Naseem-e-Subh

Chapter 7: hopelessly lost

"He said that? That he likes someone else?!"

Israh nodded, busying herself with the cup of mocha in front of her. She felt embarrassed to even say that to Tamanna. She knew Tamanna didn't judge her, but she really must think that Israh was a hopeless cause at this point. Nothing ever worked out in her favour.

"Israh. You're gonna say no, right?"

Tamanna reached her hand to Israh's and squeezed it reassuringly. Like a promise maybe, that she'd be here regardless of what Israh chose. Or maybe it was more of a pitiful squeeze because she knew what Israh's answer was going to be.

Israh had woken up pretty early in the morning. She'd prayed her regular Tahajjud and then Fajr, spent some time with the Qur'an on her pillow in front of her and the translation app opened on her phone. She read and read. Prayed. Begged. A sign. Something. A dream, a gut feeling, a natural diversion?!

And there was something there. A subtle, humming yes in between her heartbeats. She kept seeing Asad's eyes, the way they peered at her when he said that he'd love her. She thought he had eyes much like the Sun, ever changing but always a constant— sometimes fire, sometimes flame. Either way, it gave light and warmth always, and Israh thought that maybe that could be enough.

"Don't tell me..." Tamanna trailed off, her grip on Israh's hand tightening.

Israh sighed. "I'd decided that I wouldn't look for love. So, I'm not."

"Then what are you looking for? Israh, I think you really need to think this over properly. He won't be able to give you what you want-"

"But he can give me what I need. He seems nice and, he's settled. He...I think I'll be satisfied with my life with him."

Tamanna exhaled frustratedly and got up from her seat, pulling the chair to Israh's side. She sat back down and hugged her friend. "You deserve more than that, yaar. I'm sure there'll be a much better rishta in the future for you. Don't do this in a haste please."

Israh chewed on her bottom lip, pins and needles beginning to prick her skin. She was so nervous about how her tomorrow was going to unfold. If she even lived till tomorrow. "My parents really like him."

"Oh my god, Israh! Seriously? With all due respect, this isn't about your parents. This isn't a course you're choosing or a job or stuff like that. This is serious. You can't possibly marry him just 'cause your parents like him! I will kill you if you do that!"

"And what am I supposed to say to them? Why I don't wanna marry him. What am I supposed to say?"

"I don't know Israh. Anything. Make up something. Tell them the truth. Do whatever you wanna do, but don't do this stupid sacrifice thing you've been doing your entire life."

Israh sighed but stayed quiet. She didn't want to talk about this anymore. She didn't want to think about it, or argue over whether he was a good person or not. She'd spent her life thinking her sister, Aneesa, was a good person, and in a sense maybe she was, but her immaturity and recklessness had ruined everything. She thought her cousin's husband was a good person and then it turned out that he abused her so much, she had a complete nervous breakdown. She thought her father was a good person, but he never left a chance to humiliate his wife in front of everyone.

At this point, there was nothing Israh wanted to expect from her own partner. They were all the same, and she was used to compromise, so things wouldn't be so different after marriage too. It simply didn't matter.

Tamannah knew all of this, everything that Israh thought and felt, and she would try to deter her further from such sacrifice, but there was no point. Israh never listened when it came to drawing boundaries and saying no. Tamannah just prayed to Allah that whoever this guy was, that he'd treat her friend right.