All the Colors of Earth (Natasha Romanoff)

1.13

A week after Natasha left, I found myself on the floor of the bathroom, drenched in sweat as I heaved into the toilet. It had been happening for the past two days and I was getting sick of it, pun intended. At first I was worried that it was the Bond struggling with the distance but the headache never came.

When I was done I heaved myself up to wash my face and stared in shock at my reflection. Sure I was a mess but what stopped me cold were the tears running down my face. Not the fact that they were there, but that they were blue. Stunned, I reached up and touched them, looking at them on my fingers. Definitely not normal, and unfortunately, I knew exactly what they meant.

"Shit," I muttered as I cleaned myself up as best I could. Crawling back into bed I fell into a fitful sleep, waking up to a warm body wrapped around mine. The soft snores told me it was Natasha and I tried to get out of bed without waking her, but no such luck.

"Where you going?" She asks sleepily.

"To get some tea, I'm not feeling that well."

She's immediately rolling out of bed and has her hands on my face, "you do feel a little warm," she says worriedly.

I shrug her off gently, "I'll be ok, I just need a drink."

"I'm still coming with you." Not wanting to argue I give in and head towards the kitchen. Flipping on the lights I start rummaging through the cabinets looking for the teapot. "Top cabinet," Natasha tells me.

"Thanks," I mutter, grabbing it and filling it up. Setting it on the stove I turn the burner on and sit at the bar, putting my head on my arms.

"How long have you been sick?" She asks, going to the sink and wetting a washcloth before placing it on my neck.

"A couple days," I groan.

"Should we go see Bruce?"

"No I'll be fine," I say as I sit up. "It happens sometimes."

She frowns, "because of the Bond? I thought you said it would stop once we..?"

I shake my head, "it's not that, I promise." The kettle whistles and I get up and make us tea, taking my time. When I finally sit back down I ask, "do you remember that day in the car, outside the bank?"

"How could I forget? You gave me a million dollars," she teases.

I bite my lip, "do you remember... that part about kids?" She nods uncertainly and I continue, "is your answer still the same?"

"What brought all this on?" Nat asked.

I bite my cheek and taste blood, "nothing. It was just a dream I had while you were gone. It was nice."

She smiles softly, "you dream of us having kids?"

"Would that be so bad?"

She takes a long drink of her tea, stalling for time. Finally she puts her cup down and sighs, "I don't know. I never met anyone I even considered being with. And then I met you and you brought out a lot of things in me, a lot of good things. And I love you, but I don't know if I can ever see myself being a mom."

I swallow hard, "ok."

"It has nothing to do with you or us, it's how I was raised. I wouldn't know the first thing about being a parent," she tries to explain.

"Natasha it's fine, really." I push back from the table and put my cup in the sink. "I'm tired, I'm going to go back to bed." She starts to stand but I stop her, "I think it's best if we sleep apart tonight. I don't want to get you sick."

"Wait," she calls after me. "Why are we arguing?"

I stand with my back to her, "we aren't."

I hear her chair scrape as she stands, "feels like we are."

I shake my head, "we aren't," I repeat.

"Then why won't you look at me?" She asks softly.

I breath deeply and turn to face her, "because I want kids and you don't. And that's fine, it truly is because I love you and I would never force anything on you that you don't want and I just need some time to come to terms with that so if you'll excuse me." I head for my room and close the door, sliding to the floor and trying to be as quiet as I could while sobbing.