My Dearest Darling

Chapter 3

The next morning came soon and without either of them having got much sleep the night before. Once Robert had got up to go and get dressed in the room adjacent to their shared bedroom, she rang for Baxter to get dressed herself as well.

"Good morning, my Lady. I am sorry your breakfast is not yet ready; I was not expecting you to be awake for another half hour," her maid said upon entering the blue bedroom just a few short minutes after Cora had pulled on the cord next to her bed.

"That is quite alright, I do not want to have my breakfast in here today. I thought I would join the rest of my family downstairs, so just getting dressed would be enough for now," she said, smiling weakly in reply.

Baxter saw the dark circles under her eyes and the paleness of her complexion, but it was not her place to comment on it or recommend anything, no matter how good the relationship between her and her mistress was, and so she just went out and returned with Cora's clothes to dress her for the day.

She was the last one to join the family in the breakfast dining room. Everyone else was already silently going about their own little morning routines and rituals while eating together in silence. They all looked at her in surprise when she entered, and she couldn't blame them for their stunned faces. She rarely joined the family for breakfast, keeping with tradition to have hers on a tray in her bedroom each day. That had been one of the first things her mother-in-law had ever told her was appropriate, soon after her wedding with Robert.

"Good morning, I hope you do not mind my presence here this morning?" she asked sheepishly while Carson came closer with another chair to put to the table for her, promising to go and fetch her a plate and cutlery right that instant.

"Oh no, not at all!" — "Why should we, Mama?"

Both her daughters spoke at the same time, and she smiled gratefully at them. They were finally getting along without fighting constantly, and she loved to see it. They would all need to pull together soon, without her there to mediate and smooth over the rough seas. She had to do that for so many years when they were growing up and she had got tired of it years ago. It put her mind a bit more at ease, even if just marginally, to know that they would eventually be able to at least coexist peacefully.

Cora tried to have some breakfast but only managed to eat half a slice of toast and some scrambled egg, which earned her a concerned look from her sister-in-law, who had been eyeing her suspiciously all throughout the morning. Come to think of it, she had looked at her oddly ever since they returned from France. Maybe Edith had talked to her?

She took this as her sign to make the announcement she had so dreaded to make.

Heaving a deep breath, she broke the silence that had fallen over the house a few days ago and largely had not begun lifting just yet, apart from the odd uttered "Good morning" or "Good night" and other small pleasantries as people passed each other in the big house.

"There is a reason I decided to join you all for breakfast today."

Robert and Tom both lowered the newspapers they had been engrossed in and looked at her with very different expressions. Tom's was mainly curiosity, mixed with mild surprise at her sudden words. Robert's, on the other hand, was filled with dread – and also fear. He knew what she was about to say, and he was not at all prepared to hear the words spoken aloud again. He also was not prepared to see everyone's reactions, he was afraid of how their daughters would respond.

"I have an announcement to make, and it is a difficult one for me. So please, don't interrupt me, or else I might not be able to finish. I might not either way, but-"

She heaved another deep breath before continuing.

"I have been feeling unwell for the last couple of months, as some of you have noticed here and there. At first, I told myself it was nothing, that it would go away on its own. But my troubles stayed, and I went to the doctor when we got back from France to have some tests run. The results came back positive for what I had feared."

That was as far as she got before her voice broke, the tears she had been holding in leaking onto her cheeks. She had desperately wanted to keep her composure when telling the family, so that she would not add more disturbance to the news she was about to relay. But seeing Edith on the edge of her seat, like she had mentally been ever since their trip to France, and seeing Mary's face looking so openly scared for what she was about to say – it made her resolutions crumble.

Cora was more than thankful when Robert took her cold and shaky hand in his on top of the table, for everyone to see, and said out loud what she could no longer put into words of her own. He had never liked public displays of affection too much, not even in front of their family, but that fact made moments like this when he did all the more special.

He did not look at his daughters, or his sister, or son-in-law. He only had eyes for her. His thumb drew soft circles on the back of her hand, and he smiled at her with this profound sadness reflected in the depths of his blue eyes, a single tear rolling down his cheek. He gulped, trying to get rid of the lump that had formed in his throat, so that he could say the words he never wanted to have to say.

"The tests confirmed that Cora has cancer," was all he managed to say while keeping his composure, staying strong for her. He had to, because she had stayed strong for him and had battled it on her own for so long. He vowed himself to make sure that she never had to do that, ever again. Even if it meant speaking words he so desperately wanted to be untrue.

The silence following his statement was deafening, only disturbed by the clatter of cutlery falling out of someone's hand. Neither Cora nor Robert turned to look at whose cutlery it was, their eyes still staying fixed on each other, both exuding deep gratitude, but mostly sorrow.

"Oh, Mama, why didn't you say sooner? How long have you known?" asked Mary after a while, obviously shocked by what she just heard.

Cora tore her eyes away from Robert's and looked at her beautiful daughters who were sitting opposite her. Two of them, at least. Cora didn't dare to think of her darling Sybil and how she would have reacted, she would break down at once if she did.

"There was so much else going on, I just could not tell you sooner. But Doctor Clarkson is coming here later today, and I thought you ought to know before then," Cora said, letting go of Robert's hand to reach both of her hands out across the table for her little girls to take.

No matter how grown-up they were, they would always stay her little girls, her darling daughters. They each squeezed her hands in reassurance, but both started crying as they looked at their mother.

For the first time, Cora did not feel the need to put on a strong face in front of everyone, to smile through it all, and her face seemed to change with that concession she gave herself. Then, everyone could see the wrinkles that had formed on her face much more rapidly than they ever had, could see how sunken her face seemed, and how pale her complexion had become. They had not taken notice before, but it was painstakingly obvious.

Robert stared at her. He had managed to say the most difficult words he ever had to say, but there was something else in her eyes. Something that told him that she wanted to say more than that. But what could it possibly be? She had told him that the doctor would come to discuss treatment later in the morning, what else could there be left to say? She had not seen Clarkson since then, so it had nothing to do with him.

Robert was pulled out of his own thoughts when the butler cleared his throat to make his presence in the dining room behind them known again.

"Excuse me, my Lord. Doctor Clarkson has just arrived and said that you were expecting him?"

Robert could only stare at him with a blank expression on his face, feeling overwhelmed by everything that seemed to be happening around them. It was all happening so frightfully fast and he had no idea how to keep up with it. He felt as if the whole world kept turning, accelerating its spinning motion, and he was bound to stay put in his place, not able to move with it, watching everything around him change and spin. He had never before in his life felt so powerless and lost.

It was Cora who finally acknowledged the Butler and replied: "Thank you, Carson. Can you please show him to the library and ask if he wants some tea while he waits? His lordship and I will join him there in a minute."