League of Harpocrates

Superiority

As we approach the cafeteria, I analyze the many groups sitting, the nerds, the mean girls, the popular ones, none of which I fit in but can get along with just about everyone except of course certain individuals. I cannot stand those who are lesser than me, not in terms of academics but personality, those who cannot fathom a thought out of the usual slutty topics, peoples appearances, their own and judgment. They are not here on their academic success but their parents and that is why I do not acknowledge their existence, and they hate me for it, so be it. I am by no means am i smart, but they are too dumb to realize that my stiff attitude does not stem from arrogance but from their lack of basic human etiquette. I do not think highly of myself, I just think lowly of them. Sometimes I wonder if I really am the problem. Maybe it is my arrogance deceiving me but the feeling I get after associating with them is not superiority but disgust.

We take a seat at an open table after getting our meals. Blair approaches the table with a smug smile on her face, ugh i cannot take this right now, my train of thought made me feel unjustified in my feelings because she has not even opened her mouth. "hey Amelia, we're thinking of going to the new coffee shop nearby, wanna join?" she says while she doesn't make eye contact with me as I stare at her as if she's scared to turn like im going to bite, i won't, yet. Amelia politely declines her offer as she figures out who will be joining them. Blair glimpses at me, lucky for her I have been staring a while to make her uncomfortable, she says hi and I reply with the same energy. She turns back to Amelia and attempts a rescue mission, "haha like Lyra would want to go, she's too busy for us" "don't make the effort to lie' 'I say while staring at my food. she does not need to make a fake effort all the while being passive aggressive. "Lyra, I'm kidding! you know you're busy!" she says loudly and laughingly. "no i'm not" i say making eye contact. "did you ask Freyaa to go?" Amelia interrupts in hopes to de-escalate the situation. nothing was going to happen anyway, she would've continued diminishing me and i would've replied and the blame would be on me because i am too much. Their favorite line is that I talk gibberish. I am not sure if they're calling me annoying or themselves dumb when I pick an insult besides the 10 they know of.

She eventually leaves and heads towards the group of gentlemen she was going with. I look at Amelia saying "you know, i don't mind you going, just be careful of the company she has gathered" monotonously. "No, don't feel like hearing a dirty joke every 3 seconds". Valid. we joke around more about the whole interaction and move on. We head towards the garden, my favorite place to relax. The garden is surrounded by the academy buildings and trees providing shade for those who wish to sit on the benches or grass. I like sitting on the grass it feels softer and calmer. The cold grass feels good as i touch it while the sun hits my face. We sit down near a tree so we can easily move to the shade if need be, the weather seems pleasant for now. I pulled out my book to read, a murder mystery. Amelia wasn't much of a reader but she sure loved listening to the stories. So whenever I would be reading, I'd share the summary of what I've read and listen to her assumption, eventually it evolved into a game of who could predict the plot. After the first chapter, i would write down my predictions with her, and whoever was closer would win. She was on a streak, my redemption arc was yet to come. As we obnoxiously make fun of murderer getting caught. "ah rookie mistake, should've worn gloves" "I could never".

I see Caedon walk towards us from the corner of my eye, I'm confused but don't make a notice of it. He sits in the shade, behind us, taking out his notebook and an assignment, always studying. He seemed more perplexed than usual, he would breeze through most of the time, that pen would never stop. Regardless, we continue our conversation making the most ridiculous and absurd assumptions so far. The detective has time traveled back, saved the wife of the murderer and married her, carrying her to the present bridal style but of course we have lowered the volumes so as to not disturb. As much as I am jealous of Caedon's skills, I cannot cause him trouble just because I feel negatively about him. Which in itself is hypocritical since I treat Blair and her group indifferently due to my hate for them. Maybe it is because he is better than me and they are worse, it is human nature to be arrogant to make yourself feel better. but that theory doesn't satisfy my approach with Caedon. Maybe it is out of respect and admiration? Whatever it is, I am once again conflicted with my emotions. Do I have an inferiority or superiority complex? Who knows. I do not think highly of myself as that group of guys walking by and goofing around nor do I feel lower than those girls sitting on the bench laughing carelessly. I feel normal. The human brain is a complex thing; emotions are hard to deal with.