Tainted (Criminal Minds / One Chicago FanFic)

Chapter 6 (Edited)

Firehouse 51, Chicago Illinois 

Alexa and Brett sat in the common room at the small round table with a small vase in the center holding the dozen red roses. "These are gorgeous," Gabby said as she took a rose and smelt the fresh flower in her hand. "What's with the flowers?" Lieutenant Severide asked as he walked over to the coffee machine. "Hotchner's boyfriend dropped them off," Gabby said with a smirk teasing Alexa as she took a sip of coffee. 

"Hotchner, you have a boyfriend?" Otis asked her from the kitchen. Alexa nodded noticing everyone who was in the room was looking at her now. "I've been with him on and off for a year now," Alexa replied. "What's his name?" Cruz asked, "Derek," Alexa replied with a smile as she took a sip of her coffee looking at the roses on the table. "a year? on and off? what happened?" Otis asked her. 

His question earned a stern look from Cruz that yelled did you really just ask that? "What it's a valid question," Otis replied. "Our jobs got in the way, I'm gonna go over inventory in the rig," Alexa said as she stood up and made her way out to the ambo. "Hey sorry about Otis," Brett said walking over to the back of the ambo a few minutes later. "It's okay, I kinda expected it since I'm new and they're just starting to get to know me and vice versa," Alexa replied looking at her partner. "They're harmless I swear, after shift tomorrow a lot of us get together at a local bar called Molly's. You should come, and hang out," Brett suggested. 

"I would but my dad and Derek are meeting me after shift, I kinda have a lot of explaining to do after dropping a letter and vanishing, raincheck though?" Alexa asked. Brett nodded her head, "Sure," she replied as she started helping Alexa with inventory. The rest of the shift ambo got another 4 calls, slowly morning rolled around and the shift ended. 

Alexa let out a deep breath as she climbed into her Honda Civic and started driving toward her apartment. She still had to use a GPS to get around since she didn't know the city well enough to navigate the roads without any directions. 

Alexa Hotchner's Apartment, Chicago Illinois 

Alexa's car pulled up outside her apartment building and she parked the car, climbing out with her duffle bag over her shoulder. The ginger locked the doors to her car as she made her way across the street and into the building carrying her flowers with her.

Alexa walked down the 2nd floor hallway to her apartment 2B, she paused outside her door taking a deep breath before she pushed the key in the lock and opened the door. Alexa shut the door behind her and went to kick her shoes off noticing 5 other sets of shoes as she took hers off. The ginger walked toward the kitchen but paused noticing Emily, JJ, Spencer, and Penelope sitting on her couch drinking coffee. 

"Morning," JJ said noticing Alexa first. "Morning," she replied confused, "There's a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen," Emily told her as Alexa set her duffle bag down. "I'm gonna go grab a mug," she said making her way into the kitchen where her dad and Derek were standing at the counter drinking their own cups of coffee. "Morning," she said walking in and heading straight for the coffee maker. 

"Morning," both her dad and Derek said. "How was your first shift?" Derek asked placing a kiss on her cheek. "It was good, really busy," Alexa replied as she added sugar and cream to her coffee, only just noticing Spencer and the girls joined them in the kitchen. "Not gonna lie, I wasn't expecting you all to come out here," Alexa said as she took a sip of coffee. 

"You left without saying a word to us, " Spencer said trying to hide the hurt in her voice. "You had to know we would come to find you and figure out what's going on gorgeous," Derek added. "And believe me, It was easy to find where you were," Penelope added. "I wasn't trying to hide from you, and I'm sorry for leaving without saying anything to you. All of you, I didn't mean to worry you," Alexa said. 

"Sweetheart, what's going on?" her dad asked meeting her gaze, Alexa looked down at her coffee. She didn't even know how to phrase the words to explain how she felt. Everyone's eyes were on her, she could feel them profiling her the longer she was quiet. "I'm gonna go shower and change. Wanna grab breakfast after?" Alexa asked changing the subject altogether, "Alexa- I'll let you think on it and I'll be back," she said cutting Derek off before she walked out of the kitchen and to her room where her ensuite bathroom was. 

Derek sighed after she left the room looking at Aaron, the agents exchanged looks. "She deflected the subject entirely," Emily said worriedly looking at Aaron. Penelope sighed looking towards Alexa's closed bedroom door. "Why won't she talk to us? I wanna help but how can I do that if she won't tell us what she's feeling," Penelope said. "She's grieving, we just gotta be there when she's ready to talk," Derek said sadly. 

"A large portion of people tend to surround themselves with loved ones after a loss, but a small percent tend to isolate and distance themselves from anything and everything that reminds them of their loss," Spencer said rambling. 

Alexa finished washing her hair and body and just sat under the warm running water. She knew her dad wanted to know what was going on, he wanted to know what she was feeling and thinking, wanted to know why she left leaving them an explanation in a letter. All of them were wondering the same thing especially her friends she left without a word or a letter. 

She felt disconnected like she was in a room but mentally not really there. When she didn't feel distant and disconnected she felt overwhelmed by emotions as if she was stuck in an aquarium tank drowing in front of everyone walking past and nobody seemed to notice. How would she be able to look at her dad and tell him she blamed herself for not saving her mom? She had the training and the knowledge, she saved a 16 year old boy yesterday bleeding out from a gunshot wound but she couldn't save her mom. 

It was her job to save her mom and she couldn't... Alexa let out a shaky breath pulling herself to her feet before she switched the shower off. The ginger stepped out of the shower drying herself off with a towel before she walked into her room and got dressed in a pair of black leggings and a black hoodie. 

Shortly after she was changed she walked out of the bedroom and back into the kitchen. The moment she walked into the room it went quiet. "How are you feeling?" her dad asked as she took her empty coffee mug and poured herself another coffee. "I know or hope that you don't blame me for not saving Mom," Alexa said surprising herself with her words before she turned to look at her dad who looked just as surprised. 

He shook his head as a hurt look flashed across his face, "I could never blame you for what happened- I do though, I blame myself for not saving her... Maybe if I'd just p-packed the w-wounds better." Alexa's voice cracked at the words, feeling as if someone were squeezing her throat closed.