For your Own Good ~Bang Christopher Chan x Reader~

Chapter 10

The drive home was silent. No music played, no honking of other cars, nothing. Nothing but the sound of the motor pushing through the final hour of the trip back to my apartment.

Throughout the majority of the drive, I was zoned out, as the white lines on the road caused me to lose my complete awareness. Sometimes I would realize what happened and focus again, but then I would end right back into the hypnosis. Luckly though, the road I traveled down was empty, besides the occasional car passing me on the opposite side of the road.

After Ruby gave me her last piece of advice, she reached for me and kissed my cheek saying 'thank you'. She thanked me for taking care of y/n for as long as I did, and for still caring for them to this day.

I had to lock down myself more because of the action, if I hadn't I would have broke down and not been able to come home. Her words struck me for more than one reason too.

She didn't need to thank me for taking care of y/n. To me, doing so was as natural as breathing when they were with me. But what did hit me the wrong way, was when she said 'caring for as long as I did'. Not that I'm upset by the phrase, I know she meant nothing but to try to give me words of reassurance. It struck me wrong because I could only care for them for such a short period of time.

When I pictured my future, they were always there, and I had planned to care for them for the rest of my life. But now... I just wish I could have done so for the rest of theirs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When I finally pulled up to my apartment, it was dark outside and the street lamps were the only thing awake. I gathered myself and went inside, hoping not to run into anyone on the way to my door.

I tried to keep my expression as passive as possible, but I wasn't sure how I looked. With each step closer to my door, all my emotions and thoughts started to pull tighter around my throat. When I reached my door, I stumbled in as if something was chasing me and I needed to lock the door as quick as possible.

And something was chasing me, but I couldn't escape it.

Now that I'm in my own space with no one watching, I can let everything go. And so I did.

It took no time at all for hot tears to fall down my face, as I slipped down the door and rooted myself on the floor. All the thoughts I had started forming at Ruby's house and on the drive home came back, but more intense now that I was free to feel.

Throughout the past hours, the thing that makes me hurt the most now is the knowledge that I had no idea all that was happening. I was living and enjoying all the good things that came my way with my career, while y/n was dealing with the consequences alone.

There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about them through those 4 years. But every time I did, I always assumed they were doing fine without me. I assumed they had found someone else, because they were so amazing they could find another partner so easily. That was one of the reasons I was always so protective of them, because I didn't want anyone to steal them away.

Now that I know the truth, I don't want to wrap my head around it. How can someone who was so full of joy and wonder and excitement go through such horrible things? They didn't deserve that. And then for it to end like it did. They didn't deserve that either.

I didn't deserve this. If I am where I am in my career because of what y/n did, I can't accept it. Obviously I'm so grateful to them doing such a huge favor for me, but if it came at this cost, I can't accept it.

I should have made it clearer to them that I didn't care about the money or fame or deals all those years ago. If I did then maybe they would still be here, they wouldn't have left. And why didn't I try harder to stop them?

I texted and called them nearly everyday for a year after they left, because I truly didn't think they would just leave with no reason. But I was wrong. All my calls went to voice mail, and all my texts were left delivered. After a year, I stopped because I figured they didn't want anything to do with me if they avoided contact for that long.

Before, I never really understood it when characters in movies and shows pleaded for themselves to be taken in their loved one's place. But now, I can't escape the feeling. I would give anything to take their place, and I mean anything. The world seemed so much brighter with them in it, and now without them, there's no light left.