Naseem-e-Subh

Chapter 15: a bitter truth

Israh didn't know what happened after she left. She stayed in her room for too long, awaiting her mother to come knocking on the door anytime soon now.

The little happiness she'd felt until a few hours ago, after so freaking long, was gone now. In an instant. And she'd had her time. She cried, she shook with fear and guilt. Now, numbness washed over her.

By the time Sidra and Sikander came upstairs, Israh's remorse had faded and she felt a relentlessness to her attitude.

She unlocked and opened the door, and even though it stung and made her stumble back, the slap on her face was far from enraging. She was disheartened but not surprised. It was a long time coming.

"Kiyaa zarurat thi tumhe ye sab kehne ki? Arey, koi aqal hai tum mein? Tumse ye ummeed nhi thi mujhe, Israh." Sikander near-yelled.

(What was the need for you to say all of that? Do you have any sense? I didn't expect this from you, Israh)

Israh turned around and sat back down on the bed, folding her prayer mat and placing it gently on the chair next to her bed. She'd prayed Isha earlier, but there was too much in her heart. She couldn't even raise her hands for dua and found solace in the fact that Allah was aware of everything. He knew what was in everyone's hearts. And she trusted Him to make things better.

"Israh. We are speaking to you."

"I wish you'd spoken to Aneesa back then, instead."

Ammi came to stand before her, and gripped her chin, forcing her to look into her eyes. Sidra was angry. Sikander's eyes were on her too, angry but weakened. Israh sighed.

"What the hell's gotten into you today?"

"I'm done with this mom. I'm tired of pretending like everything's fine, when clearly nothing is. I miss Aneesa ammi, and I wish you and abbu had tried harder."

"It's not our fault that she ran away instead of coming to us. Sikander would have handled the situation-"

"It is, ammi! I'm sorry but it is your fault."

She looked at her father incredulously, then at her mother again. She knew that her parents missed Aneesa too, that they felt a lot of regret over a lot of things. But they didn't have the right to break hearts, and then excuse themselves by finding a scapegoat for all their problems. That wasn't how stuff worked.

"Because the first time Aneesa made that mistake, mom, you both were unforgiving. You found her talking to that man on the rooftop, and you dragged her down and you hit her. You slapped her and kicked her. You hated that man but you hated your daughter even worse. At a time when you should have been thinking why a grown ass man was in a relationship with your teenage daughter, you chose to unleash hell on Aneesa instead. Why did you not just kill him right then and there? Why was the punishment for Aneesa only?

This is why we sisters learned to hide things from you, mom. This is why the forbidden became a temptation. We saw how you and dad love each other and we started dreaming of it. We thought love was a good thing. You didn't say why it was bad! Why you loving a man was good but us loving a man was so bad. You preferred to get her committed to a man she didn't even like let alone love, who was also way older than her amma, than to just understand her feelings and sit down with her and explain to her how to stay safe!"

Her words seemed to hurt them. It was all there in their faces and their sagging shoulders. Sidra sat down on the chair and shook her head as if she couldn't believe what Israh was saying.

Israh felt bad, but something strange had a hold on her right now. She couldn't stop. She had so much to say, words that'd pierce through her parents and create a grief and pain that was unbearable, but she didn't want to stop just yet.