My Dearest Darling

Chapter 5

"Robert."

The doctor had barely left the library when Robert had stood up and walked to the fireplace. He had turned his back to her while staring into the slowly dying fire, hoping it would calm him down. And he desperately needed to calm down. All of a sudden, he had felt this burning rage inside him, it was bubbling precariously under the surface and threatening to boil over. It just wouldn't do to lash out at her in anger, he knew that, least of all now. But what else was he to do?

He stood there, steadying his body by leaning on the mantelpiece with his left arm, taking deep breaths as his blue eyes bore into the small flames lapping at the logs of wood in the hearth. His mind was in uproar, the coherent thoughts he might have had just seemed to blur together, all ending up in this great, overpowering sense of anger and hurt.

"Robert?" she repeated pleadingly, leaning forward on the settee she was occupying. She wanted to reach out her hand to him, to take his hand in hers, but he was too far away – both physically and mentally at that moment.

Still, despite her pleading, there was no reaction from him. He was entirely unmoving, and all she heard was the crackling of the fire and the deep breaths he took. She was aware that he was trying to calm himself down, she knew that this was just what he needed and what worked best for him. But she did not know that he was trying to reign in his anger. She assumed he was upset, maybe trying not to cry again as he had tried at the breakfast table. And a small part of him was. For the most part, though, he was angry and he couldn't help it.

"Robert, please talk to me," she tried reaching him again.

Why could she not leave him be, just for a few seconds? He was trying his very best and she was getting in the way, could she not see that?

"Darling, talk to m-"

"Talk to you? Now you want me to talk to you? What do you want me to talk about? Do you want me to talk about the decision you made about throwing your last chance at life away? The decision you did not feel necessary to share with me first, before telling the doctor – not to mention even discuss with me?"

He was trying his utmost to stay calm, to keep the anger from his voice. His hand gripped harder at the mantelpiece, his right hand clenched into a tight fist already, but he knew that he was failing. His knuckles had already turned white from the sheer force with which he held on to the cold stone, his fingers starting to ache from the pressure but he did not release his hold, not yet.

"Robert, that is not what I-"

"Is that not something you want to discuss?" he asked, barely able to conceal his emotions any longer. Forcefully and abruptly, he spun around on his heel and looked at his wife, his eyes staring quite coldly into hers. She had rarely seen him look at her with this expression and it surprised her immensely. "What a shame, because it is what I want to talk about. I want to talk about how you manage to sit there and listen to the treatment plan Doctor Clarkson and several other doctors have drawn up for you to help you, to save you. I want to talk about how you, with a smile on your face, outright told him that all of their efforts were for nought. How can you smile when you are essentially deciding that your life is over, that you do not want to fight – even though there is still a chance?"

His voice grew louder and louder with every word he said. He realised that slowly, but surely he lost control of his temper as it started to get the better of him, to gain the upper hand in his conscious mind, but he couldn't stop. The boulder had started rolling down the hill and there was no way of stopping it now.

The louder he got, the more Cora's eyes started to dart around the library, wanting him to calm down or at least lower his voice, even just slightly. She was afraid of how much of what they said could be heard outside the library. She did not necessarily want to have her health concerns to be the topic of discussion during lunch in the servants' hall downstairs. That was one of the first lessons her late mother-in-law had instilled in her – to never let oneself be the source of gossip for the servants – and she found that to be a valuable lesson. They all knew enough about them as a family as it was.