Silly P03m B00k

To mother

To mother
(Gets personal...)

You know, when I talk to you, Mother.
When I tell you how I feel
How I move
How I see things through my eyes.
You ask me to tell you, yes
But I can't bring myself to
Its like this nagging fear
This feeling that eats me up inside and tears through my esophogous
It wrings me out dry
Tears develop.
Wanting to fall down their ducts, but won't let them
And when you ask if I'm alright..
When you, and dad ask
"Why I dont tell you".
I freeze up, its like I become nothing, I can't react
I shut down
And my chest feels like it's being torn from its place in my rib cage
Like someone is using my lungs as a squeeze toy
I could never bring myself to tell you how I feel, everytime
And I know that hurts you
know that hurts my father
It hurts me too
Because I can't bring myself to move
To talk.
You know this already, for I have told you before
But subconsciously
It's like it was brainwashed into my mind,
Drilled into my Frontal Lobe
...That you shouldnt care about me
And that you shouldnt love me
To the point to where I ignore myself
I ignore my own being
I ignore how I feel
I bottle it up to where no one ever sees when i'm
Truly mad, or sad
And that's not healthy for me
It's not healthy for anyone
And I know I'm not the only one who does it either
I dont let myself get out of hand
And I have decent control of that nagging clawing feeling in the back of my throat
The one that makes my eyes gloss up
The one that makes my chin and lips tremble
because deep down I want to tell you
Run to you
Run and hug you both
But I'm stuck
My feet nailed to the ground with titanium
Those nails digging into my nerves
want to move
But it's just like sleep paralysis
All

Over

Again

But

I know you wont hurt me anymore
I know, my biological father can't hurt me anymore
I know that Dad can't hurt me anymore
And I know both you and dad love me to Death
And
Frankly
I love you both
To death
I just wish I could bring it onto myself
To move

To speak