oneshots | skephalo

illicit affairs (a)

What started in beautiful rooms
Ends with meetings in parking lots

—

When we first started. I remember what you used to say to me.

"Make sure nobody sees you leave."

Almost as if you're embarrassed of me, but I know—we know that that's not the case. It's not that we're embarrassed of each other, it's not that. But I do know that it kills you everytime someone mentions me.

You keep your eyes down as you walk out through the back door, look the other way as you hop into your car.

Picked out this cologne for you. Wore these clothes for you. What we have is beautiful, but it could never leave a trace. No evidence of us, only doubts.

No one knew about us. About the longing glances we'd give each other, the broken hearts and shed tears we'd exchange. The kiss was all but forgotten.

Thought you'd feel the high every single time you'd come back to me. Every time I'd come back to you. It would feel the same.

Passion was exchanged throughout our many nights together. Our friendship, I don't know what we'd call it now, is full of memories, desire, moments we can't take back.

I tell myself I can always stop, stop seeing you, that this isn't a huge deal, but you've become crucial to me. I can't let you go now, not when we're like this, we cannot just end it all like this.

You tell your friends you're out for a run, so when you come back, face flushed and hair messed up, they have no reason to think of me. To think of us.

I left no trace behind, no evidence.

Could it have been a dream? Your hands on my waist felt too real, the words you spoke sent shivers down my spine.

The pure want in your eyes drew me closer. Thought I'd have all of your expressions memorized by now. All of you is whole, and I'd never forget any part.

I knew about the little things, the birth mark on your chest, the faint freckles lining the back of your neck.

Knew you'd laugh before saying something with confidence. Knew you'd smile at the little things. Knew the way you got excited when you finished something you had been working on for a while.

Knew the feeling of you wrapping your arms around me when I got home from work. The way your face would flush as I complimented every part of you. Knew that you loved loving me more than anything else.

I knew how your whole body would tense when someone would bring up love. When someone would bring up the future. When someone would ask you if you wanted anyone yet.

I remember how you would react when I held your hand in the back of the taxi. The way you'd lean on my shoulder when we watched movies.

You felt perfect in my arms.

I'd leave my shampoo at your house so I could shower there and come see you faster. And when it ran out, you let me use yours; so I smelled like you.

It still feels like you're here—somehow, your aura and the light in your eyes has a faint shadow.

You look at me in a way you don't with anyone else. It hurt how much you cared. How much you would give up for me.

When I went back home, states away, you'd still make time for me. For us.

Even though we were in different time zones, you'd stay up for me. I'd sit there on the bed with my phone in my hand, waiting and refreshing just to hope a new text would come through.

It hurt like a cold sore. Almost as if I'd done this to myself.

You couldn't tolerate it anymore. You hated being apart from me. That's when you flew out every weekend.

You flew out every weekend just to see me. You didn't care about the thousands of miles it took, the thousands of dollars you spent.

All to get just to me.

I remember the day I told you I was falling out. Out of what we had created, out of the castle we had built up.

Your hurt expression killed me more than anything I'd ever seen. You never usually became as sad as you had become that day.

I swear I could see the crystal tears in the corner of your eyelids. The way your face turned dark, almost as if the light that shined through you was shut off.

You got up and said one thing—one thing that I will never forget.

The words cut through deeper than a knife, no one had ever said something that changed me so much. These words are what told me I needed to change.

"And you know damn well, for you I'd ruin myself a million little times."

...

I hope you know I'll love you forever, Zak.

Even though things have ended, there's someone out there that will save you. I don't know who, but I do know one thing.

It's not me.

—
thank you for reading!!!!!
published 2/3/24
word count : 865