Enrolled in Epicness - A Baldur's Gate 3 Fanfic

1. A missing Person

"Tav, Tav! This simply won't do, darling." Astarion hurried through the camp, taking swift, impatient steps. "I asked for premium blood vials; this stuff tastes like utter shite. Surely..." Wyll was staring at him from his tent's entrance, next to that atrocious brazier.

"Is there a problem, buddy?"

The warlock gave him an annoying morning-person's smile. "I was just wondering what an outsider would think about a dandy vampire spawn and myself—a horned devil—camping together."

"More like a horny devil, am I right?"

"And I thought my puns were bad."

Astarion waved a dismissive hand and carried on. "She skimps on blood, yet wastes thousands of gold pieces on nonsense," he muttered to himself. "Rude djinns, pointless gambling, shapeshifting killer clowns, and drow-infested orgies—not including me in the latter, mind you, adding insult to injury!"

Karlach was stretching her muscular arms outside her tent, burning chest mirroring the early sun. He waved to the oversized Tiefling. "Staying hot, darling?"

Zariel's former slave frowned at him. "You are the absolute worst, you know?"

"Guilty as charged, darling. It's why people love me."

"More like why they want to punch you."

Astarion flashed a taunting grin, exposing his elongated fangs. "You know, darling, sometimes you need to chill out."

Karlach raised a fiery fist, and he increased his pace—doomed Tieflings didn't interest him anyway. Where was Tav?! That early in the morning, she usually engaged in same-sex nude swimming or spontaneous murdering of innocent bards. And no new corpses were lying splayed in a blood circle that everyone politely ignored.

"Oh, the lake, of course!" Astarion said, slapping his forehead. On the way to the camp's edge, he passed by Gale's tent. The wizard was reading from a purple tome covered in golden ornaments shaped like lidless eyes. "Oi, Waterdeep! I hope you're not planning on summoning any abyssal horrors."

Gale pinched his nose and sighed. "I'll remind you again, Astarion, that Waterdeep isn't my last name."

"Then what is it, darling? I mean, unless you've given it to Mystra."

The wizard slammed shut the tome; a ghostly wail emanated from within the ancient pages. "That was below the belt."

"My favorite region, Gale of Mystra." With a teasing bow, Astarion skipped away. Frankly, he had no right to judge last names, since as the years passed, he'd nearly forgotten his own. Was it... Ancunin? More like unimportant! 'Astarion' was more than a name—it was a brand, instantly recognizable and easily marketable. Adding anything to it would be superfluous.

"Going somewhere?" a powerful, masculine voice asked. He spun toward Halsin. The hunky druid was sitting on a mound beside the lakeside trail, gazing at the rising sun, looking dreamy as usual.

"Just searching for our fearless leader. Have you seen her, perhaps? Naked or otherwise."

"Do you mean recently or during the orgy?"

Direct, like a fist. Astarion's teeth clenched with furious jealousy. "Spare me your shared lewd adventures. I'll have you know I've seen plenty of men in the buff—some even hotter than you."

Halsin smiled with annoying confidence. "I thought you were interested in Tav."

"Me? Oh, no, darling. I'm an elf of refined tastes and high standards."