"I wish life had a rewind button.."
Nakakunot noo na tiningnan ni Father Simon si Sister Carline papunta sa gawi niya.
"Father Simon, buti at nakita ko kayo. May pinabibigay pala sa inyo si Sister Adeline." Sabi ng madre na may kinuha mula sa bulsa ng suot niyang nun dress.
"Pinabibigay?" Tanong niya pa dito matapos abutin ang kulay puting papel na binigay nito sa kanya. Hee rested the whole day and he just woke up actually this afternoon. Alas kuwatro na siya nagising at lumabas nga ng kuwarto niya para sana bumili ng kape, he felt drain actually not only today but these past few days, kinausap na naman siya ng diocese kahapon at para bang mas lalo lang pinaramdam nito ang tungkol sa nagawa niyang kasalanan. O dahil alam niyang magiging isang kahihiyan ito sa buong simbahan hindi lang dito sa Paradis kung hindi pati na sa iba pa.
But mistake is a mistake, and a sin will be always a sin. Kahit isipin pa niya na maging tama ang lahat ay hindi na mangyayari 'yon dahil huli na. Kaninang umaga nga ay maaga pa din siyang nagising gaya ng nakagawian niya, he woke up early and went to the church to pray. He tried to recalled all of his sacrifices just to be a priest, kung ilang taon siya nag-aral para dito at kung anu-ano pa ang pinag-daanan niya para maging isang ganap na pari.
"Opo, sige po Father mauna na ako." Magalang na sagot ni Sister Carline.
"Teka, nasaan ba siya?" Tanong pa ng pari.
"Naglakad-lakad po sa labas, baka pumunta na naman siya sa may burol, 'yong sa may bangin po kung saan kita 'yong dagat."
Father Simon shook his head. "Gano'n ba? Sige Salamat."
From Sister Adeline, 'yon agad ang nabasa niyang nakasulat sa labas ng naka-tuping papel. At parang nakaramdam siya agad ng kaba matapos mabasa ang pangalan nito na nakasulat doon. Oo nga pala, hindi pa sila ulit nagkakausap na dalawa hanggang ngayon at baka mamayang gabi ay puntahan niya pala ito para makausap ng sarilinan. He still don't know what her plan, but he's sure already that Sister Adeline will leave the Paradis and will go back to America. Muli siyang pumasok sa loob ng kuwarto at naupo sa kama para basahin ang sulat.
Para minha Querido Padre Simon,
Como vai? It's been a hardest month of this year for me or I should say for us? Hindi naman ito ang gusto kong salubong sa taon na ito sa akin. But it happened, and you know what actually I'm telling about. I don't feel anymore secure inside of the monastery or even inside of the church because of the guilt I feel inside my heart. I made a mistakes and now I'm living with the consequences. I regret it, I really do and I'm sorry for telling about this to you. But maybe I should kept focusing myself to God instead of thinking about sexual thoughts, nagawa ko naman 'yon sa loob ng isang taon at siguro magagawa ko pa din 'yon sa pangalawang pagkakataon.
I don't know if that's was a urge of having sex with someone or the curiosity of having sex itself. But I should thank you now for making me a real woman, you're not maybe the first man I had almost sex with but you knew that you are the only man I gave my innocence. At siguro nga masasabi na nagpadalos-dalos hindi lang ako kung hindi ikaw sa mga ginawa natin pero 'yon ang isa kong hindi pagsisisihan. I don't regret gaving myself to you Father Simon or those sneaky time I've been with you. But I do regret for forgetting my vows, I do regret that I forgot I am a nun and I serving the God. Nakalimutan ko na naglilingkod nga pala ako hindi lang sa simbahan at kung hindi lalong-lalo na sa Diyos.
Keeping faith and a good conscience for I am conscious of nothing against myself, yet I am not by this acquitted. I sin, and I will be a sinner again and again. And even if I leave the church and the monastery I know to myself that I will sin more. I broke my vows to chastity but sex is a strong urge for a nun like me as well at hindi ko napag-tagumpayan ang tungkol doon. I don't know if I am figthing demons or if I am the demon, I'm to calm to be an angel and I am to wild to be a devil. The desire, lust and sin is on me and that's what I called my paradise for these past few years. I'm not afraid confessing of my sin because I enjoyed it. But my conscience and guilt I feel inside is slowly killing me.
But you have made my world more perfect, pinaramdam mo sa akin kung ano ba ang pakiramdam na pagkakaroon ng seksuwal na relasyon at kung gaano kasarap ang salitang bawal. And I know you and I will meet again, when we're least expecting it. One day in some far off place, I will recognize you and maybe that time I won't say goodbye anymore to you. I cannot deny the fact that I shared some of the most wonderful moments of my life with you Father Simon, that I met a man inside of the church like you as we hit it off to each other so good. Even sometimes there's a time I was hoping that things would work out between us. Pero hindi nga pala puwede dahil pareho tayong may obligasyon, na sa huli ay hindi kailanman puwedeng magsama ang isang pari at isang madre na katulad natin. I've been struggling with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy for the past few days, I like you not because of sex but I like you for being you. Or should I confess now to you that I love you? That I'm thinking while writing this letter for you if there will be a wonderful lovely life ahead for us? O kung magkikita pa ba tayo bago ka umalis o bago ako umalis dito sa monasteryo?
I want you to remember me for being Adeline and not for being a nun who committed a sin. And if you feel lost just think you have me Father Simon and don't feel exhausted for trying to be a strong and better person. Live today for tomorrow we die, the day will come you will no longer be on my side but I know one day we will see each other again. And if that's happen I will surely say how much you mean to me, the world will never keep us safe for now. God saw me I'm tired of everything and I want to be free for all the pain I feel right now. Life is full of sudden goodbye and maybe our chapter end here. Until we meet again Padre Simon, eu te amo, eu te amo muito.."
Sister Adeline,
Itinupi ni Father Simon ang sulat na binasa niya, he don't know but he started to cry after reading her letter. Siguro isa sila sa mga pinag-tagpo pero hindi naman pala para sa isa't-isa. Pero hindi siya papayag na gano'n na lang lamang ang lahat o hindi makausap si Sister Adeline. He wiped his tears and went out from his room. Kakausapin niya ngayon ang madre at wala na siyang pakealam pa kung may makaalam o makakita pa sa kanila na magkasama.
#maribelatentastories
