The girls drag me in and I learn to laugh at nothing at all. I don't think about you anymore but the pain catches me off guard in unusual ways. I'm struck. Breathless, sight waning and I can see my heartbeat as black smudges in my eyes. Cold body. The careful audience said "like ice". In my position what could I do but care this much. Love this much that I couldn't say it. I have to // breathe. I remember you said I look good with my hair down. I remember you said [...] on the terrace and everything on the terrace slipped into my heart where I could only feel its presence. I remember I loved so much I couldnt bring myself to say it. I don't anymore. // I remember....// I remember I remember I remember // hello how are you I know it's so much easier for you to blurt things did you wonder if I'd wish you happy birthday today did you wonder if I remembered? // Ive wondered about the kind of things you could remember about me. I remember your voice when you said you had never known me and god that's something that should turn you inside out so why does it crawl back to me occasionally?// Pain has a deadline and an edge beyond which nothing is reasonable. Ive crossed both. I can't use love, if any, as my excuse if I don't know what that is. The meaning you taught me was the cure to your necessities. You got that younger unaware girl but didn't give just enough// I feel fucking stupid for my ways. For feeling anything at all anymore especially today I keep thinking it's your birthday but I feel what I feel. Where do I dispose of this and hold onto a loneliness untouched.
I'm not what you need. I'm not what you needed. You're not what I need but I did need you then//there's always so much to say I can't write enough
I'm so ashamed of myself
23:01
//
Nowadays lovely:
When you see me do you wonder who I am I'm hungry im searching I can laugh and make my friends laugh really well perform and pretend it all feels so light and airy like my skin doesn't touch my blood anymore
23:04
