“It was so hard, you know, to keep everything separate, especially after getting my memories back. When Minho and Jisung showed up in the park, it was like a punch in the gut. Everything came crashing down, and I fell back into my old responsibilities. Meeting you felt like a dream, and remembering who I was felt like waking up into a nightmare. I wanted to tell you everything.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No,” Hyunjin agreed. “I didn’t.”
“Why?” It wasn’t an accusation, but it was close, spoken in a soft and broken voice, like all Felix could think of was the worst.
“I didn’t want my two worlds colliding. It was selfish, but when I was with you, everything was alright.”
The younger’s shoulders were shaking silently, and Hyunjin pulled him closer, letting Felix curl into him, tears soaking his shirt.
“So I got arrested. It was the most miserable two months of my life. Minho said you visited me. I didn’t know; I didn’t know anything. It was 2 months of no contact with the outside world, until one day… there was Minho. And he took me here with the promise I would follow the plan. The original one. The one we agreed on five years ago.”
“You faked amnesia.”
“I had to get a job in the City.”
“You didn’t—” Felix cuts himself off, but Hyunjin can hear the unspoken words. You didn’t tell me.
“I’m sorry.”
Felix didn’t answer.
There was still so much left unspoken.
Eventually, the quiet clatter of plates filled the awkward silence between them, and then running water as the younger started doing the dishes, back to Hyunjin, as if he didn’t know that Felix was still crying.
It was in this awkward limbo — the two men skirting around each other like water and oil — that the phone finally rang.
“Who is it.” Hyunjin answered tonelessly, grabbing a towel to start drying the bowls.
“It didn’t go well, I take it.” Minho’s voice was as dry as his own. “Are you two on speaking terms, at least? Can you drive him to work?”
“Shit. Work.” Hyunjin cursed, nearly dropping the bowl. “Yeah, we’ll be there in a few.”
“Take your time. Everyone’s coming in late anyway; there’s been an accident on the main road.”
Minho doesn’t wait for an answer, hanging up immediately, leaving Hyunjin with the echoing dial tone.
“Bokk-ah?”
Felix flinches.
Hyunjin sighs, running a hand through his hair. This is going to be tortuous for the both of them.
“You can borrow Jisung’s clothes; you two are the same height.” The words feel awkward to say as they stand in the hallway, Felix with his head ducked down and dried tears on his cheeks, and Hyunjin with his clumsy hands that feel so awkward hanging by his sides.
A lock of blond hair falls into Felix’s face, and instinctively, Hyunjin reaches to tuck it behind his ear. Then, remembering himself, he freezes, hand hanging mid-air.
There’s an awkward silence between them, as the younger glances up and their eyes meet, stealing Hyunjin’s breath away. It seems like in less than 24 hours, everything has changed and yet nothing was different.
His hand drops, and he clears his throat awkwardly.
“Hyung.” The call comes quietly, but Hyunjin’s been holding his breath for what felt like the last hour. It sends shocks down his spines and he nearly trips over something in his haste to answer, heading in the direction of Jisung’s room.
“Yeah?”
“Can you help me zip this up, please?”
The words are familiar. Eunji’s said them many times, standing with her back to him in their bedroom. And yet, with Felix, it was all different.
Felix looks small, alone in the empty bedroom, looking up at Hyunjin with his sharp eyes. “I can’t reach, sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” Before his brain can catch up, Hyunjin’s already walking over, coming to stand behind Felix, finding the small golden zipper in the back of the black sweater.
It’s one of Jisung’s, abandoned and forgotten in the back of the closet because it doesn’t show enough skin for his job. The thick material is for fitting, hugging the gentle dip of Felix’s waist, his sloping shoulders, ending just under his hips.
It’s meant to be modest — a top Jisung once found in the female section of a brand store. Pretty, and simple, zipped all the way up from the back, but all Hyunjin can think of is unzipping it after the younger gets home, kissing the smooth skin as it comes into view. It’s only clothing, but when it comes to Felix, it’s never only something.
“Hyung?” The younger’s breathless voice startles him out of his thoughts. He hadn’t realized he started drawing small revering circles along Felix’s waist, raising goosebumps in his wake.
“Sorry.” His voice comes out hushed, embarrassed. He moves to step back, to put some space between them and just pull the damn zipper up — to leave the room and scold himself in the privacy of his small bathroom, but…
Before he can move, Felix leans back into him, his warm body against his. There’s a quiet sigh, and Hyunjin’s sure the younger has closed his eyes.
“This feels familiar.” Felix says quietly, not accusing but questioning, like he’s guessed the truth but needs a confirmation.
“Deja vu.” Hyunjin says instead, like an idiot. His hands have moved to slip under the top, winding around Felix’s waist, holding him close. Felix’s soft hair tickles his face, smelling of Hyunjin’s shampoo.
“Mm?”
“The feeling that something has happened before. Deja vu.”
Felix is quiet for a moment. “Deja vu.” he repeats, so softly Hyunjin almost misses it. “Did it?”
“Did it what, Bokk-ah?”
“Happen before.”
He knows. The realization hits Hyunjin like a punch to the gut, and he sucks in a sharp breath, this time moving back without a thought.
Felix lets him step back, again and again until his back hits the wall.
“It did, didn’t it.”
“Felix—”
“You said you loved me. That was real.”
He can’t breathe.
semi-hiatus but im back. sorry
YOU ARE READING
city of stars
Fanfiction~hyunlix~ There's something almost hypnotic about his voice - it's so deep, dark- but at the same time, there's a softness to it, almost a gentle caress to the words. There's nothing rough about the way he sings, rather, it's soft and reassuring - r...
