𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 ˢᵏᶻ

.𖥔 ݁ ˖๋ ࣭ ⭑ sunshine

to my felix,

congratulations! every time i turn on my tv, your face is plastered on the screen and my heart swells with joy at your group's accomplishments.

with each album release comes a new award or nomination, and that makes me incredibly proud of you.

you really made it. you vowed you would, and you did.

when you mentioned all those years ago about your dreams of becoming a kpop idol, i'll admit i was initially apprehensive. with you having the highest grades in the school and easily obtaining the role of class president, i assumed you'd take an educational route in the future - like attending university alongside me.

but i guess music was your true calling, right?

we used to sneak into the music room together - i doubt you remember - so that you could practice your singing. whilst i accompanied you on the piano, we created some of the best memories in there.

once, i think your voice cracked during a rendition of yoon do hyun's "it must've been love", and the sound of my laughter attracted all the teachers within a 2 mile radius of us. detention had never been more undeserved, but with you there it was manageable.

school took an awful turn once you left. loneliness consumed my every waking hour - i suppose i have myself to blame for that, since all my time and effort was poured into only you.

naturally, i imagined that we would converse everyday given our relationship. however, soon our daily casual exchanges about your gruelling trainee life and my strenuous school day dissipated into mere good morning and goodnight texts, before vanishing completely.

when was it over for you?

when did my love lose its meaning and worth?

why was i not enough to remain in your life?

part of me felt that maybe i was holding you back, shackling you to your past when you all you wanted to do was chase your future. letting me go may have been easy for you, but it wasn't for me.

when you first debuted, even though i was hurt by your actions i still supported you. i listened to every song, watched all the videos, bought the albums etc.

i also bagged myself a fan call with hyunjin. he was very sweet throughout, and when i told him i knew you, he kindly let me know that you'd never spoken about me before. admittedly, the revelation stung and now i probably looked like a delusional stalker fan to hyunjin trying to awkwardly insert herself into their lives. so that experience was fun.

it's funny to know that although i'm graduating from university soon, you'll have still achieved more in this past year than i ever have in my life. should i have followed you? pursued a career in music too? that way, could i have stayed in your life?

often, i get asked whether i know you by my peers. and i always reply the same way.

with the words, "i used to."

truth is felix, you were my sunshine. my happiness. with you, i felt i had a purpose.

but with your family, your growing fan base , your closely knit group mates - what piece of you do i have left?

i'm going to stop looking for myself in you. because i know i'm not there anymore. and i think i haven't been there for a long time.

stay safe and take care of yourself,

✰