I Needed to Vent

Control

I have a need to have everything happening like I planned it,
Which is so frustrating and exhausting,
I am able to control the people around me without any sort of guilt I must admit,
And most importantly: my body and eating.

It feels good seeing how the numbers drop,
The amount of bones that are seen under my skin,
The eating having a stop,
The food on the toilet just to look and feel thin.

I can count all my ribs since a while ago,
Running my fingers over my sides, I can feel my bumps beneath my hands,
Needing the numbers to be low,
Feeling euphoric because of it but no one understands.

Starving, binging, gaining, fasting, purging, losing,
So much pain in this endless cycle,
So much power in how my body is functioning,
Yet I feel more suicidal.

Yellow skin and yellow short and weak nails,
Deep eyebags compared with punches in the eyes,
Those are just details,
All that matters is that my body always is a smaller size.

Always shivering no matter how many layers of clothes I wear,
Getting bruises with every bump, even to the softest surface,
Everyone around me gossiping obvious on how I lose my hair,
But it will be worth it when I reach my ideal weight so all of this is on purpose.