La Rosa Gialla

Chapter 13

Winter 2017

Charles won the Formula 2 championship and signed a contract with the Sauber team to move up to the next category. To Formula 1. Not that I sought this information out, but Damiano made sure I knew everything about Charles' career path. He watched every race closely and explained everything to me in detail, even though I didn't ask for it. Damiano claimed to have been interested in motorsport long before that, but I think it was meeting Charles that turned him into a fanatic.

I didn't want to tell him to shut up because I really couldn't care less about the boy that broke my heart. Damian and I had been dating for several months. Every weekend we met either at his home in Parma or at my family's guesthouse. I couldn't even count the number of times I've taken that hour-and-a-half-long train journey since August.

We squeezed through a group of Japanese tourists who were furiously taking pictures of the baptistery in Piazza del Duomo and slipped into a tiny, quiet restaurant just around the corner. We ordered pizza and then Damiano brought up the hot topic of university applications again. "I think I've finally made up my mind," he stated before stuffing another bite of ham pizza into his mouth. I nodded to encourage him to continue talking. "I will apply to the biotechnology course here in Parma," he explained to me and I stared at him completely confused. My expression must have looked very desperate because Damiano laughed and began to explain what his studies should be about. No matter how hard I tried, all I caught was that he would spend a lot of time in the labs.

Compared to him, I was not clear about anything at all. I only had 2 months left before the application deadline for most schools. For some, even just a month. But I had no idea what I wanted to do and what my mission should be, not to mention which city to choose. "Perhaps you could also apply to the University of Parma. We would find an apartment together, we would live together. Won't you like that?" Damiano said and I looked at him.

It was nice with him. He was the first boy I had a real relationship with and everything turned out the way I always imagined. We had similar interests, we liked similar things, and he didn't want to rush anything just like me. That's why his proposal to live together surprised me a bit, even though it should realistically happen at the end of the following summer.

"I don't even know what field I will choose yet," I began. "I know. And I don't want to pressure you, not at all. I thought it might help you make a decision actually," he smiled at me and placed his palm on my hand. "Thanks, Dami," I smiled too.

On Sunday afternoon I sat on the train to Modena and wondered if I deserved a boyfriend like Damiano. I tried my best to feel for him everything he felt for me, but there was still a small voice inside me that, no matter how hard I tried, kept telling me that it would never be as perfect as I wanted it to be. Because Damiano is simply not the one I want to spend my whole life with.

I felt horribly guilty and wondered what the hell was wrong with me. That's why in the evening, immediately after arriving home, I explained all my feelings to my mother. She just sat quietly and listened throughout my story. "...and I just feel like it's not fair to him," I finished my monologue and looked into her eyes. Mom grabbed my hands and sighed. "Adri, I don't want to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. You have to decide this yourself. But I can tell you one thing. Loving someone with all your heart is not always so easy. Sometimes it takes time to develop the deepest love for someone. The way you felt about Charles..." Now I sighed for a change. "What you felt for Charles can't go away so quickly. I know you really want to and you say it's all over, but I know how you looked at him and how he looked at you. Maybe if you give it time, you'll look at Damiano the same way."

"And what if not? What if I'll never look at him like that? I like him and I don't want to hurt him."

"That's life, Adri. Sometimes you hurt a person even with a decision that is ultimately right."

"Oh, mamma. Where do you get this wisdom from," I grumbled and she laughed.