𝐎𝐏𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐄𝐒 | | 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐬 [𝐄.𝐌]

Letters : Kathleen

A/N
This is Kim's letter to Kathleen, written in 1984, one year before her death.

WARNING : MENTION OF SEXUAL ABUSE.

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'To my gorgeous best friend,
I know how much you love letters, and so I'll try to make it as poetic as I can for you, although you already knew as soon as you opened the letter it wasn't going to be great.

If you've gotten this, though we could be fully grown adults with families by this point, I hope that it's gotten to you on good terms. (Not like my death or something like that.)

The first day I joined Hawkins high, I was so nervous. I may not have seemed nervous to you, considering I did just declare for us to be friends (best decision of my life), but I was super nervous. Mostly because I was new, in a new school, in a new town where I was unaware of absolutely nobody but me, and I'd hardly say I knew myself back then. So, when I saw your kind face hidden away in that locker, I knew that there was potential. In a way, it sounds like I used your kindness just for reassurance that I could have at least one friend, but it wasn't like that.

I saw you and I felt it. I felt what we could have and I took it. I didn't let those nerves get the best of me because they would've destroyed me, they would've ruined my chances at happiness and I might've gotten stuck with Andrew Davidson instead. (Not funny, don't laugh). I'm glad I spoke to you that day. I'm glad you were kind enough to let me know you and become an important part of your life. I don't think I would've coped with Steve all by myself.

But no matter how difficult life got, or how challenging the people and events around you became, I knew that you would always be there. You were my rock, my anchor. You were the one person who could make me laugh when I was so angry I could barely speak, who could comfort me when I felt like I was suffocating, who could wipe away my tears on my days when I felt like I couldn't go on any longer. You were the light that guided me home, and without you I don't know what would have become of me.

There's so many things I haven't told you. So many details of my life that I've hidden from you out of fear, and you're the only person I'm willing to tell now.

When I was little, I was kind of the black sheep in the family. Jonnie and my dad loved me, of course, but the rest of them?. Well, they thought I was weird. They didn't like the shit I got up to, they didn't like my attitude, or anything really. Eventually, when I got older I kind of drifted apart from them and became something they all despised, but I didn't care. I didn't need their validation. I just needed my friends. But, they weren't my friends. They weren't you or Steve or Robin or Billy, no where near close to Eddie even, but I was young and I loved them all.

It wasn't until 1981 that I realised they didn't love me back. It wasn't until roses birthday party, the night Robbie died, that I realised friends don't allow horrible people to do horrible things to you when you're black out drunk. It's not so bad, being asleep and all. The nightmares don't stop though, and the thought of your 'friends' allowing something like that to happen to you makes you sick. If it wasn't for Robbie, I would've got stuck in there all night. ANYWAY - my point being, they weren't my friends, you guys are my friends.

Friends are people who look out for you, cherish and care for you even when you're a total fuck up like myself. Even though there's always something bad happening to me, even though I practically make everyone else's problems my own, you guys still stick around and love me.

How'd I get so lucky?.

There's just one thing I need you to promise me. Just one thing I ask of you, Kathleen.

Always love yourself. Always know that you're loved unconditionally and you're worth being loved. You're worth everything to me and to us and there'll never be a day when you're not.

I'll always love you, forever until the end and after that. Always.

I love you Kathy,

                         Kimmy x

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