A Chance For Happiness

06. dicks are the best things to ever been invented.

Nessie studies the laptop screen anxiously, waiting for her call to be received. She’s sitting on the bedroom floor, hair tucked into a bonnet and by her side, a disinterested Pussy licking her paws. She’s trying to get through to her parents who are spending the summer in Enugu, Nigeria with her siblings. She was supposed to be with them, having fun in the sun and not dealing with shit she doesn’t want to but she had to choose between vacation and Cleopatra.

Obviously, she made the wrong choice.

She gasps in surprise as Pussy jumps into her lap just as the smiling faces of Helen and Chidi Howard appear on the screen.

“Happiness, nwa m nwanyi!” Her mother cries, throwing her hands up exuberantly, almost as if she can hug her through the screen.

Nessie smiles heartily, realizing at that moment just how much she’s missed her folks. “Nne, how you doing?”

Helen beams, a radiant look on her face. “I have been chilling, as kids these days like to say.”

Happiness snorts. “Oh my God. Nna, what of you? Have you been chilling too?”

Chidi shrugs. “I have been dragged through every inch of this city and I think it’s safe to say that chilling is the last thing I’ve been doing.”

“Oh, how’s Enugu?”

“Somehow worse than Chicago but there’s a bargain in every corner.”

Nessie laughs, unable to help it. “Nna, you’re impossible. How’s Char and Timon? Overwhelmed by the Nigerian life, I presume?”

Helen scoffs. “I wish! They fit in perfectly with the other kids, we barely see them. They’re celebrities now. After all, they’re Americans. Even a poor American is still royalty in Nigeria.”

Nessie snorts, remembering how everyone treated her the first time she ever visited. “I know that’s right. So, when will you guys be back?”

“In a month or so. Your siblings want us to stay longer,” Chidi answers. “How’s school? You studying extra hard?”

Nessie rolls her eyes, careful not to let them see. “I’m on break but sure.”

“How about your job? It’s not interfering with your studies, is it?”

“Still on a break, Dad! But again, sure.”

Helen slaps her husband’s arm gently, a chastising look on her face. “Obi’ m, let her be. You know Happiness works very hard, she deserves to have a little fun every now and then. Need I remind you she’s an adult now.”

Chidi scoffs, unrelenting. “What she needs to do is focus on getting into a good law school and become a first class lawyer. After all, I didn’t become a lawyer by having fun every now and then, I did it by studying hard and not letting anything get between me and my dream.”

“Well, you’re not a lawyer anymore now, are you?”

“It’s not my fault Nigerian degrees mean nothing in the US.”

“It’s never your fault, it seems.”

While her parents bicker needlessly in a mishmash of English and Igbo, Nessie remembers the reason she had easily chosen Cleopatra over Enugu and why she rarely calls. It’s because of this, going off tangent and talking about her like she’s not there.

Her parents mean well and always want the best for her but they never listen to her, always treating her like she’s a child incapable of making her own decisions.  Growing up with them meant stifling her dreams and reshaping it into theirs. It meant hiding parts of herself to fit into their narrative and denying herself the one thing that brings her joy.

She can’t remember the last time they asked her what she was passionate about, what makes her happy. All they care about is what they think makes her happy. She longs for the day she’d see them in the audience cheering for her while she’s on stage, living her dream but that day might as well be a fantasy.

“Your Aunty Ngozi said to tell you hello,”  her mother says, breaking into her reverie. Apparently, they’d stop bickering while she had been daydreaming.

Nessie nods distractedly, wishing the call was over. Gone is the euphoria of before.
“Oh, tell her I said hi.”

Chidi has other ideas. “How about don’t we call you once after dinner? That way you can talk to her and the entire family.”

There are few things scarier than talking with her extended Nigerian family. Not that they’re obnoxious or anything but they’re invasive and the last thing Nessie wants is to be grilled over her life choices. She gets enough of that from her parents.

She pretends to mull over it. “Let’s see, the time difference is like six-ish hours and you typically do dinner around seven or eight, which makes the time here around one or two in thr afternoon. I think I’ll be at work by then.”

“Well, can’t you ask for some time off?”

“I’ll try but don’t get your hopes up.”

Her father starts to say something but she mutes him as Ayo barges into her room, still in their PJs, a pissed off look on their sleepy face. Nessie frowns, asking, “What’s up?”

Ayo rolls their eyes. “That butler dude from the other day is at the door and he’s saying a bunch of shit that it’s way too early for me to understand. It was cute the last time but that motherfucker interrupted my beauty sleep so you better get rid of him before I commit premeditated murder.”

Nessie cringe, apologetic. “Would it helps if I say you don’t need a beauty sleep?”

“It would but that is SO not the point!”

She sighs. “Look, can you just deal with him for a couple minutes while I finish talking with my folks?”

Ayo grimace. They know a thing or two about Nigerian parents and would rather risk death than have a conversation with them.

“Fine! You have two minutes.”

“Thanks, my love!” Nessie says as they stomp out of her room. She turns to her parents, unmuting them. “Sorry about that, Ayo had an issue I had to deal with.”

Her father frowns. “Ayo? You mean that Yoruba girl you’re living with, abi?”

Nessie rolls her eyes, hating when her father gets like this. “Nna, I’ve told you a thousand times. Ayo does not identify as a girl, they’re nonbinary.”

He scoffs. “Non-binary does not exist in the Bible. It’s just something you kids made up.”

Helen nods in agreement. “I blame her parents. You can’t just let your kids do whatever they want, you have to make sure you’re by their side every step of the way. That’s how the devil finds all these young girls, when their hearts is corrupted with LGBT nonsense.”

Nessie runs through a list of things she can say to sway her parents’ bigoted and queerphobic thinking but she’s already exhausted that list. Every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, every visit home, it’s the same shit all over again. She tries to educate them but they’re so set in their ways nothing she says ever makes a difference. At some point, she stops trying.
Their conservative mindset is the main reason she never told them she was bi. Best case scenario, they’d pretend she never said it. Worst case scenario, they’d blame Ayo for instilling queerness (or LGBT nonsense as they like to say) in her. It was not worth it.

She sighs, her mood souring. “You know, on a second thought, I’m definitely not gonna be available for that family video call. Tell Testimony and Charity I love them and I’ll talk to them later. And just so you know, Ayo is amazing and there’s nothing wrong with them, just like there’s nothing wrong with me.”

She hangs up before they can say anything more egregious or pick up on her subtext, grabbing a pillow so she can scream into it. Pussy meows in fright, scurrying off into the shadows. Once she’s calmed down, she makes her way out to see Ayo going through a gift basket, the butler dude nowhere in sight.

“That was longer than a couple minutes. What took you so long?” Ayo asks.

Nessie shrugs, sitting beside them. “I was trying to make my queerphobic parents less so.”

They snort, rifling through the basket. “Just do what I do and cut them off completely.”

She scoffs. “Okay, they’re not as bad as your parents.”

“Oh really? Well, let me know how it goes when you eventually come out to them.”

“It might take a while to get used to but they love me and they aren’t gonna throw me out for something I can’t control.”

“That’s what I thought when I told my parents I was queer but flash-forward two years later and we still don’t speak.”

“Ay... I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, it doesn’t even hurt anymore. FYI, your butler dude is in the kitchen making us a cup of tea.”

Nessie frowns. “Wait, we have tea?”

“My thoughts exactly.”

The butler dude walks in at that moment, tray in hand. He sets said tray in front of the friends, a proud smile on his face.

“Your hot cocoas, ma’ams. You were out of tea,” he remarks.

Ayo snorts. “It’s kinda hard to be out of something you never had but we’ll put it on the next grocery list.”

The butler dude nods in understanding. “Well then, I should be on my way but before I leave, Master Chauncey asked that I give you this.”

He holds out an envelope similar to the one he brought last, ‘To Nessie’ inscribed on it in calligraphy.

She accepts it, a medley of emotions swirling through her. “Did you give him my message exactly as I said it?”

The butler dude nods. “I did, he found it quite... interesting.”

“Right. So how does this work? Am I gonna have to mail him a reply or are you just gonna wait till I’m done reading this?”

He shakes his head. “I’ll be back later to deliver your reply.”

Ayo snorts behind them, already devouring the cookies meant for Nessie. “I hope you’re getting paid enough for this, butler dude.”

The butler dude nods. “Quite, Ms. Babalola.”

Ayo snorts again. “It’s Mx. Babalola and please stop calling me ma’am, Mr. Butler Dude.”

“It’s actually Grayson, Mx.”

“Okay, Grayson.”

Nessie sighs, cutting short their rapport. “I guess we’ll see you later then, Grayson.”

He bows. “I’ll be looking forward to it, ma’am.” He leaves.

“What are you gonna do about this nigga?” Ayo asks, genuinely concerned. “It doesn’t look like he’s giving up anytime soon.”

Nessie shrugs, unfazed. “Simple, I’m gonna make him wish he’d never met me.”

“And how exactly are you gonna do that?”

“I’ll start by reading this letter.”

“Well, don’t keep me in suspense, I wanna know what nasty shit he’s sexting you.”

Nessie snorts as she pulls out the letter. “Probably grovelling again. Guys like this are so one-note. Trust me.”


Dear Nessie,

I got your message telling me to go fuck myself and as the gentleman I was raised to be, I decided to take that to heart. The best part is it was easy. All I had to do was think of you, of our first night together, that night in the alley and all the things we’ve done since then. And then I did it. I fucked myself to the thought of you. Probably not what you had in mind but I wouldn’t know, you left a lot of room for interpretation —

She stops reading, fuming as Ayo starts to cackle, obviously enjoying this ridiculousness. She shoots them a glare.

“He’s got you, Ness,” Ayo teases. “He’s got you good.”

Nessie rolls her eyes. “Like hell he has.”

“If you say so, darling. Now why don’t you keep reading? This is almost as good as Queer Love.”

She sighs, obliging.


Would you be a dear and let me know if I’m on the right path? And this is me assuming you’re gonna read AND reply to this and not flush it down a toilet. I sincerely hope you don’t.

So, how’d you like the flowers? I picked them out myself but it would really help if I knew what your favorite was. I’d probably know if I hadn’t fudged things up so bad.
I hope you reply to this, Nessie, even if it’s to tell me to go fuck myself again and you know your wish is my command.

Yours, Chance.

Ayo gauges their friend’s face for a reaction but Nessie’s face is curiously blank. They wonders what she’s thinking, what her next course of action would be.

“So, whatchu gonna do?” they ask. “Are you gonna reply?”

Nessie shrugs. “He’s left me no choice. He’s not gonna give up unless I find a way to make him. He wants me rattled but I’m gonna turn the table on him.”

“Wait, what does that mean?”

“It means I’ve been with enough assholes to know what triggers them.”

“Femmes who are genuinely happy being alone?”

“That and shitting on their sexual prowess.”

“Okay, I guess that could work.”

“It will work, trust me.”

Ayo shrugs. “Okay, babes. Let’s do this then.”

Nessie smiles, tearing off a sheet of paper to compose her reply to Chance’s letter. She doesn’t know exactly what she’s going to write but she knows it’s gonna blow his mind.

Not-so-dear Chance,

I don’t know what gave you the idea that I wanted you to jerk off to the thought of me but I certainly didn’t want that. I mean why would I when I spent an entire night faking orgasms and pretending the most mediocre sex of my life was the exact opposite.

Honestly, if I could have a do-over of that night, you wouldn’t be in it. My shitty vibrator’s given me more orgasms that you did that night and it’s broken half the time.

At this point, I think I’m gonna have to find some other person to hook up with just to reassure myself that sex isn’t always this bad. But compared to you, I think ANYONE would be a step up.

FYI, your gift baskets are lame and you can keep your fucking flowers. The way to my heart is not some trade secret you can hack.

Not Yours,

Nessie.

Ayo can’t stop laughing as they read Nessie’s letter. It’s spiteful, cutting and dripping with rage, so naturally they love it. When they’re done reading, they turn to Nessie, question in their eyes.

“Was it really that bad?” they ask.

Nessie sighs, shaking her head. “I wish. He actually knew what he was doing. Wasn’t the best I ever had but not the worst unfortunately.”

“Okay. You think this is gonna get him to quit?”

She snorts. “Straight guys like to think their dicks are the best thing to ever been invented. Trust me, he’s gonna crack.”

Ayo snickers, handing her the letter. “God I hope not. I wanna see this shit play out in real time, I wanna see drama, suspense and last minute reveals.”

“Dude, this is not a reality show.”

“No shit, Sherlock, reality stars are less uptight.”

“You’d be uptight too if some guy you liked turned out to be an asshole and wouldn’t leave you the fuck alone.”

They snort, unoffended. “Um, no, I wouldn’t. I believe life is a laugh, it’s not meant to be taken seriously.”

Nessie rolls her eyes. “Go fuck yourself, Mx. Babalola.”

“Not that you mention it, Ness, I just might. Cheese?”

Nessie scoffs. “Just ‘cause I hate him don’t mean I’m gonna let good food go to waste. Gimme that.”

Ayo laughs and this time, Nessie joins them, both roomies hysterical as they eat their way through the ‘lame’ gift basket, helping themselves to several glasses of wine. By the time Nessie eventually gets to work, she wishes she had stopped at the third glass.

-----------

He’s bothering her again — Dave Macintosh, her rogue co-worker.

But unlike the other times, this time he’s getting bolder. It started in the middle of her shift, he was friendly, making small talk with her, making her feel almost at ease. It got to a point where she’s starting to feel like she’s misjudged him. If she knew him then how she knew him now, she’d have known he was just a regular guy not a fucking creep as she previously thought.

Unfortunately, he quickly proves her wrong. Where their conversation had started out respectful, it quickly pivots to intrusive.

“God, your boyfriend must be one heck of a lucky dude,” he remarks almost out of the blue, eyeing her from head to toe.

She chuckles awkwardly, feeling naked under his gaze and very uncomfortable with his statement.

She shakes her head, saying politely, “Um, I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Oh. Girlfriend?”

She frowns, wondering how he knew to ask that. “Um, not at the moment.”

“Oh. You’re not a lesbian, are you?”

For someone she barely knows, the question is a tad too personal but she answers just to be polite. “No, I’m bi.”

He smiles, relieved. “Oh, that’s great. You know I once met this girl on Facebook who I thought had a thing for me but just when we were getting somewhere, she up and told me she has a girlfriend and wasn’t really into guys. So now I have to like ask every girl I meet so I don’t have to go through that again. I mean it sucks the first time, you know.”

Nessie nods, racking her brain for an excuse that would free her from this godawful conversation. “I guess but it’s not exactly polite to ask people what their sexuality is like they owe you an answer or something. It’s even worse if you’re a stranger to them.”

“Right. So, you date guys? Like a whole lot?”

She wouldn’t say a whole lot, just more than the girls she’s dated. “Um, I guess you could say that.”

“How about girls? How many have you scissored?” he asks, an excited gleam in his eyes.

At this point, Nessie has to stop fooling herself. Dave is not some regular guy schmoozing with a co-worker. No, he’s a creep with a lesbian fetish who’s fixated on her for some reason and she’s not about to find out what that reason is.

She sighs. “Look, Dave. I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you don’t mean anything with your questions but I would like it if you stop asking me this invasive and sexually charged questions. Okay?”

He scoffs, annoyed. “Relax, porky. It’s not like I’m into you or anything. You should be happy someone like me is taking the time to talk to someone like you. Just so you know you’re not my type, not like you’re anyone’s type.”

If she hasn’t heard rhetoric like that a million times already, she might have been pissed but considering she’s dealt with this kind of shit for most of her life, it barely makes a dent.

“Are you done?” she asks, unfazed.

Dave scoffs, taken back. “What do you mean am I done?”

“I mean are you done trying to belittle me because I won’t play your dumb little games? You know what? It doesn’t matter ‘cause I am.”

She push past him to go find Nina, the store manager. She finds her scrolling listlessly through her phone in her tiny office.

“I need to make a complaint about an harassment,” Nessie states, her voice a bit shaky.

Nina looks up from her phone, her face blank. “Harassment? Who the fuck harassed who?”

“Dave, he fucking harassed me!”

She sighs, dropping her phone to give Nessie her full attention. “What exactly did he do?”

Nessie launches into a detailed explanation of Dave’s creepy behavior which she claims began the minute he was hired almost two weeks ago.

Nina sighs again. “Was it physical?” she asks.

“No, he just made some really gross comments about my sexuality and my fucking weight.”

“Okay. Um, why don’t we find Dave and get his side of the story?”

“His side? Why do you need his side?”

“Because I can’t make a judgement call just by listening to one side.”

“Okay, do I have to be there for that?”

“It will help.”

Nessie sighs. “Fine, I’ll take you to him.”

They find Dave having the same gross conversation with a much younger girl who looks uncomfortable but doesn’t know how to vocalise it. Thankfully, she’s saved by the arrival of Nina and Nessie.

“Dave!” Nina calls, motioning for him to come closer.

He walks towards them, a confused look on his face. “Problem?”

Nina shrugs. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out, Dave. Nessie says you were aggressive towards her and I would like to hear your side of the story before I make any call.”

“Oh. Um, I don’t understand what Nessie meant by me being aggressive because we were just having a civil conversation a moment ago. If anything, Nessie was the aggressor here, making sexual advances that I had to refuse because it wasn’t professional.”

Nina turns to Nessie, suspicion in her eyes. “Is that true?”

Nessie scoffs, flabbergasted. “Of course it’s not true! He’s trying to deflect the blame on me!”

Nina sighs. “Look, Nessie, all I got here is a case of he said she said and I don’t know who’s telling the truth and I would hate to punish the wrong person so I’m gonna have to ask you two to apologize to each other and put this shit behind you.”

Nessie scoffs. “Really? You’re both-siding this?”

“I’m trying to be impartial.”

“It’s not impartial if you’re screwing over the victim.”

“Look, I don’t get paid enough to have to deal with this shit so you can either do what I say or you can go find yourself another fucking job.”

Nessie wishes she could walk right out of there and never come back. It’s not like she can’t but the thought of having to find another job and start all over again sounds very daunting to her. In the end, she decides to bite her tongue — to some extent.

“People like you are the reason the world’s still shit,” she says angrily to an unbothered Nina, blasting Dave with a baleful glare before stomping off to go cry in the toilet.

She needs to leave this place, not just because of Dave and Nina but because she’s outgrown it. It doesn’t pay enough and it takes up much of the time she could have spent finding auditions.

It’s time to find a better job, one where she’s treated with respect, earns enough to keep her fed and pay her rent and has flexible hours. Now where in the world is she gonna find a job like that?

On the other side of the city lies her answer.

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Hmm 🤔, I wonder what that answer could be and I wonder if it has anything to do with that one guy she had sex with that one time. If only there was a way to know 😱...

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Translations

Nwa m nwanyi - My Daughter

Nne - Mother

Nna - Father

Obi' m - My love

FYI, I'm not Igbo but for anyone curious, that's the meaning of some of the Igbo words used in this chapter.