A girl in pieces.

difficult.

I wish I wasn't so difficult.

perhaps if I was more like my sister my mother would love me more and my father would be more patient with me 

I remember a time in class a friend asked me if my parents had to save my sister or I who would they choose?

I remember telling her "I think they would both choose my sister. I'm not really liked in my family." 

her face dropped. sympathy filled her face. 

as I held back my tears I told her "but its ok because at least they need her and I know she wouldn't be able to handle not being picked. it would break her."

my friend asked "what about you? doesn't it break you a little?" 

I wanted to tell her no. 

I wanted to tell her that I didn't care that they didn't choose me. 

but I did. I did care. I cared so much that it made me sick to my stomach. 

all I ever wanted was to come first between my sister and I. 

just once. 

but they don't seem to really care what I think 

as long as I am there to pick up messes and clean they do not seem to mind me 

but the second I ask them to care, they seem to think I asked them for a million dollars.

so instead I told her "no, not really. ill be ok." 

but I could tell in her face that she knew I was lying 

she looked at me again with utter sadness and said 

"if I had to choose, it would be you again and again." 

I don't know if she said that to make me feel better or if she really meant it 

but either way, I realized what she meant and it made me feel a little less helpless.

maybe if I wasn't so open minded they would care

maybe if I wasn't so difficult they would too

-A