let me love you ~ michael jackson & ariana grande

...denial pt 2

                             June 25th, 2009

Ariana

Sobs overtake my body silently as I lay awake, facing the wall. The bed is so cold without him here. The light from the hall shines in, I can't sleep with my door closed tonight. Getting the kids to bed tonight was...difficult, to say the least. Paris and Blanket have been inconsolable, both of them crying for their father. Prince has been quiet, I honestly think he's taking the loss the hardest but he wants to be strong.

Seeing my kids break down like this is like repeatedly being stabbed in the gut. I called Delilah after I informed the children, she completely broke down on the phone and hearing my eldest daughter scream the way she was, it was heart wrenching. She told me she was going to try to fly home tonight, tomorrow morning at the latest.

Every radio station, every channel, every person has been talking about Michael's passing. So many people are sending their condolences to me, many people I haven't heard from in years.

It's funny how when Michael was alive, we were dropped by almost the whole industry but now since he's passed, everyone's reaching out? It's almost laughable.

"Mommy?..." Paris's voice makes me jump, I see little Blanket standing beside her.

"What is it, baby?" I sit up, looking at my little boy.

"Can we sleep with you tonight?" She asks, holding her little brother's hand.

"Of course you guys can." I wipe some leftover tears and motion them to the bed, they instantly hop in with me, getting comfortable.

Blanket lays in the middle with Paris on his left and myself on his right.

"I love you guys so much." I whisper.

"We love you too." Paris quietly says before facing the other way.

I face Blanket and weakly smile, his hand comes up and gently wipes the wetness off of my cheeks.

"Wherever daddy is, he'll be okay. He's strong." He nods surely.

That same warmth fills my eyes but I try my hardest to blink it away. "He's in a much better place now, Blanket. No meanies anymore."

⊹⊱✫⊰⊹

                            June 26th, 2009

"Ariana, I'm so incredibly sorry, honey." My mom and I cry together as she embraces me lovingly. "He will never be forgotten, what a beautiful soul he was..."

I wipe my eyes out of frustration, I feel like the tears will never stop coming. "Mom, I don't know what I'm going to do without him. The kids need their dad."

She pulls away, stroking away a tear on my face with her finger. "And they'll always have him. He might not physically be there but he's always going to be with you guys no matter what."

I take in her encouraging words. "It shouldn't of happened like this...he should still be here." I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

"I know." She agrees. "He's at peace now though, we need to let him rest."

I walk in the house, starting to feel agitated. "I don't want to let him rest! Mom, it feels like someone has took half of me away. I'm weak without him by my side." I bite my cheek while wet droplets fall.

"And you're going to feel like that for awhile, that's only normal."

"When is this pain going to end?" I bury my head into her shoulder, wails leave my mouth. Losing Michael has turned my 45 year old self right back into that 11 year old girl, just wanting to be consoled by her mother.