From the Other Side of My Bed

25. Heaven on Earth

When I was little, and it was Christmas time, I enjoyed sitting under the tree to stare at the Christmas lights. I used to think God decorated each night with lights, which we called stars. I used to say that one day I would have the whole constellations at my finger's tip. Later when I learned they were just lights which you hang on a tree, I don't know, I felt for once the magic flicked. And ever since I stare at lights, I just have this wholesome, yet bittersweet feeling about them. How magic is what we hope for, but do not know if it exists.
I think of this while Ares is being philosophical and giving me a bullshit peptalk about how drugs are the mankind condition of wanting to feel alive and other shit, but I rather get lost in the lights. I wish I was smoking my weed right now.
I look at him sideways and smirk. "You do know I didn't hear half shit you just said, right?"
"It's work to say it rather than keeping it in. Plus, I think you hear me."
"I was thinking about lights while you talked."
"What about them?" I shrugged and continued staring at the lights above us.
"How sweet and innocent they are." I shrug and look at my hands. I stare at the black paint on my nails. "How I am not that anymore."
"I bet you were really something."
"I was."
"And I hope you know, you still it. Just a bit dimmed."
"Bold of you to say I'm still not the brightest. Don't look good on your record with me now." I joke but I can't laugh. But he laughs so it's good. "I guess not."
Silence.
I stared at him.
"I don't know why you did this. I was fine with the sporadic encounters between you and I."
"But?"
"You now make it difficult by trying to know me."
"But you don't want to know me."
"I think I know enough of you."
"How?"
"Pretty boy from the suburbs?" I lean forward and clear my throat. "Who wears expensive and talk eloquent?" I play with the glass cup in front of me as I stare at him. "Moccasins and all? Come on, you don't fool anybody."
"Just like you aren't this daredevil, roughed up, and negative mystery, it can all be a bluff."
"What's behind this so-called bluff of yours?"
"Someone like you. Or well, who used to."
I laugh on his face and just lay back on my chair. "a junkie?"
My face tries to drop but I maintain the smile.
"Please do tell your story, fellow junkie."
Automatically, in unison, we plant our elbows on the table and stare at each other.
"I was raped since I was very young, give it 4 or 6. Don't matter," my eyes dropped to my hands. My façade falls from me, and I'm left with this sour taste on my mouth. I shouldn't have asked. I shouldn't have pushed him. I just should have walked away. But I'm here now, so I bravely face him and look at him, even though he is looking at everywhere else but me while speaking.
"I had a pervert of an uncle who used to make us play a game in which we sat on his lap while he touched our dicks, them eventually it evolved into actual rape. It went on for years and years... and I grew up very problematic after that, or so my parents told me. I would like, beat up kids who called me gay for not having a girlfriend at barely six grade or never flirted with girls and it was all stupid to me. It made me feel less of a man back then."
I felt breathless as he went on.
"Then when this older dude came and offered me oxxys, I took them impulsively so that's how I got into drug addiction. If I'm honest, they helped me get over my fear of having sex." My eyes were wide open when he said this. This ... recognition of trauma, of knowing I wasn't alone with celibacy due to trauma, that it was a thing for many others... made me feel validated.
"Once I did it, I fucked every girl I could find who was down to fuck."
"Hot."
"It was, for a while. Until I got STD scare. Some girl I had been with later on said she had chlamydia and that s when I evaluated my choices and of course, thank God I was clean and still clean, but it was scary."
"I bet it was."
"The hookup culture isn't a glamorous as people make it to be."
"So, then this is why you stopped doing drugs?"
"Uh, no." he said, sighing. "Uh, so it was years later when I met a dealer at his house just to party. I had success in finding a fireman job and it was going to pay me a lot, so I needed to celebrate that. My idea was that if I helped others, somehow whatever I did to myself would get erased. So, it felt good to me, like you say..., me. But that wasn't me. It was just drugs."
"Mmh."
"So when I got to the dealer's house, he gave me a lethal injection of morphine, and I had already taken meth and oxxys prior so when the morphine hit, I was gone. Almost dead. There wasn't any Narcan around and they didn't know how to do cpr and so they all left, ran for their lives because they knew I would be dead. But a sweet girl came and called the cops, and they helped me. Later I was put into rehab and then a halfway house."
"That's rough."
"It was rough." He sniffs, as if he is holding back tears but I look at his eyes and they just look sad. He's no longer a threat to me, but a human, who has been hurt just like me. I take liberty to grab his hand.
"Is it okay?'
"Quite okay." And I play with the two green and silver rings he has on. "So that's when you decided to be a therapist?"
"Yeah, until I saw the tuition. So, I just decided sponsoring isn't a bad way to help."
"So, what's your hope now?"
"Kiss you." I smirk. "But also show you there is more than this."
"Ha."
"This is all a beautiful illusion. Nothing real."
Honestly, I am not even listening to him anymore. Ever since he prompted the kissing part... I'm more eager in that. I'm high and tipsy, I just want to dance.
"Want to go swimming in my apartment complex? "I begin to stand up.
"I thought you were done with me." he says. I go around the table and lean forward to his ear and say, "Not quite."

-
When we arrived at my complex, he felt a bit apprehensive about going in and taking off his clothes. I tell him he doesn't have to go in the pool like me, but he instead opts to undress. The pool area is almost empty, with only a couple there smoking in the chairs. The silver moonlight kisses our skin and makes light enough for us to see the water in the darkness of the night. The palm trees swing left to right, some of their leaves had fallen overnight due to the monsoon we had earlier and now are found in the poolside.
As I watch him carefully take off his clothes, I forget how satisfying it is to watch a man undress. To see the curves and muscles flexing as he moves makes him so sexy. He leaves on his underwear on and then looks at me, confused about me not being naked yet.
Once I have his attention, I take off my shoes and throw them aside. I slowly pulled off my dress and as it falls on the ground, his eyes darkened.
I walk toward him, maintaining eye contact as my hands travel to his chest, feeling the velvet of it, then push him to the pool.
We fall on the icy water laughing and soon we find each other under it, where I take the liberty to wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him.
He's a soft kisser.
But I'm not.
When I kiss you, I want to kiss you, to feel every bit of you.
We swam to the surface and began splashing each other, never missing a chance to drown each other and it's intimate now that I think about it, we swimming and almost dancing in the water as I am in his arms and he twirl us.
This feels like happiness.

"Dear Greek God,"
"Angel,"
"Would you say this is a beautiful illusion?" he frowns and says, "an illusion?"
"Yes," I laugh, swimming away from him. "I'm drunk and high out of my mind, feeling like I'm on top of the world with you by my side. And you say that feeling is all in my head."
He swims after me. "What?" I stop, turn around and wait for him to catch me, which he does, and he wraps his arms in my waist and I, my legs around his waist.
I have him where I want him when I say, "So would you say now that this is all a dream?"
"I don't even know if you're real sometimes."
"Even when I kiss you?" and I kissed him.
I leave a trail of kisses from his mouth to his chin, to his cheek and then to his ear.
He whispers, "I want you."
And then I go into a small shock because, if I'm honest, I want him to but, how serious is he about me? Am I one night stand or am I forever?
I grew cold as I pulled away.
"So do you just want to fuck or?"
"The fuck?" he unwraps his arms from me. "Why can't you believe me when I say I want you?"
"Because am I forever or just another fuck of yours?"
"I want to date you. You cannot ask me to think of forever when I don't know you one bit."
"Then know this: I am a forever thing. Like an illusion like you said earlier, so either have me or fuck off. I don't do hookups."
"Oh my God, why would you think I just want you for that?"
"I mean, who hasn't?"
"I'm not one of your little boys."
"Then what are you then?"
Silence.
We stare back at each other, me angry and heartbroken, and him, who looks lost in my eyes. "I want you; I want to date you; I want to make you see a different reality."
"This is my reality, Ares. For now, this is me, I don't care about tomorrow, I care to be happy now."
"Even if it hurts you?"
"Yes," I say proudly. "at least I'll recover from it unlike heartbreak."
"Madeline,"
"Dating is just a sad excuse to have sex with someone."
He laughs, looking around the pool then says, "I've told you about my past and my struggle with sex-"
"Didn't seem like a struggle to me, Mr. I-fuck-whoever."
"You cannot possibly think that there is not a guy that would want you for you and not for what you cannot give."
"that's some novel shit, it doesn't exist in our world."
"well, I hate to break it to you but I'm one guy who wants you for you."
"Please, you're not the only one,"
"Then who else?"

Jerome.

"I'm not going to be your guinea pig which you can experiment with, Mr. counselor-in-addiction. I don't need saving."
"Okay."
"Cool."
"Then I won't interfere in your addiction."
"That is if we date."
"Be my girlfriend."
He is serious...
But I'm way to fucked up right now.
I unwrap my legs from his waist and swim up to the blade and get out the pool as I gather my clothes and shoes when I hear him say. "What was that?"
"Me, leaving!" Then I grab my wax pen and start smoking as I walk toward my apartment.
I hear him behind me, but I don't run. I cannot even dare to turn.
"Madeline."
"no!"
"Madeline, I won't hurt you or interfere with your thing, I promise."
"Yes, you will and right now I cannot afford another heart broken."
As I climb up the stairs, and reach my apartment, I desperately try to open the door before he gets me but too late because he gets where I'm at and makes me turn around to face him. "Madeline,"
"Maybe I underestimated how hurt you are. I'm sorry. I know things like this might be hard and that you cannot trust but trust me on this; I want to make you happy, I won't interfere with your drug shit, I'll just watch you from a far and save you if you need saving."
I look at him and laugh. "no, can't do."
"Why not?"
"You first ask me to be yours and when I decline-"
"Well, you didn't exactly decline,"
"Goodnight, Greek god."
"Madeline,"
"What?"
"Please." He cups my face in his hands. "Let me be yours,"
He leans forward, opting to kiss me and even as much as I don't want to, I kiss him back, officially being his.

What a night.