The world of my inner | journal

February 23 - 2024

Alright here we go. Life,  so many times I've thought to myself like "what's the point?". What is the actual point of living? I know this sounds so fucking dark and I'm not here to bring you guys down but honestly, what is the point? I don't know how it is where you guys live, but in Sweden, we live to work. Alright. We had put on this planet to work. That's why we are alive. My entire life revolves around my job, I plan everything according to my job, I make sure I have energy enough for work but I don't care if I have any left when my shift is over, I go all in during my shift, I walk a thousand miles extra for my job but I walk in reverse for myself.

Here is the thing, okay, I'm absolutely exhausted and sick of being a lazy workaholic. Bear with me. I live to work, I need to work otherwise I get bored but I love a day on the couch just as much. I'm a lazy workaholic. But here is the thing, I somehow manage to do everything for everyone without doing what I need to do for myself. I somehow manage to balance work and being a hobby therapist for all my friends, to be there and listen to their shit and give them advice but when it comes to myself it's like "whatever, I don't give a shit." And that shit is over now. I can't be there for every single friend of mine all the time. How the fuck am I supposed to have a life if I don't get to choose myself? And I find this very funny actually because I started prioritising myself a month ago or so and a whole new life has opened up to me. Whatever that is not my point right now. I have been there for all my friends, every day, with open arms, an unlocked door and thousands of advises to give. I never said no to hanging out, no matter how exhausted or mentality drained I was, or how much I needed to be alone, I never said no. And I found it very funny that when I started saying no, saying that I had other things planned, that I needed to just be alone. They got offended. All of a sudden all the red hearts were gone. I find this very funny because they can't stand that I'm working on myself which gives me the upper hand. I will be superior. Because all of a sudden, all their bullshit and all their issues won't be affecting me, it won't be my issues. They can sit there with there drama and enjoy that but I'm not gonna be a part of it anymore. I'm not gonna be a part of laziness, I'm gonna work, prioritise myself. I'm not gonna sit there and be like "yeah, he is so stupid and so childish" if the girlfriend is at fault. Yeah I know girl code but that goes within reason. We girls can be emotional assholes as well as guys can be assholes. So I'm not gonna sit there anymore and pretend that the boyfriend is always the issue if she is at fault. I'm done with the drama. I'm done with bullshit. I'm done with laziness. I'm done being called a dumb blonde. I'm done thinking that it is all I will ever be, a dumb blonde. I'm not the brightest person on this planet but I'm not dumb. So I'm done with that shit.

And you should be too. Stop responding and reacting to comments like "you're just a dumb blond". Don't give them the satisfaction because I've given my friends that satisfaction for way too long and it's come to a point where I don't know if they are right and if they actually think of me as a dumb blonde or if it's just a joke. I knew it was a joke at first but I'm not so sure anymore. Here is the thing, I've had my fair share of crap, I've had a serious eating disorder, anxiety, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, depression. I had it all. And it's all people see. It's what my friends see. That I'm a dumb mentally unstable blonde. And that shit is in the past, buried in the ground. That is not me. Because I may not be academic smart, I may not know how to divide and multiply and all and I may not know how to change a tier but, who is the person they call when they need advice? Me.

I'm the person they call whenever they screwed up something, because whatever it is, I've most certainly been through it. They know that I never judge, that I never hold it over their heads, that I keep it to myself. They know that I'm the most trustworthy person in our friend group. But still, they call me a dumb blonde. Quite funny, huh? They all know so many academic and smart stuff and they are good at cars and driving, and all that stuff. But no one, goes to them for advice when something has happened. And they think it's very funny to tell and remind me that I'm a bad driver because I had some incidents but whenever they have driven off the road or whatever it could be, no one thinks is as funny, and I don't hold it over their heads. But as soon as I sit down in the driver's seat it's helmets, double seatbelts and a big ass cross.

I just find it interesting you know, how someone can be there, show up, support, show kindness, forgiveness etc etc etc, and still be the target in the group. For everything. And that makes me like think. And I love my friends. We have so much fun. But it makes me ask the question, what is the point?

And it's a question I've been dabbling with the last days, what is the point with life? Why do I live? What do I live for? And even thought I've been through hell, I've survived a lot. Stuff just keeps on coming. But it has also given me reasons to live.
I live for;
- My family, my parents and my brother, to have game nights and eat dinners together, laugh together.
- My friends, to have Wii nights, drink cheap alcohol and blow up gingerbread houses.
- Tanning in my garden
- Drawing outside in the sun
- Drinking wine with my best friend
- Walks in the woods
- Cooking
- Making my cottage my dream home
- Baking for my friends and family
- Watching series and movies over and over again

I'm living to be a better person. A better woman. I'm living to become better so I can tell my future kids that hard work pays off. So they can look at their mom and see a strong woman with clear and good values and principles but who also is kind, caring, courageous and stands up for what she believes in. I want them to look at me and feel like they are safe. That they can come to me no matter what. Actually, I'm gonna write a whole chapter in my future parenting style. Because I do think that is a very hot and interesting topic actually. Needs to be discussed honestly.

Anyways, I'm thinking a lot about life lately. Especially when it comes to job and career choice. It's been on my mind a lot.