dear neil (continuation)

may 27, 1961

***tw // threats, threats of dv, homophobia/slurs***

dear neil,

i feel horrible.

it's been exactly 6 months and 10 days since i've written. i forgot about writing to you for 6 months and 10 days. 191 days. 4,584 hours. 275,040 minutes. 16,502,400 seconds. i'm a horrible person.

this will be a long one, so bear with me.

december: around christmas, my family sat me down and told me that they had heard some rumors about me. i immediately knew what rumors they were talking about. some asshole at welton found one of my letters to you, and i'm pretty convinced it's this new kid, simon, that's rooming with me now. 

i got weird energy from him when he walked in our dorm room with his father helping him move his stuff. he describes himself as (what i perceive) some rich bellend from london, but i've also discovered he's a compulsive liar (he doesn't have an accent, by the way). you'd think that if he moved here from england that he would have a passport. i looked through all of his stuff, and i found nothing. luckily, i did some snooping, and his younger brother, finn, who, to my surprise, is a much better person than he is, told me that they're actually from new york. so yeah, nobody really likes simon, but everyone loves finn.

anyway, i'm pretty sure he found the letter where i told you that i loved you, and brought it to nolan (i've been getting weird looks from him lately).

my suspicions were confirmed when my mother said that they had "actually heard from nolan" that there were some "tendencies based in the sin of homosexuality" that had been brought to his attention. my mother asked if it was true, and i made the mistake of sitting there in silence while i thought of what i wanted to say. after about 30 seconds of silence, my father shakes his head, and walks out of the room. my mom was kind enough to drag him back and sit him down again.

i couldn't even get the "n" in "no" out of my mouth before i started crying, and at that point i had blown my cover. i asked to leave the room and my father told me i wasn't allowed to leave until i "knew what a punishment felt like." my mother protested, and stood in front to protect me, insisting that we work this over peacefully. surprisingly, he agreed.

we ended up deciding that i could work through it on my own, and everything was fine until my asshole brother decided to shout "faggot" at me, and that's when i told him to go fuck himself and socked him square in the face. i don't know where that strength came from; even watching my brother, who just was rude to me, writhe in pain on the floor, somehow, i still felt bad for him.

january: nothing really happened. school was just pissing me off. i was diagnosed with depression, ptsd, and anxiety. apparently, i'm an even bigger wreck than i thought. that's all.

february: valentine's day... sucked... as usual. all of the guys and i are finishing up school work. we're honestly just ready to get out of welton. i'm so glad i still have them. they're still a support group for me, but every day that goes by just feels worse without you.

march: this is a crazy one. 

your father passed. 

he's been binge drinking since you passed, and he had alcohol poisoning on the way to the hospital. they were able to revive him, but then he had a fatal heart attack and died a few hours later. 

i don't know how to feel. i feel happy, because a horrible person left this earth. but i also feel horrible for your mother. ultimately, we're all conflicted.

april: finals.

may: graduated. i'm finally free. i'm so excited to start college. i've decided that i want to be a writer. my first book is gonna be about you, of course.

that's everything.

i love and miss you so damn much, neil perry,
toddy.