Stop chatting when you saw I'm online. Block me. Unfollow me. Don't ever like my post and don't leave any comment on it. And when we saw each other on a mall or on any place, don't ever smile at me. Don't ever approach me. Don't talk to me.

I will beg this time. Don't tolerate me anymore. Ignore me as long as you can. Dahil habang pinapansin mo pa rin ako, aasa at aasa pa rin ako na magkakaroon pa ng tayo. Iisipin kong mahal mo pa rin ako dahil pinapansin mo pa rin ako. Huwag mo akong bigyan ng katiting na pag-asa na baka pwede pa. Hayaan mo akong masaktan, 'cause gradually, I'll move on and eventually I'll let go. Makakaya ko rin ang lahat.

Thank you 'cause I met someone like you. You may not be the best, but I think you're better than anybody else. Thank you for the love and care when I was the one. For all those moments of being together. For making me laugh so hard that I end up bursting into tears because of your non-dying jokes. For making me feel special even after our fights. For sticking up with me when everyone turned their backs. For understanding my tantrums when I had a bad day. For cheering me up when I was so down. For letting me cry on your shoulders and you'd end up crying too. Thank you for all those days. Thank you for being a part of my life. Hindi man tayo sa huli, at least, God had given me that once in a lifetime chance to be with you. And I am thankful that I had you.

Shall I bid goodbye now? This is our end, isn't it?

Moving on,

Nats