League of Harpocrates

Inferiority

I'm not dumb, I tell myself as I walk down the hallway facing forward as I feel eyes glaring. They're probably not looking at me but I feel my chest heave. Is it my walk? My clothes? Is it my grades? or is it me. I reach my lecture hall finding a seat in the middle row to seem interested but not desperate. I've always been told I am a smart child, however I never see it translating to my grades. I tell myself I don't put enough effort, that is why however there is a small voice, perhaps the devil, negotiating otherwise. Although I feel as though I am smarter than a bunch and admit it is fact, I made it here through luck or effort but many didn't, I roam these halls because I am smarter than those who couldn't make it but alas I lack the intellect of those around me.

Caedon being the first to cross my mind, as I find him in the sea of students sitting in front of me, of course, he would never sit in the back. The thought of him irks me. As much as I respect his intelligence, I envy it even more. I was not blessed with his ability to calculate in seconds, or his photographic memory, or the fact that he can ask a question in class with no anxiety. Nonetheless, I do admit, he is useful. Oddly enough, I am not blind to my unprecedented hate and envy. I know it's wrong but I justify myself by not telling a single soul my inferior thoughts. After the lecture ends I get up and head towards the Professor to hand in the assignment and ask questions about the other given tasks which I could not ask in class- alas History is my favorite. but someone beat me to it of course, nonetheless I stand beside Caedon he looks over a smile in acknowledgment i give a quick nod. Which was idiotic but the damage was done. He finished and gave me the go ahead. I talked to the professor about the different views of historians that don't seem to have a middle ground or any relation. The professor tells me to use what seems logical to me in my paper. I'm confused but accept and leave. logic, my worst enemy. I don't see the world as a binary and logical place like my peers but as an abstract piece of shit that likes to mess with me every minute. I may have made it to SIlas Academy, which accepts about 2% of all applicants but it is not my intellect that got me through but my knowledge.

I walk out of class and see Amelia standing in the distance having a "conversation" with a boy. As I approach I hear "oh but this assignment looks so difficult, not sure if I can do it, I was sick all week too" she says, eyes locked in his flirtatiously. "i can do it for you" "really?! you're a gem!". I am not surprised to see these theatrics play out but it is a daily occurrence with different male leads every time. she spots me and shouts excitedly "Oh Lyra!" closing the distance between us. "Let's go grab lunch". Amelia's reputation could be summed up in 3 words: The Dumb Blonde which she definitely was not, she could feign ignorance and bliss and everything in between. It is not like she couldn't do that assignment she just didn't want to. I found out her reality when we shared an art class during the first week of school. She painted something that did not just require skill, which she possessed obviously, but also calculation and precision that not even the professor could've done without a ruler, calculator and guidelines. But she created a masterpiece within hours without any of that. I approached her naively asking her how she did it and her reply was "just followed along" she said giddily, it was a lie, "you're lying" I say, i read the shock on her face that appeared for a tenth of a second, "check" I think, she smiled and replied with a grin "nope! I just did it". I grab her wrist and sit her down on the stool scooting mine over in the process and start bombarding her with queries ''how did u make this exactly 15 inches....." "how did you calculate the circumference in relation to...." and more all while she denied everything i finally said "i know you know what im talking about no need to hide it, i don't care how you want to present yourself, tell me your techniques'' I craved knowledge but gained a friend in the process as she did not take offense to my observations and accepted it. Checkmate.