Weak (for the) He(te)ro (in) Class 1

5 - I'm Gay, H.A.Y.

Love was something Yeon Sieun had not experienced at all. Love-from a parent, or a partner-was all the same to him. Until An Suho came into his life (more accurately, it was Sieun who had enabled Suho to do so by changing schools-though to be frank, if Sieun was going to play the 'blame game' it would fall on his parents' shoulders for deciding to move Sieun in the first place).

For argument's sake, it was Sieun who had let Suho into his life by choosing to engage in conversation with him outside the history classroom on that first day. If he hadn't, he was most certain neither of the two would have looked in the other's way; seeing each other from a distance instead.

People-watching, however, was something Yeon Sieun was more than experienced in. It was his daily life, either intentionally or by chance. He didn't stare openly-he used to as a child-but along with his age, the reason for which he frequently observed those around him changed. Today, it was to learn from them. To become like them.

He would examine their behaviours in social settings; he would watch how they engaged with people they knew and people they didn't, in order to mirror those actions so that he could become like everyone else on the surface, even if he would be nothing like them beneath it. He can smile, he can wave, he can laugh, and he can most definitely cry. But the feeling will never genuinely be there. When Sieun's emotional unavailability unearths itself and makes his chest twang, Sieun abhors how different he is from the others.

Of course, people aren't genuine one hundred percent of the time, Sieun's known this since he was tiny, but sometimes people are nothing but human, and all Sieun can do is watch, devoid of all feeling. He comes close, but it's never the same-he always ends up looking like a fool, and he chastises himself for it.

Why are you trying to be like everyone else? If that's not who you are, don't force it. Feelings aren't all that, anyway. They hurt; you know that too well.

But they also heal.

They comfort you and make you warm inside. Sometimes, feelings are the only consolation you can offer someone. The fact that you're there, feeling what they're feeling, even if it's not happening to you. Why did feelings have to be so needlessly complicated?

Sieun wished he didn't know the answer, that he didn't already have an explanation for every curious thing that piqued his interest-he wished that one day he would come across something he didn't have an answer to.

-

An Suho wasn't one to intentionally miss his lessons, he needed the attendance points more than anything, but sometimes literature was too much to deal with at a certain time in the afternoon. In Suho's defence, he wasn't missing anything important. He idles along the winding corridor with his pockets in his hands as he hopes he isn't spotted by a teacher.

"Oi, An Suho!" a voice bellowed from behind him, catching his attention. It was a boy whose name he didn't know but must have been in his year. "Hey, good to see you-"

"Are you playing? At lunch, against the other half of the year group. We'd definitely win with you on our team." Suho was glad the student cut him off (he surely would have embarrassed himself by calling him the wrong name), but he wasn't glad this boy's voice was even louder than the first time. A series of escape plans began circulating in his mind.