Though You slay me, yet I will trust You

November

(A journal excerpt)

   "My life has undergone yet another drastic change. I look ahead of me and the days to come are so uncertain, without sure direction. What more can I do but to look at what is sure. I must live in the remembrance that though I don't know what my tomorrows hold, I know Who holds all of my tomorrows. So, what brought about this drastic change?
   Well, I feel that it started from the moment I first walked through those doors, but I can get to that later. This week brought about the end of what I've known, what I became comfortable with. It started with a message. I sent a message Sunday to the church college group chat warning against an upcoming conference."
(End of journal excerpt)

  To sum up the omitted parts, the rise of influential false teachers, cloaked in yet another level of deception, had brought me great concern. I spoke of these things, naming a few names. The youth pastor's reply to that message was a link to a sermon of one of the ones I had named which he was pushing me to watch. This felt incredibly antagonist. I said no.

(Last journal excerpt of chapter)
"Unsurprisingly, he said that I almost sound like a Pharisee and that he senses "hatred". I gave him an opening for him to reveal he was joking, he did not take it. I sent a very long winded message asking why, because it seemed he was trying to provoke and upset me, why he would do this when I've only been well intentioned.  I spoke of how such comments stung me so. I had a few people call me, and the only call I answered was my friend (the one who walked over to comfort me in May). The youth pastor called my dad and said he was only joking, which was later revealed to be a lie. I sent two separate messages the following day. One to the youth pastor and his wife, and the other to the college group chat. The former detailed why I was so upset, and the latter covered the topic of legalism and hypocrisy. To summarize, I said that the prejudiced idea that high church Christians are educated but dead inside was wrong. The idea that the Holy Spirit can only freely move in charismatics circles was wrong. I went on to say much more in that message and I may cover it more later.
   I saw that sweet lady at Bible study the next morning. I mentioned it briefly but I decided to share all what had happened to that point after the study was over since she would be coming to prayer meeting too. She was sympathetic, kind, and prayed for me.
   I was dreading the meeting to come and I didn't get out of the car until my friend got there. I wasn't expecting an apology but excuses. What actually happened was much worse. He asked if I wanted to speak privately and I said no. He opened with asking me if I needed prayer for anything. He kept asking and I kept saying no. I'll sum up what he said the best I can. He said that the people I listen to are the kind of people who would persecute Jesus and His apostles if they were here today (being reformed is their great "sin"). He openly admitted that he never listened to a single one of their sermons. [Adding for more context, when I asked about those he listened to, he said, "have you never sinned?] He said that the initial message I sent was meant to spread hate. He said that I'm not welcome to share anything they say. He said that high church people need to be enlightened. He said that I'm walking down a dangerous path, and that I probably have a demon following me around. He said that my views are not welcome at this church. He pretty much said that if I don't change the path I'm on, that if I don't affirm his interpretation as law, that, "Maybe you don't belong at this church". That line cut me deeply. The whole time I was so hurt that I could barely speak through my tears. I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I got up and left. The youth pastor's wife met me at the door and I gave her a hug and left. My breath and tears were out of control from the shock and hurt. Once I got into the car, all of that pent up emotion flooded out.
  (This section was written at a much later date so it will be less detailed).
  I just couldn't go home. I drove into a brightly lit parking lot. A few minutes were allotted for me to calm down before my friend called. She was crying as well. She drove into the lot and we talked. It was dark, cold, and raining. I found it ironically poetic. To summarize: she explained that she understood both sides, but as far as her direction in life, it is with the youth pastor and the church. She said to not focus so much on denominations and study but my relationship with Christ. I said she was right. I told her that what she said is what I needed, not what the youth pastor said, which was incredibly hurtful.
  Our shoes were soaked. We talked in the rain. I don't know why we never got in either vehicle to finish our conversation. I didn't mind. When we were saying our final goodbye, my dad drove up. He asked if I was coming home. I said yeah and left. I told him all that had happened. He was not happy to say the least, haha.
   The following weeks, my family was so there for me. My aunt was the first to reach out. That fiery headed friend had also called me Thanksgiving Day. I told him what happened and he poured out his support and comfort. By far, the most influential and helpful conversation was with my brother in law.
   Even though leaving a place that started to feel like home was incredibly difficult, I think it was necessary to expose my true weakness as a Christian. I'm still trying to recover."
(End of journal excerpt)