Prose, poems and deep conversations with myself.

The Start of the End

I was watching Peter Monn's vlog and he said something I can super relate to. Don't get me wrong, he said things I can relate to in his vlogs. He said he and his husband give each other their own space in doing whatever they wanted to do like going out with their friends. They don't have to be tied on the hip all the time. On my last relationship, I did feel smothered. I had to either always be with him or I have to constantly give updates where I am. But I know when I tell him where I am, he'll show up and there goes my "me time".

I felt like I lost my sense of individuality and my own interests. My own person. Back then, I can't just do what I want to rediscover myself.

Believe it or not, I was not even allowed to think. To give my thoughts some flow. Think about the things I wanted to do. Or even think of nothing at all. Or have my own friends that are not his. Despite all that, I gave our relationship a chance but ended up him thinking I was cheating. If cheating means giving myself a time to think, to be with myself, and rediscover myself? Yeah, then maybe I did. And yes, it was smothering me.

We should be allowed to keep our individuality even if we are with someone. We are not things to possess, to control. Because if you do that to someone, it causes rebellion. Truly.

I know we love our parents. They're our parents after all. But we should have our own passion and we are our own person. Not because your parents wanted you to become a teacher or a doctor. I wanted to be a writer or a lawyer ever since I was a kid. I do that for work now, one of those at least. Therefore, I can say I have been rebelling if someone wants me to do something I don't want to do. We are not in the 1500s where you invade a country just because you like the place, the people or the culture. You like the person and their personality --- which you were drawn to in the first place --- so let them be their own person. Not destroy their spirit and mold them into what you want them to be.

I think I was not treated as an equal. In the first place, I was born to weave my own destiny, and not just follow orders. I won't just sit still just because you said so. Give me a room to breathe. It has been like that since the beginning. And then, that was the start of the end.