Death Becomes Us (Dazai x Reader)

Chapter Seven

A/N sorry if you guys feel I am rushing through all this stuff, the main point of the story is not the before but the after.

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They had been dating for about three months by now. The news had surprised no one in the Agency. Dazai had struggled at first, falling into the patterns of trust. Y/n, just by being who she was, made it easier. She seemed to make everything easier for him in some strange way. Even just knowing they were in the same building had some sort of calming effect on his heart.

He had never pictured himself having a life like this, as someone worthy of a life like this. Ten months since he had left the Mafia, nine since he had joined the Agency, three with Y/n. Full of friends he didn't think existed outside the pages of books, full of solving mundane crimes. Full of stolen kisses in hallways and light.

Y/n was like a drug to him, something he was addicted to. At the same time, he was terrified of her. It didn't matter that she had told him she was okay with him destroying her, he had warned her because he didn't want to destroy her. She was sunlight made human, she was in danger because of him. He didn't want to even think what could happen if the Port Mafia found out he was alive, found out about her. 

"What's the matter with you?"

Her question hung in the air as Dazai fixed his eyes on his plate of pasta. Y/n had invited him to her place after work and had made them dinner. Some fancy dish she had told him she had learned to make while studying abroad for a summer in high school.

"I'm sorry, you don't have to answer." she sighed after a minute, putting fork to plate and beginning to craft a bite of the meal for herself, "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

Her wings curled around her shoulders protectively as she spoke, something Dazai had noticed Y/n did when she began to feel uncertain or uncomfortable in a situation. With a sigh he set his own fork down and finally looked up at her.

"Hey," He said softly, reaching across the table and gently lifting her face so her eyes met his own, "no sorries. I guess it's just, well, I should probably tell you about a few things."

I let my hand fall back to the table and she tilted her head to the side in obvious confusion.

"What's going on?" she asked, "Is everything okay, Osamu?"

"I need to tell you about my old job." Dazai took a deep breath, readying himself for what he was about to say.

He had no idea how Y/n would react to his old life but, they had gotten to a point in their relationship where she couldn't not know. It wasn't only unfair to her if he kept it a secret any longer, but could put her directly in harms way.

"Y/n, before I joined the agency I was an executive in the Port Mafia."

"Okay." she shrugged after a moment of silence, as if she had expected him to say something more, "So?"

"Doesn't that, I don't know, scare you?" asked Dazai, confused, "I've done horrible things, doesn't that disgust you?"

"Osamu," she sighed, getting up from her seat and walking over to where he sat, kneeling down beside his chair, "You left, didn't you?"

Dazai nodded.

"Why did you leave?" she asked, taking one of his hands in her own, examining it carefully.

Dazai felt like she was looking for blood.

"One of my only friends died in my arms, the one I told you about. The one that our other friend killed. He...." Dazai searched for the right words, "he knew I could do better. I... I don't want to let him down. He's the one I promised to be on the side that saves people."

"So you've changed. You're not that person anymore?" It was halfway between a statement and a question, her eyes still on his hand as she turned it over, playing her fingers across his palm.

"I'm trying to be better. You make me... want to be better." he admitted as though it was something to be ashamed of.

She stopped playing with his hand and looked up. Her calculating gaze met his remorseful one.

"But you're also trying to be better for your friend and for yourself, right?"

"Always."

"What was his name?" she asked after a moments thought.

"Oda."

"So if something happens to me or to us you wont go all... evil again? Because of yourself? Because of Oda?"

"Yes but thats the thing, I havent just done horrible things I am bringing you into danger! When they find out about you-"

"If they find out about me, we'll figure it out from there." Y/n said softly, standing up and giving Dazai a soft peck on the lips, "I don't care about who you were or the things you did, I only care about who you are now and the things you do now, okay?"

"Okay."

"From now on, you and I are a team. I've got your back and you've got mine, right?"

"Right." he said, placing his hand in her outstretched one, "Right."

"Oasmu," she sighed, examining his hand gently once again, "you could tell me ever single detail of every horrible thing you'd ever done and I honestly think I'd still love you anyway."

"You love me?"

Y/n nodded, refusing to meet his gaze.

"I... I think I love you too. I don't want to, but I do."

"You don't want to?" she scoffed, dropping his hand and placing her hands on her hips.

He had upset her.

"I didn't mean it like that just that... I don't deserve you, Y/n. You're so good, you're so good and I-"

"I am not good and you are not bad. We're both just people, Dazai. Don't put me on a pedestal. Are you done with that?"

Dazai nodded and Y/n picked the plates up from the table, heading towards the kitchen.

"Stop being so sorry for yourself all the time!" she called over her shoulder as she entered the kitchen door, "Learn to live in the moment and be grateful for what you have while you have it. If you spend all your time worrying, that's what will end up hurting me or with us not working out okay?"

"Okay." Dazai softly nodded, getting to his feet and following her in order to help clean up.

"We're both worthy of each other." she hummed, taking the glasses he carried from his hands and putting them into the sink, "I chose you and continue to do so every day, don't forget that."

Dazai grabbed Y/n's shoulder, turning her towards him and planting a soft kiss on her forehead before leaning his own against hers.

"I love you." he whispered, the words slightly less foreign on his tongue then the first time.

Y/n smiled.

"I hope you don't ever stop."

Rewritten: December 12th 2023

Edited: January 27th 2024