the letter
You know I really wish i was one of your smiling girls. Fluttery voice and consistent demeanor, telling you all about everything. The inconsequential, the crushing. I really wish I would've let you know me. I can't tell you now anyway. But you'd be pleased to hear about my regret. I don't think I'm a person, if no one really knows me? But I don't know who i am either when there's no one to laugh for. Boyish grin and absurdist gait. I should've wanted you to understand me back then. I didn't. Strange consequence. You don't think about any of this. And why of all the people who would want to do I want it to be you? I could make something new and beautiful. With all these people who've been here forever, but there's enough untied strings. Enough room. I try; I try and it still leaves me so empty. The moon's a yellow tinge in a long time. I'm not searching for you in anyone. I don't ever want someone like that again. The lamps are dull with a silence. You'll be about in your all-black(I must've really rubbed off on you), nothing like any of those new tees you used to proudly show me(does that mean I changed you, at least in this small way? You changed me but why are you still right here?), another smiling girl, another temporary. Do you want to talk. I won't mind your shameless small talk anymore. Just be near, for a moment? Nothing ever really helps. Does everyone love this much? For this long? Have you ever? Do you still? I'd try to tell you about it, but I'd just end up lying like with anyone else. But why would I if I've never told you anything anyway. and you didn't realise. I don't want to live with this shameful thing forever. Most of the days I just want to erase myself /21:47
Faulty
Love despite all faults? Even with your lying, did you really love me anyway? You'd say you just don't anymore. And somehow that's more painful than thinking you never did.
Now I'm too struck and stuck to be near anyone. And they never love you when you're unhappy anyway. So. I don't know where to put all this love now. I don't know what to do with all this. I'll end up throwing it like I did everything else. It's all so-so.
I have to be faraway from myself. That's what others are for. But what do I do now when I don't have it in me to fizzle out in laughter, like we usually do? Where do I go?
I'd like to go to you, you know. I put henna on my palm this evening, it was cold; a cold trail of the pattern. Moroccan. For a minute I didn't feel a thing. Very lovely.
March 4th. I have plans with a friend who's going to be far far away soon. She's lovely. She knows me the most and that I love her, she figured it out one day over text. I'll be lost without her. Another thing that shakes out the contents of my heart 'til it's empty.
I wish there was more to these years than people flickering out of reach. /22:23
I'm suddenly asking myself, would I make it stop I could? Would I erase all love I have for you? I would, i think, but after much hesitation. I think that's the problem with me. I believe endlessly and hopefully. I'm struck with hope, that's stupid. There's this frothing warmth inside my chest. Or is it a breaking? I can never tell and still I childishly wish to see you and find your voice again. Isn't hope the liver of Prometheus, torn apart in relentless routine but stubbornly patching itself, over and over and over? /22:36
Hope is no good. My heartbeat is heavy. I don't know what to do with that either. Every place is crushing. I can't be anywhere without breaking into an embarrassing mess in the corner. No one should see. I hide and hide and hide all day and night. I just want back the girl I used to be. I can't dig her out of my soul. I don't have the capacity. But I miss her endlessly everyday and it's so so fucking suffocating. I don't want to live as something this filthy. I don't want to live like this anymore /22:53
I hate that it's this way but the thought of you maybe loving me still puts me at such ease, I feel a little less lost, for a moment. My body's filled with a cold calm /23:15
