Dawn of Chaos

Chapter 7: What was I made for?

DAWN

            I didn't get to sleep that night. We didn't even said goodbye when we entered back the dorms. But their eyes said enough. What people said was true.

The eyes never lies.

I stared at the dull, grey ceiling. My mind wondered through the events this morning, wondering why I was so curious in checking out the cabin, knowing fully well that it was stocks of supply and nothing more.
I kept thinking. The impulsive decisions I created made me confused of myself. I didn't know why I even checked. I knew. Heck, I asked.

Maybe I checked just to be sure. Just to be cautious, or something- Or whatever. Or maybe because you saw them enter the woods and didn't came back.

I rolled my eyes as my own thoughts gave me away.

Fine. Maybe I saw them accidentally enter the woods. Or maybe I didn't.
Freaking hell. Fine I was eyeing. I think? If that's even the word. I wouldn't call it stalking. No. It's too far from that. And I'd never stalk them.

..

Fine, maybe a little. But who wouldn't be curious when you saw them enter the woods with two unknown people and came back 34 minutes later under the rain. Shirtless, might I add.

And yes, I was still curious with the cabin. I was supposed to leave anyways. I told myself I'd l leave the moment my watch hits 35,. But hey,  It wasn't my fault they came back a minute before my deadline. I completely wasn't waiting on anyone. They just happen to be there.

And I happen to leave something inside the cabin as well. But who cares, right? It wasn't like they would've known it was mine. Heck, I doubt Brahms saw it with all the cobwebs and stalks of supply inside the small cabin. So the thought of them finding out I left my umbrella inside purposely was already at the back of my mind.

I'll get it tomorrow. Or If I find the time to. Who cares. It was a stupid umbrella anyways.

I sighed in my bed, tossing and turning as I tried to find a comfortable spot. I took a pillow and placed it on my head, only to grunt when I received no comfort.

"Fuck"

I widened my eyes, stopping myself from moving when I realized what came out of my mouth.

"Have I lost my freaking mind?" No way in hell did I said that. I've never cussed or cursed my entire life. Not once did I had the need nor urge to cuss.

Besides, if my mom ever heard of it, I'd probably be kneeling inside the prayer room as I chant prayers and even the novena until she was sure I didn't sin anymore. And it only happened once, when I snuck out to the kitchen because I was hungry. When she saw me, she told me how gluttony was engulfing my soul and that I should ask for forgiveness. I was 10.

I sighed, grabbing my rosary on the lamp table.

I stopped myself midway, furrowing my eyebrows as a thought came into mind. I've only been here one and a half months and yet, I've already found myself tangled up with the three of them. I wondered how many sins I've created the moment I stepped on this academy. Was it really something worth praying for?

I glanced at my rosary, contemplating whether I should pray or not. I wondered. If God was truly listening, would he be angry for the actions I've caused? Growing up in a religious family, I've grown to understand what the religion stands for. But for the first time in my life, I've grown confused. If anything I've believed in for the past years were even true. And in that confusion lies the question I've been avoiding as well. What even is my worth. Other than waiting for the man they've arranged for me, or beeing a good housewife for the lucianos. Other than being religious, who am' I?