Love Story Telling

214

I smiled bitterly and tried to remember the way he used to smile and laugh. Ibang-iba na. Hindi katulad noon na may buhay at talagang may tunog ang bawat tawa niya… kasi kung tatanungin ngayon? It’s all gone.

Gone were the days he laugh his heart out. The days he wore his perfect smile. I hardly see him laughing. I rarely see his smiles. He’s like a walking dead now. No feelings. No emotions. Tila pinagkait niya ang mga bagay na ‘yon sa sarili niya mismo. And it pained me even more. Ako ang dahilan kung bakit siya ganyan.

“Craig,” I caressed his face. I missed him. Every single details about him.

Pumikit siya at tumingala sa langit. Tinatamaan nang papalubog na sikat ng araw ang kanyang mukha. He looks surreal. He felt surreal. Now I wonder why he’s here. Why he’s always visiting me. Why he always care.

“I’m sorry…” A tear fell from my eye as I remembered all the things he did for me. All of his efforts. The way he made me feel special and loved.

Bahagya siyang kumilos at nagmulat ng mga mata. He looked down at me. Pain was visible in his eyes. There are those unshed tears. He look so lost and broken. He was the man I broke. The man I hurt the most.

“Why…” bulong niya sa isang matigas na Ingles. He gasp for some air. Tila pinipigilan niya ang pagpatak ng mga nagbabadyang luha. “I’ve given my all… my best. Everything. Why are you so unfair to me? Am I not enough? May hindi ba ako naibigay sa’yo? Nagkulang ba ako?”

Ilang iling ang paulit-ulit kong ginawa. God knows he did everything for us. He did nothing but love me unconditionally. Ako iyong may problema. Ako iyong nagkamali. But the blame were all put unto him... dahil siya ang naiwang mag-isa. Tinanggap niya ang lahat ng sisi at masasakit na salita na hindi naman nararapat para sa kanya.

I felt a pang of guilt. I’m at fault. Sa akin dapat na ibunton lahat ng sisi at hindi sa kanya. All he did was love me, but I returned it with unfaithfulness. Dinungisan ko ‘yung pagmamahal na inilaan niya para sa’kin. Hindi ko nirespeto ang nararamdaman niya. All I think about was myself and my freedom. Iyon lang ang mahalaga sa akin noong mga panahong iyon.

It was all that matters to me that time, and he didn’t even matter to me. Wala akong pakialam sa kanya. Why would I care in the first place? Everything about us was fixed. Damn those traditions. Damn that fixed marriage. I don’t need any of it. I don’t give a damn about it. I love my freedom so much that being tied up to him was hell for me.

“I loved you,” mahinang sambit niya. “Wasn’t that enough for the both of us? Kulang pa ba ang pagmamahal ko para sa’ting dalawa? Should I gave more? My all? Hindi ako sapat, ‘di ba? That’s why you left… with my child.” Anger was on his voice. Humigpit ang hawak niya sa mga mumunting damo. It was as if everything depended on it. Like it could take  the pain away.

Nagbaba ako ng tingin. Hindi ko siya kayang tingnan. All I could see in his eyes was pain and betrayal. I can’t say anything. I know I was wrong. So wrong. Hindi ko ginustong mangyari ‘yon. .

Sinong ina ang gugustuhing mapahamak ang kanyang anak? Wala… kahit ako na walang kwentang tao. Kahit ako na makasarili. Hindi ko ginustong mawala sa’kin ang anghel ko. Hindi ko gustong mamatay siya.

I saw a tear fell on the ground. I can’t even look straight at him! I don’t want to see him this broken. I don’t want to treasure his pained face. I don’t want it… but I did it. Ako ‘yung gumawa nang lahat. Ako ang may kasalanan kung bakit siya naging ganyan. It was me all along. It’s still me after years.

“You’re so selfish… and unfair,” basag ang boses na turan niya. “You only think about yourself. Your own freedom. Ganoon ba kita nasakal noon? Hinayaan kita sa mga gusto mo. Pinaboran kita sa harap ng mga magulang natin. I gave you everything you wanted. Everything you yearned for. But why couldn’t you give me my own happiness? Why did you take them all away? Kasabay ng pagkawala mo… kasabay ng pagkamatay niyo ng anak ko.” Mabagal ngunit madiin ang bitaw niya ng mga salita.

Lumakas ang hikbi ko. I know. Alam ko sa sarili ko kung ano ang kasalanan ko. Alam ko kung ano ang mga bagay na hiniling kong sana hindi ko na lang ginawa. But it’s too late before I came to realize all those things. Too late that I paid it with my own life. Our lives, my little angel and I’s.
I looked up at him. How I wish he can see me. How I wish he can hear me. How I wish I could turn back time. How I wish I loved him enough. How I wish I treasured him the most. How I wish I became a better wife. But those wishes will never ever come true. Hindi na mangyayari pa.

“I was left alone that I thought killing myself would be the best choice. I dragged myself down. I even wanted to burry myself six feet under the ground. I almost hired someone to kill me. Crazy, right? Pero iyon ang totoo. Nawalan ng saysay lahat sa buhay ko nung iwan niyo ako. Why, Cindy? Why did you have to runaway from me? Why did you have to leave that night? The night of our 3rd year anniversary.”

I felt the pain much more than the last time. Hearing all of this coming from him tripled the pain and the agony. Maybe this is the reason why I still can’t leave. This is why I don’t want to leave. We both need this.

Ngumisi siya na tila may maalala. Kumislap ang gilid ng kanyang mga mata at muling pumatak ang mga luha.

“Of course,” he continued, “you’re not in love with me. You may love me but not in a romantic way. You only stood by my side because I used to be your shoulder to cry on. I used to be your one call away boy. I used to be a friend when you’re in pain. That’s my only role in your life. Iyon lang…”

I shook my head. “No… believe me, Craig, I love you.” I said in between my tears. I love him. It just came too late before I realize it.

He laughed sarcastically, tila narinig ang mga binitiwan kong salita. Maya-maya ay naging seryoso siya. He took a deep breath and sighed.

“I came here to say good bye. I’m leaving this country for good. Nasasaktan lang akong lalo sa tuwing naaalala ko ang lahat. It was the darkest part of my life. I want my freedom. Set me free…” he cried and break down, “cause I can’t even set myself free. Cindy please…” pagmamakaawa niya. “Give me my freedom.”

I smiled bitterly. I guess it’s time that I should go. It’s time for us to part ways. It’s time to let go.

“Good bye, Craig,” I reached for his face. For the last time, I want to feel him again. I want him to feel how much I care. How much I love him and how difficult it is to let him go.

“We’re both free now.” He smiled and muttered a soft and genuine thank you before leaving my grave.

It was on the 14th day of February when a promising love story ended the way it should be. The way she expected it to be.