From the Other Side of My Bed

23. Dear Greek God

"What's up, baby?"
"Hey."
"What's wrong? Look at that pretty face. All sad and all. What happened?" I didn't want to tell her shit, so I shrugged and let her in.
She walks in and looks around in awe at the backyard lights above her, touching with her fingers each one and finds herself distracted by the sudden noise of the hamsters playing on their wheels.
She says, "How many of those rats you got?"
"They're not rats."
She smirks. "Sorry, fancy rats."
"Whatever."
"I hear one of them died on you the other day. Must have been hard."
I don't know, hearing someone saying it was hard losing Chunky Chunks made me breathe a bit more than before. It was validating. "It was."
"He's not in pain anymore. Life can be different for them than it is for us."
"I hope he had a nice life. I tried giving him the best."
"And you did, I'm sure of that."
"At least he isn't in pain anymore, like you said."
"But in the other hand, you are."
I shrug. "Not when I have this." And I show her my wax pen, leading it to my mouth and taking a long drag out of it.
"I thought you quit."
"Well, the world is coming to an end, and I haven't finish living so."
"I don't think that's a way of living."
I wanted to tell her "Oh, but your way of living is?" But I just stayed quiet. She does too at the same time, probably thinking the same. But she offers me a smile and I soften.
We walk toward the balcony after she says she's gonna smoke a cigarette, so we sit down and contemplate the beauty of the day. A few of my neighbors walk by and say hi but I avoid looking at them. I know.
Very antisocial of me but fuck dude my last drop of friendliness is being dropped on Maud.
I didn't want to see anyone today but she's here.
"How's your stepmother?"
I shrug. "Fuck knows. She hasn't talked to me fully. She's mourning."
"Death is a funny business." I look at her, but she's lost in thought.
"I don't see how funny it is. It's painful."
"Well, you die, and the rest of the world is the one feeling your death but you. It's fucking sick. And unfair and funny all the same."
"I guess you're right."
"I'm always right, baby." I get lost in thought too, because it's different to see Maud like this, being serious and dropping some philosophical quotes around like this. I never really saw her as human, I guess. I always saw her strong and unfeeling, not because she's cold. She's actually the warmest person I know besides Jerome and Socorro. She just always puts a wall between us in some topics.
"Why don't you go see her?"
"I lost the flight and tickets became expensive now."
"Damn, fuck that."
"I know."

Silence.

"Do you think what I do with men is wrong?" She turns to face me with the biggest smile ever. "Baby, I should be the one asking you that. Come on,"
"Nah, for real, Maud. I'm serious."
She looks at me surprised, but then her smile softens, and she clears her throat.
Readying herself for another drop of wisdom.
"I think you are looking for something to fulfill you. Like a love that never leaves you empty. But you know I cannot sit next to you and say that you need to change. I actually support any endeavor you do. Just be safe. Explore, enjoy, and never fall in love. It's better to be loved than love."
"Why is it better?"
She blows out the smoke from her cigarette and says, "They don't leave you. Ever."
I can't help but wonder if she's ever loved someone. Because she sounds like someone who has loved and regretted it. I never regretted loving, but I guess it was an inner me who was deeply afraid of loving. I was never afraid of losing at that game, but I was afraid of heart break. Of endless nights crying. Wishing to disappear.
Grief is too big, and I, too small.
"I don't know. Just dates and fooling around is becoming too little for me. Waking up to random men in my bed and watching them go is getting tiring."
"It gets lonely, doesn't it?"
I watch her for a while, which she does not turn to face me, just smokes pleasantly as the wind blows by and the day is turning into night. I ask her if she wants to sleep over. And she says, kindly ashamed, no because she needs a shower.
I laugh and tell her to shower here, and I don't wait and tell her to kill her cigarette, grab her hand and take her inside where I start making a sweet bath for her.
I always keep stuff like that around. Like Empson salts and bubbles, sometimes dried rose and parfumes. When I'm done and call her name and she walk in, she looks overwhelmed, almost emotional.
And I never understood why.
She just turns around, without saying anything, and hugs me tightly.
Maybe after all, we need to be kind.

-
I feel so heartbroken, like I have a burning hole in the middle of me which screams. "I'm lonely! I'm lonely!"
I just stared at the window for a long time before deciding to get up. Every morning gets harder and harder to feel better. It's my mood. I don't get how I became like this. And worst is when I sit up and scratch my legs, I start noticing big, bluish bruises on them. I frown at this.
Where did I get these?
We didn't do anything with Maud last night, just had dinner and talked until we were sleepy. Maybe I hurt myself?
But I've been asleep.
But these bruises are so large!
I touch them but they don't hurt.
That's weird.

I hear knocking on my door and then my phone goes off at the same time.
I jump off bed and when I look through the window shutters, I see Ares.
Ah, fuck!
I forgot that I had a date with him today.
But it's morni- no, it's not.
I checked my phone, and it was 4:30pm.
"Hey!" I say once I open the door.
"Hey pretty girl."
"How are you?" I say overly excited, but I cannot fool anyone.
"You forgot."
"I know, I'm sorry but come on in, I won't take long!"
He walks in the apartment and sees Maud with her mouth open, snoring as she sleeps on the sofa, and he smiles as he takes a look around my place. "You do live in a dream."
"Do I?" I say not much paying attention at him as I walk straight to the closet.
"Who's this anyways?"
"The cause of me being late for our date. That's Maud."
"This is Maud? I couldn't recognize her without her outfits."
"Ha-ha!" I don't pay much attention and go pick myself a black dress, socks and my black boots.
"Let me change and we're out of her."
"Take your time."
But I don't.
I throw on the dress, put on my socks and boots and smoot over my hair with leave in conditioner to make it less frizzy and I brush my teeth. I throw some water on my face and dry it fast while grabbing my lip balm and rushing out the door.
My dear Greek God waits for me in the living room, standing there so effortlessly so handsome. With a white ill-fitting shirt, dress pants and moccasins on. His Rolex flashes me when the light hits it and he's in a men's bun with flyways being on his face. When he looks up, he looks stunned.
Maybe I overdressed. "Ready?" I asked him.
"Ready."

We climb down the stairs, but he gets down before me and when I'm at the last step, he grabs me by the waist, pulls me toward him and twirls me in the air as I giggle and wrapped my arms around him. Smiling, I made eye contact with him for the first time. Sober, less agitated, more alive and looking at him this way makes me want to kiss-
"Careful, lovebirds," says Maud from the top of the balcony.
I waved goodbye to her, and we adventured through the day.

-
Lights, tequila, smiles all around.
The sweet smell of al pastor tacos dancing above you, nothing seems more perfect than right now. Ares has taken me to C     ocina Madrigal, a colorful and cheery restaurant located below Phoenix Airport, a fine option despite my lack of appetite today. I feel my mood hasn't improved and I'm keeping it at bay for now, but I don't know how long I will pretend to be peachy when I'm a whole irritable storm.
"How do you like the place?"
I'm lost with the pretty lights in the patio we're sitting at that he must ask me twice this and I abruptly shake my head and say I love it.
"You look beautiful in the lights." That captured my attention, of course. "Thank you. I could say the same about your eyes." His hand goes directly to his eyes, and he rubs them, smiling. "They're not that bad."
"They're perfect."
"You're sweet, you know that right?"
Wanna taste how sweet I am?
I blush and look away smiling at this thought. "Are you flirting with me?"
"A bit. But I must do it better now than before."
"Why is that?"
"Because I finally have you all to myself." he says, planting his elbows on the table. "No distractions, no weird lights, no more escaping me but facing me now."
"You sound determined to know me so here I am. All yours."
"I like the sound of that."
Before I can do anything, the waiter comes and asks for our order. He orders bourbon and I, a Moscow mule with extra lemon and salt on the side. It doesn't take long before he brings back our order, Ares asks for an appetizer to start first, and the waiter leaves us the menus.
"You like sour things?" he says, looking at me picking salt with my finger and licking it. While sucking the salt from my finger, I make eye contact with him and he eats it all up, I can see slightly how his lower lip is being bitten and I love this.
"I can like sweets too."
"Such as?"
"You, for example."
"I try to be. For you."
I laugh and take a sip of the Moscow mule, instantly I feel some warm dance inside me, and it feels good, I hope this helps with my mood. "How sweet can you be?"
"So sweet you would get cavities from me,"
"Ew, what the fuck. You're gross!" I laugh and he laughs as well. "But in order to get cavities, I would have to eat you up. Are you up for that?"
"Eat. Me. Any. Time." And he looks serious about it, so I say, "Like right now? In front of this people and all?" I whisper, leaning forward.
"I mean if you are down, I'm quite down."
"Oh my god." And I shake my head. "We need to stop flirting or else- "
"Else what?" he tilts his head to the side and grins. "Scared, aren't you, Angel?"
"Anyways..." I say and I take another sip of my drink. "Let me think, let me think. Mm. How about you tell me what you wanted to be when you were little."
"A therapist." He says at the same time he takes a drink.
The waiter comes back and drops of calamari with potatoes on the side for the table, but neither of us touches it. We were already vibing, so it was hard to focus on what was around us. And I like that feeling. That feeling that you talk and talk with this amazing person and the world disappears and it's just you guys and even you forget what you're talking about because you're just lost in their eyes and the sound of their voice and ugh ...
"So, a therapist, huh?"
"Yeah, that was the dream, as wistful as all dreams are."
"What? You never became one?"
"No, I didn't exactly. I instead do real state."
"Ey, money is money, so I don't blame you, I also had dreams like that... trust me."
"Yeah, but real state isn't all I do. I also do sponsorships."
He says this as I'm drinking from my cup, and I almost spill it all.
I cleaned my mouth and I stared at him. "Sponsorships? Like you help junkies?"
"Yes," he says this slowly, as he is scared, I, on the other hand, feel stupid, threatened. It's such a joke. This whole date was just a joke then. "Well, that's just great."
"Huh?"                                    
I wave at the waiter quickly and as he's approaching us; Ares takes the liberty of grabbing my wrist. "Why are you calling him?"
"Because I'm leaving, and I want to pay my due."
"Why are you leaving?"
"Because clearly we both wasted our time."
"How? Like what- "
"You deceitful as fuck. You brought me in a date to do an intervention of some sort as if I'm a lab rat. No thanks."
"A lab rat-"the waiter comes and when he does we three make a small scene about who will pay for what and after my pleas are objected by both men, I sat back in my chair and just play with the rim of my Moscow mule as the waiter goes with his credit card to run it.
"Madeline."
"Don't Madeline me, you're not Jerome."
"Who's that?"
"My best friend."
"Okay, Angel. You need to communicate with me, I'm open to talk it out whatever misunderstanding you have of me."
"You brought me here not because you were interested in me but to sponsor me like you do with those crackheads. Well jokes on you, I won't be your next fixer upper."
The silence between us was definite.
"Hold on." He says. "Are you an addict?"