𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 ˢᵏᶻ

.𖥔 ݁ ˖๋ ࣭ ⭑ waiting for us

my darling jisung,

first and foremost, i never intended to break your heart. unfortunately, it's all i seem to be capable of doing.

come next january, you'll be starting your new job at the law firm and i will still be living off of your couch, like the leach i am. that's not to say that i am not trying to be better - it's just that every time i see you, i'm reminded of all that i could be. and that change terrifies me.

i had dreams too, once. it feels like a lifetime ago, putting in those endless all nighters to get the grades and achievements i needed to fulfil my own selfish desires. as soon as i got what i wanted, i took my foot off of the pedal when in fact i should've been pushing harder.

the assignments piled up, so did the responsibilities and the expectations. it felt like i was always running to catch a train, but never quite made it. the weight of it all came crushing down on me, and the empire i worked desperately hard to build crumbled, just like that.

i'm not a fighter. i run when things get difficult. like i did back then.

and like i'm doing now.

i appreciate that you stayed with me whilst i mourned my future. but i think i have been grieving too long.

maybe you kept loving me out of comfort, because i was familiar. when you're with somebody for too long, the problems start to blend into your lives and you ignore them for the sake of peace, because you can't afford to lose what you have. "that's just who they are," you'll whisper to yourself, but you shouldn't have to settle for this. you shouldn't have to settle for me, jisung.

it pains me that we don't talk like we used to anymore. your silence makes me question:

what if i never live up to it? what if you spend our whole lives expecting me to become a person that i'm not?

and they say that opposites attract, but we are not magnets han jisung; we are people.

you were handcrafted by god himself, the personification of goodness.

i am all my failures squished into one puny being.

how can you claim that we belong together?

it feels like i'm spending our days waiting for something to happen. like i'm waiting for us to finally happen, but nothing ever changes.

you love me, and i hurt you. the cycle repeats itself.

and i don't want to be your burden anymore.

hopefully once you see this, i'll be long gone to place that you'll never go with a name that your lips will never say.

so please don't look for me, i'm not asking to be found.

you're going to look back one day, with someone that is worthy of loving you, and i'll be but a distant memory in your mind. i don't expect you to ever forgive me, but i hope that you know this is for the best.

oh, what a privilege it was to matter to you.

goodbye,

✰