Reprogrammed (Hunter Angst)

Hi, How Are You?

"How are you doing today, Hunter?"

He loathed that question. The way Hunter saw it, there were two ways to answer: He could either lie and say that he was doing well, or... he could be honest, and have his counterparts meet him with pity in their eyes. There was no good way to answer it. He hated pity, but he also hated lying.

With his friends, was it better to lie? With his therapist, should he only halfway tell the truth? He was not in the business of saying something that would get him institutionalized again. Now that he'd been once, he was hellbent on not going again.

The worst person to ask the forbidden question was Darius. Hunter felt abysmal, telling him that he was doing good, that he was sleeping well, that he hadn't seen Belos's skull in a while ...That last part was the truth. The last time he'd seen Belos was when he was being slowly poisoned by his medication. It should've felt like a good thing, not being haunted by his Uncle anymore. But all the same, he'd had to suffer so much just for someone to notice that something was wrong.

So... back to the question. He was in his therapist's office. She waited patiently and quietly for him to respond. He liked that about her, how patient and kind she was. She never yelled at Hunter, never raised her voice, never hit him or even had a sour tone with him. This fact should have been comforting, but instead it just left him confused, and nervous.

Whenever Hunter was at all vulnerable in his childhood and early teenhood, there were always repercussions. His fellow scouts saw crying to be a sign of weakness, of fragility. Belos saw it as an inconvenience of sorts.

"Crying is a waste of energy" The Emperor would always remind the blonde. That, or he would threaten to hurt Hunter to "really give him something to cry about". The memory of the man's regal, cross voice made his scars briefly tingle.

"I'm doing..." And then he finished his answer with a shrug. Not his best work, if he was being honest. But when was he ever in the business of being honest?

"Something on your mind?" She pried politely.

"Yeah, something like that."

"This time is for you to share those things, if you feel so inclined." Mrs. Rose invited him with a little flourish of her hand.

Steeling himself, he pressed on.  "I guess I... Never know what to say when people ask me that."

"Ask you what, Hunter?"

"'How are you?' It's the same question that everyone asks, and I never know what answer they're expecting. Like... Do I just say that I'm doing good?"

Mrs. Rose shrugged. "Well, that all depends on how you are doing. Are you doing well? I want you to share whatever you're feeling comfortable with."

"...I guess I don't want to lie and say that I'm doing well, I mean... I just got out of the hospital and my medication didn't help. I'm really angry at myself for that. I just don't understand why I have all of these things that are meant to help me, and yet I can't actually figure out how to benefit from any of them."

"Recovery is incredibly hard, Hunter. I know that you know this, but I also want you to understand something incredibly important: recovery is also not linear. You will have days that will feel just like normal; you will feel happy, life will be easy. Then, you will also have days that are quite the opposite. This is part of living a normal life."

Hunter huffed, picking at the hem of his shirt. "I just... don't think I'm doing enough."

"You can only do what you can handle. If you're interested at all in my opinion I already think that you are doing much better than you were. Sure, you still have your days, or weeks even. But in the past few sessions, I have seen you open up more than you ever have with me." Mrs. Rose encouraged.

"Darius and I made a promise that we would be truthful with one another and I guess it made me realize that it might be good to be more truthful with everyone. I spent so long lying to everyone when I was in inpatient, and it only prolonged my suffering." ...Maybe he was in the business of being honest with people, if only as of late.

"That is very mature of you to recognize that, Hunter."

In response, the blonde blushed a little.

"So, I'll repeat the same question as earlier. How are you?"

Hunter paused for another moment. If he was going to be honest in his response, there were so many different ways that he could phrase it.

"I'm not sleeping, I keep having strange flashbacks and paranoia, and I really need to be honest with my friends about what's been going on." Hunter's mind drifted to his friends, and wondered once more how they felt about him.

"How much have you told your friends?" Mrs. Rose prompted.

"Almost nothing. They know snippets, I'm sure. But it's really not much."

"Well, I know that your friends love and care for you deeply, and they would probably appreciate you filling them in on what's been going on, even if it's just a few details."

The teenager knew that the conversation would have to happen soon. There was only so much more time they could feign innocence. He also knew that they'd most likely been talking amongst themselves; speculating.

He told Mrs. Rose as much, and she talked him through it.

"I'll warn you that your friends will have feelings of their own, and if they're feeling okay with sharing, they certainly will. I know that they will feel relieved of your return, but I also want you to understand that they may be feeling angry, saddened, or even betrayed."

Hunter dragged a hand down his face. "Anger makes me so nervous. My Uncle was such an angry man, I don't know how to handle it anymore. Now that I've been removed from it, it's like I've lost touch with it. I hate feeling angry, but it's also something that I feel all the time."

Mrs. Rose checked the silver watch on her wrist, and pushed herself out of her chair as she talked. "So, maybe you use those feelings to empathize. Your friends may be angry because of what happened, but you are also angry over what has taken place as well."

"It seems like it happened a long time ago, why do I still feel this way?"

"You were a soldier, Hunter. You spent your entire life living in anger and fear of everything around you. Sure, it's been a little while since the first initial incidents, but you are only just now beginning to process everything. Your brain will need a lot of time to reprogram itself, and to heal."

Hunter hated her answer, but he knew that she was right. Sixteen years of fighting day in and day out had shaped his brain into one that expected anger and fear, even yearned for it.

"Our session is almost at its end, but I'd like to tell you just one more thing before I let you walk out of my office." Mrs. Rose pulled him out of contemplation, handing him a small packet of papers.

Coming to Terms with an Autism Diagnosis: How to React and Coping Mechanisms, the top paper read. He looked down at it for a moment, and then back up at her.

"I don't understand."

"Autism diagnoses take several months of careful deliberation, study, and analysis. This is especially true for older males, and for females. After looking at your behaviors and reactions for the many months that I have come to know you, I believe that diagnosing you with autism is the correct course of action." Mrs. Rose held his hand as she stood in front of him, delivering her news. She studied Hunter's facial expression for a moment, allowing him to process.

"I know that this news is probably not what you want to hear, but I believe that it may provide an answer to some of your behaviors. Knowing that you are autistic can also help you develop coping mechanisms for when you are in stressful or over-stimulating situations."

When he walked out to meet Darius and Camila in the lobby, he thrust the papers into Darius's hands, and allowed them to lead him out to the car. For several hours after, he was seething with hatred. Another diagnosis, after the many that he already had. Did this mean more medication, more therapy, more doctors? For Titan's fucking sake, he'd already had enough. So much for being honest.