lilies.

86

Kabanata 86

I expected my schedule to free up this year but I guess it is really far from happening. I am busier than last year. All I can do is eat and sleep at my condo. I can't even have time to get caught up in traffic to go home to Marikina.

We are spending less time than last year too. But again, I feel like he doesn't seem to mind.

It was February 28, I remembered it very clearly when...he asked for space.

He said he was so unsure now if our relationship or the current setup that we're in was something he will want to settle with for the rest of our lives.

He was overwhelmed. I understand him and I am blaming myself for it. It was my fault that I wasn't able to make time for him. I know.

I bawled. I can't do anything about it. I cannot stop him from leaving me.

So I gave him the space that he wants.

Every single day I am so scared.

What if he never comes back? What if the next time that we meet again, he will be asking for us to breakup? Kaya ko ba iyon? Hindi. I relied to him all these years. I am used to him. Hindi ko kayang isipin na maghihiwalay pa kami.

I was so sure that he was the one I am going to marry.

"Why are you on leave?" Grandma asked the moment she entered my office, "Are you sick? And why are you not answering my calls?"

It was the third day when Adriel asked for space.

I looked horrible. I haven't slept.

"You're on leave and then I heard that you are here," Nang matititigan akong maigi ni Grandma ay napalitan ng pag-aalala ang mukha niya, "You look unwell, hija."

Iniwas ko ang tingin kay Grandma. Matapos ay sinuklay ko ang buhok ko gamit ang aking kamay.

"I'm okay, grandma. What brings you here?"

"You should move your annual checkup to an earlier date."

"I'm okay, grandma," It came out as if I sound irritated when all I want is to assure her that I am okay. Kumunot ang noo niya. Napahawak pa sa kanyang puso na parang nasasaktan. I have no courage to correct my tone though. I want to be alone now. If I say my sorry, Grandma would ask me what's wrong. I don't want her to know what's wrong.

"What is it? Your secretary already reported my activities to you?" I probe.

Grandma sat on the long sofa dramatically as if I was hurting her. She settled there first. She leaned back and made her comfortable before she spoke.

"I think you are focusing too much on MECA."

I suddenly became so defensive now that she told me that. It is true. I took masters in construction. I focused on MECA because I feel like it is my strong suit and I can contribute more there but I would never say that to Grandma.

"The aviation and shipping- well, I think they are pretty much self-sustaining."

She sighed. "I don't want to bypass your decisions but I think you mustn't do that. I know it's hard to manage every business we have but you have to be hands-on on everything now more than ever because you're just starting. How can you learn the business thoroughly? It might be self sustain now but only God knows what will happen next?"

I didn't answer and just listened. However, due to stress, I think nothing is going inside my head now.

"I don't want you to end up fixing something that you won't be able to fix. Or regret something that you could fix by being thorough but you didn't kasi nakampante ka."

She sighed and continued. She clasped her hand, "Well, when you've seen a lot and experience it first hand, you'll learn. You have a long way to go. I'm happy with the progress that I've heard from your secretary, especially with the construction. It's more than what I expected."

"Thank you, grandma. It meant a lot to hear that from you."

I have never been in so many relationships that I'm not even sure about the rules or the things I should do or not when your partner asks for space.

I miss him. Terribly.

Whenever I remember that he asked for space, I will cry and cry to the point that I will be so overwhelmed that I'll forget to breathe. I will gasp for air and breakdown.

It's my fault, I know. But can he just let me fix my mistakes?

Honestly, I'm scared that he won't come back.

I wanted to message him and asked what he's doing? Ask him if we could get back together.

But I can't do that, right? I am afraid that if I pushed myself more to him, it might push him away instead of pulling him back to me.

I don't know why but I have a strong urge to open his messenger. I am hesitating though. It's wrong. That's an invasion of privacy. I never do that. I have never been the jealous psycho type.

But I feel like I should really check though. Maybe, to know what he's currently up to?

Mindlessly, I opened his account. A girl's name is on top of his chat list.

I immediately had a gut feeling about it. It's wrong that I even think of that.

But, I think he's cheating on me.

Naninikip ang dibdib ko sa pag-iisip ng posibilidad na iyon. Mabilis ang tibok ng puso ko.

I opened the chat. The first thing I saw was a photo of a library sent by Adriel and a message asking this girl, Reina.

I scrolled up checking how long they have been corresponding to each other. Just based on the amount of conversations they have, it's pretty long. As I scanned through, I realized they are certainly not friends.

I laughed but with no humor in it while my tears started to blur my vision.

They have been corresponding everyday and it's almost impossible for me to know when they start talking if I only scroll endlessly...it would take me forever.

I searched for a keyword, "Hi!" and that led me to their first conversation. It was last year.

Nanginginig ang kamay ko habang binabasa iyon. Kasabay noon ang pagluha ko.

Then I searched for the keyword, "I love you" and there were multiple results. He has been cheating on me since last year. That was why I feel like he doesn't seem to mind our distance while I am dying to always see him.

There's an "I love you" dated December 24, and I tapped on that. It says,

Adriel:

I love you too. Thank you for being with me tonight. Merry Christmas!

Adriel:

Always thinking about your kiss,

Adriel:

I hope we'll also have this new year.

I feel like I was stabbed multiple times, in my heart, my head, and every part of my body. I felt betrayed.

This girl is their new co-worker. The one that they always mentioned...the one that he always mentioned to me. He is the co-worker he's telling me that was coming last Noche Buena.

How can he sleep soundly at night knowing that he's hurting me?

How can he do that to me?