CONSUME . yoichi isagi

一

"And Lana Itoshi makes the winning goal in the last three seconds of the game, sending Hayashi International Girls School into the semi finals!!"

Screams and cheers resonated throughout the stadium the minute the ball entered the goal, my name being chanted over and over. I glanced around the field, watching as the other team cried and yelled out of anger, resentment and most importantly sadness. Tears of agony streamed down their cheeks as they begged to nothingness for things to change around.

I caused this, I won, yet it felt like the opposite.

"Woah, Lana-chan! That goal was amazing!" A feminine voice that belonged to my teammate Sakura exclaimed, swinging her arms around my shoulder.

"Yeah, where did you learn to dribble like that? You could be the female Pele!"

"Heh, thanks guys," I said, forcing a smile. All of my teammates continued to give me endless praise for how I saved their dreams, how I was their savior. Anyone would be proud to have done what I just did, to receive this endless praise. Yet, I felt nothing, not an ounce of emotion being ignited by goal. I dont understand what's wrong with me. This was a fruit of my labour and talent and yet...

It's as though my heart decided to disable the part of it responsible for emotions without giving me any prior notice.

Drowning out the noise surrounding me, I quietly slipped out the swarm of people that were now discussing plans to celebrate our victory. I should be there considering the fact that I was the one that pioneered this success however I just couldn't bring myself to indulge in happiness at this current point in time.

I walked off the field, the back of my cleats clicking against the concrete base surrounding the field of artificial grass. Journalists must be begging to interview me right now but my tolerance for human interaction is in the negatives right now.

I discarded if the hair tie that was previously keeping my hair out of my face, allowing it to flow past my shoulders and in front of my face, ruffling it as a poor attempt at making it appear presentable. I pushed away a few stray strands as my thoughts went back to the game.

No noticed how shitty I played, did they? Are they all just idiots or am I overthinking it? No, it was obvious how many times I screwed up. Call them minor mistakes, call it whatever you'd like but the fact remains that simple plays screw me over. No goal or achievement would be enough redemption for my stupidity.

I just have to accept that.

My numbness was immediately replaced by frustration. I'm so fucked.

Walking into the locker room, my hands maneuvered through my body, stripping off the sweaty clothing till I remained in almost nothing. Disgust crawled through my body and I was immediately thankful that no full body mirrors were present. As I slipped on my clothes, my heart hammered in my chest as the sudden realization that my father was watching the game hit me like a stack of bricks.

I tried so hard, he won't even look at me anymore. That I'm sure of.

I dont expect it but my agony is so apparent it has me shaking. How can it not? I inhale sharply and slam the door of my locker, crouching in front of it as I buried my head into my hands. "Stupid, stupid, you're so stupid," I whispered under my breath as my hands gripped at my hair so hard that it was certain to rip off if I pulled any harder. It stung, but nothing stung as much as this insatiable torment.

I have no one to blame but myself. Why cant I be good at the one thing I have a chance at? Tears well up in my eyes but I dont allow them to escape. I dont deserve to cry over something so meaningless. My nails clawed deeper into my scalp as my breathing grew uneven. I dont understand, I did my best, I trained everyday, ate healthy, watched all those videos and yet I still failed. Am I truly that useless and incompetent?

Rin has no problems, he's so effortlessly perfect at this, why cant I be more like him? I truly am unworthy of existence. For as long as I can remember I've never once been worth of even a slither of my father's attention, when I joined this team, I stupidly thought this would give him an opportunity to acknowledge me.

Suddenly I felt something vibrate in my pocket. Shit. I got my phone and saw my dads contact and felt my hands begin to shake again. Ignoring it would only worsen my case. "Hello?"

"Lana, I am deeply disappointed in you."

Straight to the point.

"Father, I'm sorry-"

"Did I allow you to speak?"

"....No."

"You really shock me, you know that? I mean what were you thinking! It's just by mere luck that you managed to fix your mistake at the last minute. Passing to someone? Sae and Rin would never have done this." Tears pulled my eyes once more, stinging them as I chewed my lip to control myself. There he goes with the constant comparison, my daily reminder of just how useless I am.

"Are you even my daughter? If you didn't have the same eyes as your brothers I'd seriously doubt it."

Those words felt like alcohol on an open wound.

"Father-"

"I want you home by 5pm." And with that, the call ended.

"Fuck."

🎐˳ ׁ ⬦ ⬦ ۪ ׄ 💿 ׅ ֹ ៸៸ 𖠗 ࣭ ʾʾ 🍚ׂ࣭ ⬞

NOTES!
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