Escape of Sweet Cinnamon

00

"Minahal kita sa gusto kong paraan. Minahal kita nang hindi mo kailangan—"

Nanginginig ang aking kamay habang binabasa muli ang email na nakuha ko mula sa St. Leonidas Admission Office... ngayon ko lang naintindihan ang email nila sa akin nung nakaraan.

"Shit! Bwisit! Tangina naman please wag... no please... let me in!" I almost shouted in whispers sa aking kaba habang tina-type ang username and pass code ng aking portal sa website nila.

The last schedule for their entrance exam was on January 28 and it's already January 30... hindi ko na-take 'yung exam ko? Or was my test permit even issued? I don't know. Hindi ko alam dahil wala naman akong email na natanggap na okay na lahat ng requirements ko.

Nanginginig ang aking kamay habang hinihintay lumabas ang test permit ko sa screen ng laptop and when I saw the date and time of my exam... I whispered shit and many other curses while my eyes is in the verge of throwing tears.

Tears of madness, most probably.

Muli akong sumigaw at nanakbo pabalik sa aking kama at saka nag lulumpasay sa galit.

I started crying out of madness and disappointment and I didn't even realize that me crying over this... me crying about one thing will be me crying over everything that's happening in my life right now.

Everything's a mess.

I keep on ruining everything.

Why's my life like this?

Do I have to suffer so much when in January?

Tuwing January na lang ba talaga lalagapak ang buhay ko at bibigyan ako ng reason to give up?

I kept on crying and I let myself cry and look stumble. I know I look stupid and weak right now but who cares? No body can see or hear me crying right now.

I'm all alone... just like what I have always been.

I sat down on my bed at unti-unting pinakalma ang sarili.

"I can't continue crying, I have an event, practice, and class to attend to." I kept whispering this line to myself until I finally got the courage to stand up pero dahil masyado akong oa sa nararamdaman ko ngayon ay mabilis akong bumalik sa kama para muling umiyak.

It's just 4 in the morning, I attended a practice na kayang kaya kong i-ditch instead na pumunta sa Maynila at i-take ang exam ko sa isa sa aking dream university for college.

I lost St. Leonidas main campus now...

"It's okay, Deanna... your interview for St. Leonidas School of Arts and Business is already set. It's okay," I repeatedly said. Paulit-ulit kong inalala na pasado na ako sa School of Arts nila at ayos lang kahit di ko natake yung main campus pero who am I lying to? Masakit para sa akin 'to.

"Think rationally, please, think rationally," I said nang paulit-ulit at saka nag isip ng mga paraan at mga baka sakali na baka may paraan pa.

Mas madali pa para sakin na tanggapin na bumagsak talaga ako kesa sa iisipin na what if pumasa ako kung na-take ko 'yung exam?

Mas gugustuhin ko pang bumagsak at mag fail kesa hindi mag try.

"Ginusto kong lumipat sa susunod na habang-buhay at do'n na tayo magkita
'Wag mo sanang kalimutan na sa puso ko'y laging nandiyan ka hmm"

Tumayo ako sa kama para patayin yung song sa spotify ng laptop ko dahil kanina pa on repeat yung kanta na 'yon.

Sakto naman at tumawag ang mommy ko... buti na lang ay tapos na akong umiyak kaya hindi na ako umiyak sa kaniya sa nangyari. Well, I wouldn't even cry sa harapan niya kahit na nasasaktan pa rin ako.