as the rain falls

waiting

"am i important to you?"

"why do you ask? i told you awhile ago you were."

"well it's just that sometimes i can't tell how you feel. i know you say i matter to you, but your actions imply something different."

"but i do care about you, it's not like i'm trying to push you away or anything."

"well no, and i get that, but you know my brain works differently.

"i mean sure, but it's not like i blatantly ignore you, i talk to you more than anyone else. you know more about me than anyone has in the last 7 years."

"but i stay up extra late waiting for a text or call from you, and when we do text it's usually about you. if i try to change the subject, then you stop responding as quick, or you don't even acknowledge what i said. when we talk on the phone i feel like the only reason you know anything about me is because i just ramble, rather than being interested and asking questions."

"but i ask questions, don't i? i thought i did."

"you do, but only if i make you pick questions to ask. you never ask me to specify anything when i actually answer the question the way i do with you."

"i guess i just don't really think about that. but it doesn't mean i don't care."

"and i get that, but i don't think you care about me, y'know? i think you only care because i give you the attention you want."

"..."

"i think about this all the time, and how if i didn't give you the attention you've been wanting for so long that we simply wouldn't talk. and i know that a part of being friends is leaning on each other and listening, especially when one is struggling more than the other, but you don't like me. you like my attention."

"..."

"and that's okay. most of my friendships are like this so it's nothing i'm not used to, i guess im just tired of my heart hurting while i'm waiting for you to need me."

"..."

"plus, i think i do like the attention i get from you when i do get it; i love feeling needed and like i'm the only one you've truly confided in, it's really great when i feel a connection, it's just those in between spots where i really cant tell what you're feeling that drives me fucking insane."

"im sorry i didn't realize you thought this way."

"that's alright. i know the way i think doesn't make a ton of sense, and i know im sensitive and take things to heart too easily."

"im still really sorry."

"you shouldn't have to be, you don't need to be."