Though You slay me, yet I will trust You

May

(A journal excerpt)
   "The whole trip my feelings of rejection, both from God and man, grew with the hours and those hours into days. By Saturday the tree of rejection grew fruits of sadness, anxiety, loneliness, and bitterness in fullness. Different people watered this tree at different times in my life, though I nourished it and ate of it the most. I ate of lies my mind would tell me, depression, melancholiness, grief, longing, lack of assurance, not being good enough, ostracization, emptiness, pride, perfectionism, and yielding to exhaustiveness. These were the fruits that I bore. Saturday, July 15th, 2023, I had enough. "You have head knowledge but you don't have the other half, you seem very pharisaical, religious, just an intellectual Christian, and you speak condemnation." They would say these things so casually, not realizing how it would sting the depths of my heart. Once I heard the first of these for the last time I couldn't bear it anymore. "What do you mean by that? What! Why do y'all keep saying things like that? It's driving me insane!" Some of the grief spilled out of me which I held in for so long. I was taken into another room with the youth pastor's wife, a chaperone and church member (who was the sweet lady from before), and the youth pastor. I spoke of my pain from the dagger-like words of others and my deep struggle from my self-wounding thoughts. "I'm tired of being called religious, pharisaical like I'm not a true Christian. They don't know how much I struggle in the faith. They don't know how much I'm trying. I've been reaching out to God and pleading so intensely and I haven't felt His Spirit this entire trip." However, I didn't mention the desperate petitions to God just to feel loved by Him, just to know that He loved me. These feelings and desperations were intensified by so many around me at this conference. It seemed like almost everyone was getting deliverance, was being enveloped by His presence, and was experiencing a closeness to God that I couldn't have, that I just wasn't wanted by God.
  The youth pastor said to me "You are seeking, you want to know that you know, you want a deeper relationship with Jesus, but something in your mind is blocking you. When you go to bed tonight, pray that the Lord reveals Himself to you. Start reading the book of Acts. There are things so much deeper to Christ." When I reached my sleeping space everyone else was asleep. My hope had waned to almost nothing but I begged and wept to Him anyways. I almost wanted to stay up all night reading Acts but exhaustion took over me before I ever opened my Bible.
  I felt even more spiritually and emotionally worse that morning. I sat down before most of our group had gotten there. With a group of twenty-something youth, I was left with an entire row to myself in the small church (besides a member who sat on the opposite side who I didn't know). It was like a signature at the bottom of a paper detailing why I was so unwanted. Finally, maybe out of pity, the aforementioned chaperone invited me to sit with her and her husband. I obliged.
They asked for the youth to come to the front to worship. The last thing I wanted then was to be in front of people. I got up anyways and stood close to the front right corner. My heart continued to well up with grief so much so that I could've burst into tears at any moment. After the third or fourth song, a youth (and friend) walked from the other side of the room to ask if I was okay. The words "I'm okay" was at the edge of my lips. I turned to her and hugged her instead. I began to weep and my knees buckled. We were there for a time, then she went away. I bowed so low that my face was on the floor. I said in silent prayer "I won't get off this floor until You love me! Until You bless me. Until I know!". Different people came and prayed over me, one of them being my dad. I only picked my head when someone said "Hey, I want to give you a hug". After that hug, I thought it was over, and stood upright on my knees. Dad, who was sitting on a chair right beside me said "Both your daddies love you." At that moment something came over me that I couldn't explain or control."
(End of journal excerpt)

The experience following is something I still don't understand. However, it produced an immense amount of fruit in my life. For this reason, I do not doubt that it was of Christ. I will leave this section out, but maybe I will find the details significant enough to tell later.

(Final journal excerpt of chapter)
  "I began to make my way to the bottom floor whose entrance was right beside the front door. That sweet lady I spoke of before took my face in her hands and said "You're smiling". I looked at her confused because I didn't think that was anything remarkable. She then said, "Your eyes are smiling". Though I didn't realize it at first, I must have been beaming with joy. It seemed like those around me looked just as happy as I did. I was beaming from then until the moment I fell asleep that night."
(End of journal excerpt)